I haz obsessions.

Sometimes I have to stop and take a deep breath and realize all the shit I've been through over the last 4 months.

4 months and 11 days ago, I lost my dad.

Since then, I've been a whirlwind of action and emotion. I moved to California, completely restarted my life, lost many of my friends, was forced to make new ones, and was left relatively alone. Oh, and I also had a full course of stressful college work to boot.

There really hasn't been a single day since August 9th where I haven't been stressed, running around like a chicken with their head cut off. Or an emotional wreck. Or on top of the world. Or...a million things. I've been constantly, constantly, constantly moving.

Welp, last Thursday was my last day of the semester. I drove home right after I got out of my final and proceeded to sleep. And sleep. And sleep.

Guys, I'm tired (and that's not just cuz I've had 2 sleepovers in 3 days...).

I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally tired.

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

This is the first time in 4 months and 13 days that I've actually been able to sit down, breathe, and reflect on everything that has happened.

Mumbo jumbo.

You know, I completely lost my train of thought. I, ya know, wanted to blog seeing as I haven't been able to do it in a few weeks. But now I....hmmmm.

In other news, I've become completely obsessed with Big Bang Theory as of late. Like, to the point where I've watched a season a day. It's a little disturbing. But I love that show.

Also, I've been rewatching all of the Star Wars movies (possibly inspired by the above obsession). I've been living so long without real TV stuff that I've kind of been horking it down since the stress level went down.

Ahhh. :)

Oh, also, it's 5 days until Christmas. This is cool. Except for the simple fact that I live in the desert so it's not really your typical Christmas season. I hate snow, though, so it's cool.

I swear I had more interesting stuff to say....

I guess this was just a short and simple update to tell you guys I am not deleting the blog (although apparently no one cares seeing as I got no response from the last post).

See y'all later.

Chelsea

Living Happily Ever After.

Sometimes you guys take me too literally.

It's recently come to my attention that after my latest string of blog posts, many of you believe I'm exhibiting signs of depression.

Yes. And no.

Yes, because look at all that's happened in my life in just the past 4 months. I've lost my dad, moved 400 miles away from home, seen friendships dissipate, and many times feel awkward and/or alone. When I become sad about this, that is usually the time when I decide to write my blogs. Which leads me to my no.

I'm happy. I promise you, I am. I've been called one of the happiest people out there. I just can't help it. I do, on the whole, love life. Sure, it's not perfect. But that's what makes it great.

So when on that high off of life moment and find myself blogging about my problems, don't take me too seriously. I promise you, I'm fine.

The thing is, when I started this blog, I had every intention of remaining as anonymous as I possibly could. Sure, many of you found me through Facebook or Twitter...but there have been several others who've stumbled upon the blog not knowing me personally. Heck, I've met people on my FB and Twitter whom didn't really know me, and we've become quite close.

As time moved on, it became harder to remain this faceless writer. Remember, also, that this blog was meant entirely for me to let go of all of my pent up writing thoughts. I explored so many different subjects in the early days of this blog. But the more things that happened in my life, the fewer people I had to confide in, the more that this blog because a sort of literal journal versus literary exposé. And so I gave my name. There comes a point in this anonymous world where, in a 1950's hipster frame of mind, you find yourself needing some form of individuality, a break from anonymous. For me that was a name.

To be honest, I've begun to think about deleting this blog. Or at least to stop writing it.

Don't get me wrong, guys: I love this blog. I really do. Many times it has been one of the few things that keeps me going when times are tough. It's just a thought. No telling if I really will get rid of this or not.

Because I'm listening to John Mayer (we all know what this means...) I've been thinking. This time about all the "bad" people in my life. Old friends, general hated people, and even bad people in other people's lives. Throughout a life when you've been known to be bullied, harassed, betrayed, and stalked...there come to be a great number of these bad guys.

But while I was thinking of this...I began to look at the trail that they've each left in my lives. And I realized that they might have been terrible people, who come through and ransacked my life, and ruin whatever they leave...but there comes that point where you realize that you're going to be ok. There's something good that comes out of it.

In the immortal words of Walt Disney "A kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you."

Let's take some examples: When I was in 3rd grade, there were two new girls that came to my school. We became really good friends really quickly. However, one of the friends turned when we reached middle school, getting involved in drugs, fights, etc. She attempted to bring destruction into mine and the other girls life. And because of this, the other girl and I began to form a much stronger bond and I'm glad to call her my best friend still to this day.

Another example is of another good friend of mine. Through a string of events, she had a heart break. Before this, we'd known one another but hadn't been close. But through some act of fate, she reached out to me at that time when she was falling apart. We, too, grew close. We helped each other grow. And now she has a new love and together they're two of my favorite people.

One terrorizer so great has brought me to some of the best friends and mentors I think I will ever have.

There've been more. Many more. To the point that I can't even recall half of their names, but simply all of the good that has come out of it.

This gives me some confidence about life as a whole. I mean, I don't think that there's been someone truly bad that's come into my life and didn't leave me with something so pure, so precious that it's sometimes hard to even be mad at them. We all want to be better off in the end.

I'm beginning to discover that it does happen. When you're in the moment, at your lowest point, terrorized by those around you, feeling like you'll never be able to get back up again...remember that with every bad comes a good.

The light shines out the darkness.

We will all live happily ever after.

-Chelsea

And You Thought I Had Something Interesting to Say.

So right now I'm chillin' under my bed in this neat-o taquito fort I made all by my lonesome.

Roomie is out with friends.

Other friends are out with...other friends.

I've been watching Big, Bang Theory for the better part of the day. When I haven't been doing that, I've been reading some On the Road.

By myselfness.

Yup.

It seems like that's how I've spent the past week or so since I got home. By myself. Generally bored. Granted, I was doing homework like a maniac once I got back, writing papers and catching up on reading. But somehow, miraculously, the only thing I have left for the rest of the semester is studying for finals.

Boring.

I'm so bored. Because I'm a boring person, I guess.

It kind of sucks. Not gonna lie.

I had the time of my life going back home for Thanksgiving (well, for the most part). I was constantly surrounded by people, mostly friends. It was wonderful.

And then I come back to California and I find that I really have no one. I mean, there's a few...but for the most part I'm just kind of chilling all by myself.

Pathetic, right?

I mean, it's not like I chose to be this way. I have friends. We just generally lead different lifestyles so they're always busy when I'm not. Most people would say "Well go make more friends" and I constantly have to remind them that I don't function like that.

I mean, I don't.

Don't think I'm trying to pull this whole "oh, poor Chelsea" act. I'm not. Because honestly I've come to accept the fact that I do and will spend the majority of my time by myself. Most people my age can go out, either to a party or something else, and make instant best friends with 30 people. I can't do that. It takes a while for me to be friends with anyone because I have to find a connection, have to be able to trust them.

I don't not trust a single one of my friends. Once I stop trusting one, they're blocked from my life like that.

Similarly, I don't not have a connection with any of my friends. There's some strand of our personalities that are completely like each other in the not-annoying-but-omg-i-can-always-talk-about-whatever-i-want-with-you-and-be-ok. I can't just me "meh" with people and see them when I see them.

They mean more to me than that.

Guys, I love you. :)

My point: I'm alone a lot of the time out here because I haven't been able to find many of those people that I just instantly jive with and jiving has continued.

Yeah.

I think I had some sort of point to prove with this blog. But I'm pretty sure I lost it. :-/

Welp, my lack of interesting-ness is over with so until next posting, keep cool.

Chelsea

Week in Paragraphs, Finding Home, and the End of a Journey

It's 1:30 AM

I technically have to be up in less than 8 hours.

But here comes one of those nights where I just can't seem to sleep.

-Sigh-

Well, I'm home. As in home home. Not college home. I drove out Tuesday afternoon and made it back just to have a quick chat with one of my best friends who went to NYC that same night. Then I went home and my mom went and got me Coldstone. Exciting, right?

Since then, my time has been consumed with going places and seeing people. On Wednesday, I went to my Alma Mater, followed by the chiropractor where I met the new [really hot] physical therapist. I enjoyed that last part mainly because he tried to give me a massage on the table but my chiropractor HAD to cut in.

I was so mad at her, you have no idea.

Then I went shopping with my mom, including taking a trip to my old work to say hi to a bunch of people. Late that night, my bestest best friend and I went to go see "Breaking Dawn" and basically laughed through the WHOLE THING. You already know my opinion on the Twi-hard frame of mind.

Then came Thanksgiving Thursday where I spent the morning playing with my nephews and the better part of the day slaving over sweet potato cupcakes that were absolutely DELISH. Seriously. I made 30 and I'm pretty sure there's only 5 left right now. So. Good.

Today I got to do free laundry (I seriously brought the last 2 weeks of laundry here just because it's free!) and wrap my Christmas gifts. Cuz I'm awesome and already bought everyone their stuff. Then I went to go see the Muppets with some really great friends. Then we got pie. :)

Tomorrow, I have plans with another group of friends first thing in the morning (hence why I have to be up in less than 8 hours) and then more plans with my bestie. And then I leave Sunday. And I have to go early so that I can actually do homework (but I'll probably wind up going to Disneyland....)

So much for a relaxing weekend, right?!

However, you remember how I told you last time that I just didn't feel like I belong? Well, the problem continues here. See...home home just doesn't feel like "home" anymore. I feel like a literal stranger in my own house. Everything is different and I don't like it. What I've really been thinking whenever I'm at my house this weekend is how much I can't wait to go back to California. Does that sound horrible? I love home...but it just doesn't feel like home right now.

Anyways...

I also want you all to be informed that I have given up in pursuit of guys that were mentioned in previous posts. I'm just...done with having it be such a big part of my life. I mean, being a girl and having your roommate and good friends at school all having the same obsession kind of MAKES it a big part of you. But I'm just done with that right now.

As my friends would say, "I am a strong, independent, beautiful black woman and I don't need no man."

Word.

I figure it's easier this way. Let me focus on school, on writing, and on finding my own place in this world. Besides, things seem to happen easier when I'm not pushing to make it happen. Let it come to me, not force myself upon it.

Good plan, yes?

Chelsea

In the Big, Blue World....

Well, ahem...hi.

I feel like playing music. Listen along, readers... 

(pay attention...this song comes to prove a point)

I've explained before that this blog is a form of therapy for me. Well...last night I was in this strange mood, going crazed for reasons I don't feel like explaining. Long story short, I wound up crying with my mom on the phone for a good hour, followed by having nice, long chats with some very good friends of mine.

One of whom, we were partially introduced through this blog. (Funny, the way the world turns, right?) Anyway, talking to him, I realized that this blog is not only a therapy for me lately...but also one of my closest friends in California.

Sure I have a few friends at school and several others who live in the area...but nothing compared to what I had at home. It's to be expected because I only moved here 14 weeks ago, after all. But anyways... This blog is sort of like my confidante. You guys who read it are, for the most part, anonymous. Sometimes you'll leave a comment letting me know you've read...but when it comes down to it, this blog is basically my personal journal (that just happens to be broadcasted over the interwebz).

[Right now, I'm blabbing on to myself. I have a point to prove, I promise. I just need to find it.]

I'm confused lately.

I like my school, but I don't feel like I fit in. I'm considering transferring...again. Possibly somewhere closer  to home. Possibly somewhere 3000 miles away. I've been partially accepted into a study abroad program that would technically give me admission into a school on the opposite side of the country. Hell, I could transfer out of the country.

But despite all of these options, I don't feel like I belong in any of these places. I didn't fit in at home, and I thought California would be the cure. But it really just doesn't seem to be working out. And when I think of transferring, none of my options feel like they would be the right place either. Throughout my entire childhood, I knew I was made differently from everyone else around me. That feeling sort of went away, but here it is again.

I don't belong anywhere.

The older I get, the closer I get to having to find my path and settle down, the more I have to start thinking about the future...the less I feel "right". I've been told that a lot of people feel this way but I just don't know.

Do you see why I was crying on the phone for an hour last night?

Part of this might be my lack of emotional attachment. And yes, I partially mean relationship wise. My friends and family connect me to home. But when my dad passed, I just feel like I can't go back for longer than a break from school. Emotional attachment severed. Out here...there's just nothing for me. No family, few friends (all of whom have future plans outside of this place), and no relationship. Everywhere else in this world is a void too.

I'm like Nemo in a way. There's so many options out there for me.

Anyways, I keep prattling on and I know that this probably isn't making much sense. To summarize: I don't belong. And I don't know what to do about it.

In the biiiiiig, blue world....where do I belong?

--Chelsea

I'll Take a Double Shot of Confusion. Wait, Make it Venti.

I don't know what to do.

:-/

It seems like I'm always confused. That's why I have this blog. So I can vent about my being confused. And you guys are here to read, right?

Right?

Well. I still haven't written much. I've been so far behind on schoolwork this week that it's not even funny. I'm finally just about caught up but I'll probably be behind by Tuesday.

Can I just say how much I hate college?

Seriously. I'm a writing major. You'd think that as such, I'd be taking classes that require me to do nothing but write, write, write.

WRONG.

All of my classes are reading based. Which sucks ass. Also, looking over future classes here, they're all reading based. 4 courses in writing, one of which I'm already taking...and then 18 of reading. It's ridiculous. Also ridiculous is how impossible it seems to get into these classes at my school because they're all 15 people classes. Frustrating.

Also frustrating is my Academic Advisor who decided to tell me that she doesn't think that I could graduate as a writing major in time, even though I did the math and I should be fine even if I took a semester off. Yeah. Oh, and she told me my intended study abroad was a stupid idea because they don't offer many courses in my major...except none of the study abroad programs do. Yeah. Brilliant.

While I'm venting about things not being right, let me continue by saying that there's this new girl at work that I had to train the other day. Here's how our introductory conversation went.
 Girl: What's your major?
 Me: Creative Writing.
 Girl: Oh. Well you might want to do grad school and become a teacher because Creative Writing really isn't that stable of a career.
 Me: Yeah, it actually kind of is. What's your major?
 Girl: Creative Producing.
 Me: .....................

People are stupid. That's the moral to this story, dear reader. Don't worry about writing an analytical essay about the theming because I can just tell you and save the 6 double spaced pages.

Venti, part deux.

Yes, I realize venti is an the largest size of Starbucks. That's cuz this next is a biggin'.

But do I really have to tell you what this involves?

I mean, really? If you have followed my blog AT ALL in the past 10ish months that it has existed...you'll know exactly what it is.

Yup, you guessed it. Boys.

Blergity schmergity doo.

I think those three words that aren't really words describe everything, don't you? Girls, I bet you'll agree with me. Guys are too freaking confusing.

I'm giving all of my friends all this "advice" on relationships and it all sounds really good (ok, in some cases). But I've never had the sticking experience. As mentioned on earlier episodes...there are options out there for me. But only one truly intrigues me. The others I keep around because there's that feeling in me that really feels like I need something, someone, right now. I mean, I've made it through a year and half of college and still have had nothing, not to mention all the years before then.

Whatever.

You've all heard it before but I just really am confused and in a tough spot and all this other stuff that I don't feel like publishing on the Interwebz.

For know, I guess I'm gonna continue going along feeling confused or whatever the case might be. Maybe I'll try to get ahead on homework.

Nah.

Chelsea

Fall back and Disney magic!

Daylight savings is weird.

I mean, does changing the clocks for half the year REALLY make that much of a difference? Really?

I don't think it does.

I mean think of all the people who wake up too early in the Fall, or too late in the Spring.

Think of all the people who needed 24 hours in a day that only gives them 23.

It's ridiculous!

However, I'm really not going to make an argument or anything mainly because, umm, that was simply the witty intro and now it's time to move on.

So, it's November 6. Theoretically I should be a good portion into that book writing thingy.

Like the time today, I sort of fell back. (Ahaha. Puns.) Basically, I really haven't done much since after my last post here on Monday night/Tuesday morning. A few words here or there.

But I have a good excuse,  I promise!!!!

School.

Ahaha, lame, right? I know. However, as a Creative Writing major I obviously get loaded down with so much non-Creative Writing work that I wind up not having time for writing. Irony? I think so.

Also, Tuesday afternoon, I found out that one of my best friends at school needed to move ASAP. So, being good ol' me, I helped her pack half of her room that night and move it to mine. Wednesday was just busy all on it's own thanks to work, school, work, school, experiments, homework, and honor's society. Lots of stuff all day long. BUT...I'm going to Disney World. :3 So excited.

You remember friend who needed to move? Well on Thursday, the plans became set. We'd be moving in together (cuz she really needed a new place and a roommate) to another room. So my Friday basically consisted of me going to class, then doing some Christmas shopping and then packing up basically everything I own.

And Saturday, I moved it all. And all of her stuff. And it took a really long time. And I'm really sore today. But after that, I went to Disneyland where they were doing filming for the Christmas Parade and New Years Rockin Eve. I missed Christmas (that sounds so weird), however OneRepublic was performing for New Years. So me and my friends went and watched a 3 song concert and it was awesome. And I called my BFF from home and she got to listen in cuz I think she really likes OR a bit more than I do. :) And then a CM on Main Street gave me a free brownie cuz I couldn't afford it. And we watched Fantasmic,

Life the last few days has been pretty awesome. Sure makes up for last week.

I think the point that that whole spiel was trying to prove was that I really have had too much going on to do NaNoWriMo. But I'll still work on it. In fact, they have a lovely website where you can check my progress and I'll link you to it: http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/participants/disneydreamin

Don't expect it to change from it's pitiful state for the next few days whilst I move in and get ahead on homework. But I promise I will work!!!!!!!!!

I have so much else I could say but I think I'll leave it with this.

It's raining!

--Chelsea