Gotta Be True to Your Heart

Right now it's 11:03 PM.

Friday, July 1st.

I'm listening to some Rihanna.

Gourging myself with my water bottle.

And really wishing I were wearing my glasses.

Ah, that's better.

Dear reader, in the Great-Place-of-Wherever-I-Live they have legalized fireworks. This is great for events like New Years and 4th of July. However, they're also legal for the 2 weeks surrounding the holidays.

Dear reader, I have many, many drunk neighbors.

This is not good.

So in lieu of sleeping, or playing Tetris, I have decided to write a blog post.

Isn't it wonderful?!

Of course, it would make it even better if I knew what I was even going to talk about....

Well, let me start off with a story. Not a creative writing story, but rather a true life story of what has happened.

Long ago, when I was in elementary school, I was the obnoxious, smart, fat girl. And awkward, too. As a child, I had a hard time coping with a lot of things, like making friends and feeling like I belong in this world. I was an outsider. In a way, I still am... But that is not our story. Rather, it begins, like many stories do... With a boy.

Before second grade, boys weren't really a big part of my life (see above). But when a new boy came...things started changing. His name was Tyler and he was just a cutie. All the girls in my grade and third grade loved him. While we weren't the best friends, we did get along well. Many of my early memories include him and an everchanging cast of characters. My first ever crush. I admired him from afar. I mean, what else are you supposed to do when they have cooties?

Anyway, long story short, the awkwardness within me never left before he did. Grades split when I was in fourth grade and our classes at that small class never coincided. The crush faded. He went off to sixth grade, then junior high.

I forgot all about him.

Until Senior year. I skipped a year somewhere in all that time, so we were now in the same class. Senior year, Humanities... First day, the teacher called out his name and my head snapped up. Across the room was a totally different boy. Still the same one that had been my first crush...but the years had changed him.

They changed all of us.

We never spoke, never related to the fact we survived the shady elementary school to lead normal lives (many others did not).

We were strangers.

And so the time passed. We both graduated and went off to college. New dreams ahead. Like so many others.

Early Wednesday morning, police recieved a phone call from Tyler. He and a friend had been shot. They both died.

Needless to say, the news shook many of us up. Thinking about this boy we'd all known as no more...it's impossible to fathom. For young people, it is very hard to even contemplate the ending of life. Listening to news reports were even harder, hearing his family talk about all of his dreams and ambitions for the future.

He and his friend never had a chance to see them through.

And this is where my point is, dear reader.

I have been blessed with life. With ambitions. With a brain. And the will to put it all to use.

But I've been neglecting it.

With so many people my age either without a will, too drugged, or being shot...why am I not putting everything in my life to full use?

I'm capable of so much. We all are. Yes, even you.

So, here's my challenge to you. I'll even participate.

Go out. Enjoy life. Work hard. Do what you love. Don't settle for being a chemist if your real dream is to sing. Don't let anyone in your life, even your parents, tell you that you can't.

You can.

If you have a dream in your heart, if you could be eternally happy doing, even if it doesn't pay the best...do it. I think having an accomplished, happy life is worth the years of Ramen noodles.

You have a shot at doing whatever your heart wants. Now follow through.

You have your life: Take advantage of that until you no longer have it. You might not be rich, famous, or whatever it is...but you will be admired.

Me? I'm going to start putting everything I have into my writing. I plan to be constantly surrounded by new things, learning and putting it into action. My goals are now surrounding stories that will help young people realize their potential...no matter how small. We are all destined for greatness.

If you can't do it for yourself, selfless person you are, then do it for Tyler. He had dreams of his own.

Now follow yours, no matter where they take you.

Reincarnation.

I've been debating something over the past few days.

Let me start out by saying that my religious views vary. I find some sort of truth in nearly every faith...yet I find myself without one true religion (much to my family's dismay). I believe in a form of Higher Being, but I will leave it at that.

Because I don't know what really happens after death (none of us really do) I chose to lay my faith in the Buddhist belief in reincarnation...that when we die, we are reborn into a new form. While I don't agree with the grasshopper, fish, gorilla, or human idea of it...I do think that part of us comes from others.

Remember how in my first posting, I explained that I tend to have a different obsession every few months? Well, there is one particular point in history that I feel is an intimate part of me. More than just a simple interest...but rather like somewhere, in the deep crevices of my mind, I know that I've been there.

The Holocaust.

There's always been something so eerily familiar about that whole portion of WWII that has always struck a chord with me. I devoured books about this subject for years when I was younger. Even now I find myself being sucked into these tales. One particular reason that I believe what I do is because of a simple quote.

For years, I thought I had read it on the back of a book cover. It's a macabre scene of Nazi soldiers laughing at a group of children...their parents now departed. For years, I searched for this book. I went to every bookstore, and scoured the shelves of anything having to do for WWII. I went to the library and checked out nearly every book. But I could not find it. It's been more than 10 years and still nothing.

The scene is so vivid...so ingrained in my memory that I feel positive that it had to have happened.

And what if I didn't imagine it it? That's the question that's been nagging at me all this time. What if that was my memory?

I understand that I sound crazy. For all I know, I am.

But I have other points to ponder about. They always say that we are affected by those in our lives and that they make up a big part of who we are.

With that being said, I must also explain that my last remaining grandmother passed away two days ago. Before the condolences begin...I have to say that I am devoid of emotion on the subject. For the past 5 or 6 years, she has suffered from strokes, dementia, various forms of cancer, infections, disease, malnutrition, and terrible hospice care. She has had many close encounters with death. I learned to let go about 3 years ago when I stopped visiting her. Now she's finally out of pain.

My family is saying that I'm not upset because I didn't know her that well. But that's not really true. I did know her, even if it wasn't as well as the rest of my family. I think that she's truly affected my life, whether or not I realize it or not. She's now with the aunt I never met (due to her untimely death at age 13) and her own mother. Women who affected her life.

They are a part of me. Everything, whether or not we realize it or not, is a part of me. Perhaps I'm the reincarnation of Anne Frank (not that I try to sound egotistical). Perhaps the revival of my long departed aunt who had such a bright future ahead of her. Maybe a million different people are inside of me, effecting every movement I make. I am them and they are me.

I feel like I'm supposed to make a difference in this world. That something great it going to happen. I'm sure that many people feel that way, but I earnestly believe it. Some way or other, I'm meant to have the bright future of the people who were not able to live theirs out--like Anne and my aunt.

Perhaps that is what true reincarnation is: Not letting those who have passed down.

--Wendy