Tired

I really don't know what more to say.

I'm tired of trying. Really tired. I just want to give up.

I'm tired of always trying to please the people around me that way they think the best of me. I'm tired of never feeling good enough. Like, ever. I'm tired of people yelling at me because they don't get their way while I'm standing by miserably living each and every moment of my life.

I'm so tired of it all.

Like, fuck man.

I'm tired of having this stupid disease of the mind. I'm tired of having it affect me so much. I'm tired of it whispering evil thoughts into my mind just when it was finally starting to be at peace, like right now. I'm tired of never being good enough and never being wanted. I'm tired of letting other people get to me. 

I'm tired of having no control of it.

I'm tired of being on stupid medication for my stupid fucked up mind. I'm tired of the meds making me worse, making me think more evil thoughts, making me feel the highs super high and the lows super low, making me rather wish I was dead than living this stupid excuse for a life.

I'm tired of thinking I would rather be dead than have to suffer through another day. I'm tired of having as much control over my thoughts and actions as I do over the weather. I'm tired of people not understanding this. I'm tired of having to go to the Internet for my problems because I feel like no one cares about me and my stupid problems.

I'm tired of feeling like my problems are stupid simply because they are different from others. I'm tired of feeling stupid because I am depressed even thought I am a middle age white girl who lives in one of the most beautiful places in the country and works at the Happiest Place on Earth. I'm tired of having people compare my problems to other problems, to their own problems. And I'm tired of having them dumb mine down simply because it is a disease of the mind and not of the body.

At what point does being tired go away?

Does it go away when I finally take enough sleeping pills and pain killers to make everything go away? Does it go away when I fake being happy so that the people around me are happy? Does it go away when I finally give up and give in and let it consume me? Does it go away tomorrow? Does it come back the next day?

Does it ever go away?

I wish I knew. I wish that this feeling would go away just as much as I wish every day was cloudy and rainy and beautiful. I wish this feeling would go away just as much as I wish that I would be in love again. I wish this feeling would go away just as much as I wish that I could bring my dad back from the dead so at least one person would be there to comfort me in just the right way.

I wish all my feelings would completely go away forever.

The feelings of sadness and rage and being tired, yes. But also the feelings of happiness, joy and love. Because if those went away than maybe the negative feelings, or a lack of feelings all together, wouldn't hurt so bad. I wish I didn't feel so many feelings.

All I want is for this all to just end.