Saturday, March 14, 2015


I'm really tired of being seen as a negative person. I think it might be an issue of having perpetual RBF (or as I call it, Resting Asian Face, RAF), but everyone seems to think that I'm negative, or scary, and doesn't want to talk to me.

Now, I'm used to this. It's been a part of me my whole life, and probably the biggest reason I have problems making friends and influencing people. Now, completely honestly, it's mostly my shy personality. As a young child, I didn't socialize much. I think I had a total of 4 friends from Kindergarten till 8th grade, and never that many at the same time. It was hard for me. I spent all that time at recess reading books and writing Harry Potter fan fiction. And then when I went home, I would be alone, both of my parents working the overnight shift, and I would fend for myself with the internet or the endless VHS's and DVD's at my disposal.

In high school, this changed a little bit thanks to being really active in theatre. People mistook my big personality whilst acting for me, and were more open to approaching me. They didn't understand that the real Chelsea was quite shy and internal. And once I quit theatre, I've had this constant problem.

I'm stuck in my own head.

And it takes me a long time to get to know people well enough for me to open up to them and to trust them enough to show my larger personality, my happier side. The side that I am down to the core.

Because of my RAF, no one thinks I'm happy and nice. I get mistaken for rude or harsh all the time. And my sarcastic nature doesn't help this.

And that's just been the way it was my whole life. And I've learned to accept that about myself.

Until this past week.

While training for my new position at work, I really couldn't have been training with someone more different than me. My training partner is one of the most open and nice and friendly people in the world. She's literally the face of Disney, always smiling, always talking to everyone and anyone, and absolutely everyone knows her and loves her. She's awesome.

But it was hard, having worked with some of these people before myself. They would run up to her, smiling and hugging and happy, and look at me confused as to who I was...despite the fact that we had talked and worked several shifts together over the past couple of months. We got quite opposite reactions, and, for some reason, it was really hard to handle.

It's not that I was jealous of her or anything, she's super friendly and deserves all of the attention. But, fuck man, it sure would be nice for people to recognize me, to look past my blank exterior and realize who I am.

I've been in my old department for 3 years, and in that time have made so many amazing friends. So many, that I never really had a problem making new friends because I was already in the great mindset. People got past my RAF, and got to know the real Chelsea.

And I guess the biggest reason why I'm struggling with this change is that I've haven't had to worry about having or making friends in 3 years. Since I started to get know people at work, I was set. It was so easy. And now, I know so few people. And I'm afraid of making friends with them. And I'm afraid that the friends I already had are going to forget about me too.

And then what will I do?

Am I meant to be all alone again?

And how do I change my exterior so that people are more willing to approach me? How do I get people to see the nice person I already am? It just doesn't make sense to me.

I'm told that I have a beautiful smile. And I always say that my smile has to be earned.

But is my smile beautiful because I don't use it all the time so it's rarity makes it that much better? Or do people just genuinely enjoy my smile?

I just don't understand and I wish that I did.

It's frustrating and I'm tired of this following me around my whole life. I've never had good luck with friends, and worse luck with men, and everyone tells me I look sour. But I enjoy my life so much, and I'm really quite a happy and nice person. But everyone assumes or jokes that I'm just a bitch.

And after a while, I begin to believe them.

Maybe I am a sour bitch. Maybe I'm just mean and not funny or anything. Maybe this is why nobody likes me, and why it takes me such a long time and tremendous effort to make friends.

Maybe I'm just not who I thought I was all these years.

How do I change?

How do I become the person who I believe myself to be? How do I show that to the world?

How do I find the confidence to know I will never be alone the rest of my life because someone will always be there with me because they know and love who I am?

How do I portray myself in a way that people will never forget who I am so easily?

I want that.

I need that.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

An Open Letter For You

Dear You,

Here are some things that I want you to know about me.

My name is Chelsea. I am recently 22 years old. Over my lifetime, I have fallen for you a total of seven times.

The first time was in elementary school, and you were the boy who accidentally dyed his hair pink. Every girl had a crush on you.

The next time was at my new junior high. Again, every girl had a crush on you, and I, an obese 12 year old with no sense of style, tried everything to get you to notice me.

A few years later, after having lost 60 pounds and gained a sense of confidence, I fell for you again. We were great friends, and I thought it was going well, until the day you said you wanted to ask my best friend to formal. I was crushed.

It was years before I fell for you again, this time in high school through a computer screen as we were separated by many miles. After having been so hurt in the past, I was desperate for attention. Desperate enough that I let you treat me like shit time and time again, and, worse than that, let you steal my heart for years.

I was a junior in college the next time I fell for you. And yet again, I let my eager heart run away from my senses. I let you steal so much of me, and then you left me like it meant nothing, and like I was nothing. I hardened my heart, making it harder and harder to let people in.

Then you came around again, and for once, it seemed like everything was wonderful. My heart felt light, and you promised to undo all the damage that had been caused in the past. And for the longest time, I believed you, believing that after all this struggle, all this hardship, I had finally met my golden light at the end of the tunnel. But things turned sour, as they always do, and it wasn't long before you were gone, ripping out my heart and turning that space into a black hole.

I vowed never to fall for you again.

I don't remember most of the time between our 6th and 7th encounter. It was a dark time, and most of it had been covered by shadows and demons. It took quite some time, but eventually, somehow, I emerged from the other side, with some duct tape covering the hole.

And then you number seven came along, and it all started so easily. I didn't even have to try with you, you were kind and nice, and I even admitted that I hadn't felt so good in such a long time. I was careful with you this time, trying to not get too attached, trying to seem flippant, wanting to make you be the one to come to me. But somehow that managed to get the better of me. I fell for you, hard, and as soon as I admitted that to myself, you disappeared, despite all we had shared.

I guess that's what I deserve for falling for you again.

See, the thing is, I don't fall very often, but when I do, I fall hard. It's an endless hole, and I'm free falling, holding your hand, until--


--I crash at the bottom, broken and useless, and you're up at the top of the hole, looking down, and then walking away.

I wish there was a way to control it. It's not like I like falling with all that I have. The simple fact is that I tend to be an all or nothing person.

Either I eat all the food I can, or I won't eat for days.

Either I sleep 2 hours, or I sleep 15 hours.

Either I don't watch any of a show, or I binge watch 10 seasons all at once.

Either I'm super excited and pumped, or I'm feeling down.

Either I'm really outgoing and am out every day, or I spend a week binge watching Netflix alone.

Either I fall for no one, or I fall for you with all that I am.

There's no other way to describe it. When I am dating someone, I can't be casual about it. Either we're not anything, or we're everything. When I fall for you, I can't do it halfway, I can't do it slowly.

The thing is, I know exactly who I am, and I know exactly what I want.

And for some reason, I want you.

And I know that I don't need you. I'm an adult and have survived on my own for years on end, and am more than capable of taking care of myself. But, by god, if I don't WANT you. More than anything.

I know that I want it all. I know that I want to feel loved, want to feel protected, want to feel needed, want to feel included, want to feel special. And more than anything, I want to feel like you feel the way about me as I do about you.

I wish there was a better way to say it.

I want you to want me.

I wish I didn't have to keep repeating myself.

I fell for you. And I fell for you hard.

And someday, I hope you fall for me too.