Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Dear Other Women, Don't Derp This Up!

So I just wrote a post on Tumblr and was kind of proud of it. So I've decided to use it as this blog. This is your intro, now go!

The most recent TT on Twitter is #GirlsShould.

I was browsing around the tweets and and amongst all the ones about how girls should “talk less and give more head”, I noticed this little beauty.
I mean…really?!
Look at who tweeted that! A girl, probably no older than 20. If you can’t cook, you’re useless.
Well, as a nerd, who is also a girl, I tend to disagree.
You see, women were blessed with this beautiful thing called (wait for it) A BRAIN. We’re perfectly capable of using it. However, it seems that many girls, like @colorrMEbaddd seem to choose not to use it. I mean, really. She spelt “color” and “bad”, two of the most basic words in the English dictionary, completely wrong. And the emphasis on “me”? I’m pretty sure lower case letters would’ve worked just find.
But that’s not my point.
Yes, I understand that for hundreds of thousands of years, the typical stereotype of women was that they should stay at home and do the cooking. But you know what? That’s as dead as the rest of the culture from the 50’s!
Women are constantly fighting this so called “duty” of womanhood where all they should be able to to do is cook, clean, and push 10 pound lumps of flesh out of their bodies. The truth is, today’s women are capable of everything—we’ve gone to the moon, we’ve run public offices, we’re some of the best lawyers, we save lives as doctors and surgeons, we write fantastic novels (using our own names), and do whatever we want.
WHY in any world should we, with having all this knowledge, all of this drive and success, be absolutely USELESS if we don’t know how to cook?
I’m a woman. I can’t cook without setting my kitchen on fire. Does that make me less of a woman?! No. No it doesn’t.
I’m not afraid to use my brain. Not afraid to break these ridiculous social stereotypes that the world has set up for us as traps to fall into like generations before us. Women have always been strong, no matter what history tells us. But our generation is amongst the first to be able to celebrate and show off this strength.
Don’t fuck it all up for us, girls. Even if you can’t spell “color” correctly. 

-Love, Chelsea

Friday, December 23, 2011

Where Are You Christmas?

I really couldn't start off this blog without the song from the title. So here ya go.

This is the kind of mood I'm in.

Christmas is basically a day away.

Our tree went up 2 days ago. I wrapped presents yesterday. There are no ornaments on my tree yet.

The house is completely devoid of Christmas spirit. Honestly, it feels like the holiday should be over a month away.

Where are you Christmas? And why can't I find you?

I'm feeling really down lately. Normally, this time of year I'm constantly happy, feeling the spirit of the season, loving everything. This year I've been nothing but moody, cold, and uncaring.

Nothing has meaning this time around.

Part of me thinks it's because I just came back from school. Everything has changed while I was away--my brother moved in, his girlfriend too, my room isn't really mine anymore, everything's a mess, I never see my mom, and gah. I just might not be used to the changes. Whatever. The other part of me thinks it's because of my dad and that nothing is right now.

I don't even know anymore.

All I know is that something's not right. It isn't Christmas. Not really.


This mood has made me rather cold and rude towards a lot of my friends lately. I mean, I've been going to party after party, but I've been neglecting many of them. Treating them like I don't want them in my life or that I DGAF about anything. It's not true. If you're one of them...I'm really sorry. I don't mean to. 

What's stranger is that in less than 3 weeks I'll be going to Florida to go to Walt Disney World. It doesn't even seem like that is anything special either. I mean, y'all know what a big Disney fan I am. So the fact that I couldn't care less. What's worse...I don't even miss Disneyland despite usually going three times a week or more.

There is no meaning anymore, it seems.

It's a strange feeling...yet I can't describe it any other way. I wish I could. I'm just rambling at this point because I simply can't decide where would be the best place to stop blabbing.

I guess right now.

I don't know, Dear Reader. I just don't know.

There's a hole in my chest, with nothing to fill it.


P.S. I'm sorry for the depression in your daily happy, cheery, sunshiny, holiday filled minds. Happy Christmas or Chanukah! 

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I haz obsessions.

Sometimes I have to stop and take a deep breath and realize all the shit I've been through over the last 4 months.

4 months and 11 days ago, I lost my dad.

Since then, I've been a whirlwind of action and emotion. I moved to California, completely restarted my life, lost many of my friends, was forced to make new ones, and was left relatively alone. Oh, and I also had a full course of stressful college work to boot.

There really hasn't been a single day since August 9th where I haven't been stressed, running around like a chicken with their head cut off. Or an emotional wreck. Or on top of the world. Or...a million things. I've been constantly, constantly, constantly moving.

Welp, last Thursday was my last day of the semester. I drove home right after I got out of my final and proceeded to sleep. And sleep. And sleep.

Guys, I'm tired (and that's not just cuz I've had 2 sleepovers in 3 days...).

I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally tired.

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

This is the first time in 4 months and 13 days that I've actually been able to sit down, breathe, and reflect on everything that has happened.

Mumbo jumbo.

You know, I completely lost my train of thought. I, ya know, wanted to blog seeing as I haven't been able to do it in a few weeks. But now I....hmmmm.

In other news, I've become completely obsessed with Big Bang Theory as of late. Like, to the point where I've watched a season a day. It's a little disturbing. But I love that show.

Also, I've been rewatching all of the Star Wars movies (possibly inspired by the above obsession). I've been living so long without real TV stuff that I've kind of been horking it down since the stress level went down.

Ahhh. :)

Oh, also, it's 5 days until Christmas. This is cool. Except for the simple fact that I live in the desert so it's not really your typical Christmas season. I hate snow, though, so it's cool.

I swear I had more interesting stuff to say....

I guess this was just a short and simple update to tell you guys I am not deleting the blog (although apparently no one cares seeing as I got no response from the last post).

See y'all later.


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Living Happily Ever After.

Sometimes you guys take me too literally.

It's recently come to my attention that after my latest string of blog posts, many of you believe I'm exhibiting signs of depression.

Yes. And no.

Yes, because look at all that's happened in my life in just the past 4 months. I've lost my dad, moved 400 miles away from home, seen friendships dissipate, and many times feel awkward and/or alone. When I become sad about this, that is usually the time when I decide to write my blogs. Which leads me to my no.

I'm happy. I promise you, I am. I've been called one of the happiest people out there. I just can't help it. I do, on the whole, love life. Sure, it's not perfect. But that's what makes it great.

So when on that high off of life moment and find myself blogging about my problems, don't take me too seriously. I promise you, I'm fine.

The thing is, when I started this blog, I had every intention of remaining as anonymous as I possibly could. Sure, many of you found me through Facebook or Twitter...but there have been several others who've stumbled upon the blog not knowing me personally. Heck, I've met people on my FB and Twitter whom didn't really know me, and we've become quite close.

As time moved on, it became harder to remain this faceless writer. Remember, also, that this blog was meant entirely for me to let go of all of my pent up writing thoughts. I explored so many different subjects in the early days of this blog. But the more things that happened in my life, the fewer people I had to confide in, the more that this blog because a sort of literal journal versus literary exposé. And so I gave my name. There comes a point in this anonymous world where, in a 1950's hipster frame of mind, you find yourself needing some form of individuality, a break from anonymous. For me that was a name.

To be honest, I've begun to think about deleting this blog. Or at least to stop writing it.

Don't get me wrong, guys: I love this blog. I really do. Many times it has been one of the few things that keeps me going when times are tough. It's just a thought. No telling if I really will get rid of this or not.

Because I'm listening to John Mayer (we all know what this means...) I've been thinking. This time about all the "bad" people in my life. Old friends, general hated people, and even bad people in other people's lives. Throughout a life when you've been known to be bullied, harassed, betrayed, and stalked...there come to be a great number of these bad guys.

But while I was thinking of this...I began to look at the trail that they've each left in my lives. And I realized that they might have been terrible people, who come through and ransacked my life, and ruin whatever they leave...but there comes that point where you realize that you're going to be ok. There's something good that comes out of it.

In the immortal words of Walt Disney "A kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you."

Let's take some examples: When I was in 3rd grade, there were two new girls that came to my school. We became really good friends really quickly. However, one of the friends turned when we reached middle school, getting involved in drugs, fights, etc. She attempted to bring destruction into mine and the other girls life. And because of this, the other girl and I began to form a much stronger bond and I'm glad to call her my best friend still to this day.

Another example is of another good friend of mine. Through a string of events, she had a heart break. Before this, we'd known one another but hadn't been close. But through some act of fate, she reached out to me at that time when she was falling apart. We, too, grew close. We helped each other grow. And now she has a new love and together they're two of my favorite people.

One terrorizer so great has brought me to some of the best friends and mentors I think I will ever have.

There've been more. Many more. To the point that I can't even recall half of their names, but simply all of the good that has come out of it.

This gives me some confidence about life as a whole. I mean, I don't think that there's been someone truly bad that's come into my life and didn't leave me with something so pure, so precious that it's sometimes hard to even be mad at them. We all want to be better off in the end.

I'm beginning to discover that it does happen. When you're in the moment, at your lowest point, terrorized by those around you, feeling like you'll never be able to get back up again...remember that with every bad comes a good.

The light shines out the darkness.

We will all live happily ever after.


Saturday, December 3, 2011

And You Thought I Had Something Interesting to Say.

So right now I'm chillin' under my bed in this neat-o taquito fort I made all by my lonesome.

Roomie is out with friends.

Other friends are out with...other friends.

I've been watching Big, Bang Theory for the better part of the day. When I haven't been doing that, I've been reading some On the Road.

By myselfness.


It seems like that's how I've spent the past week or so since I got home. By myself. Generally bored. Granted, I was doing homework like a maniac once I got back, writing papers and catching up on reading. But somehow, miraculously, the only thing I have left for the rest of the semester is studying for finals.


I'm so bored. Because I'm a boring person, I guess.

It kind of sucks. Not gonna lie.

I had the time of my life going back home for Thanksgiving (well, for the most part). I was constantly surrounded by people, mostly friends. It was wonderful.

And then I come back to California and I find that I really have no one. I mean, there's a few...but for the most part I'm just kind of chilling all by myself.

Pathetic, right?

I mean, it's not like I chose to be this way. I have friends. We just generally lead different lifestyles so they're always busy when I'm not. Most people would say "Well go make more friends" and I constantly have to remind them that I don't function like that.

I mean, I don't.

Don't think I'm trying to pull this whole "oh, poor Chelsea" act. I'm not. Because honestly I've come to accept the fact that I do and will spend the majority of my time by myself. Most people my age can go out, either to a party or something else, and make instant best friends with 30 people. I can't do that. It takes a while for me to be friends with anyone because I have to find a connection, have to be able to trust them.

I don't not trust a single one of my friends. Once I stop trusting one, they're blocked from my life like that.

Similarly, I don't not have a connection with any of my friends. There's some strand of our personalities that are completely like each other in the not-annoying-but-omg-i-can-always-talk-about-whatever-i-want-with-you-and-be-ok. I can't just me "meh" with people and see them when I see them.

They mean more to me than that.

Guys, I love you. :)

My point: I'm alone a lot of the time out here because I haven't been able to find many of those people that I just instantly jive with and jiving has continued.


I think I had some sort of point to prove with this blog. But I'm pretty sure I lost it. :-/

Welp, my lack of interesting-ness is over with so until next posting, keep cool.


Saturday, November 26, 2011

Week in Paragraphs, Finding Home, and the End of a Journey

It's 1:30 AM

I technically have to be up in less than 8 hours.

But here comes one of those nights where I just can't seem to sleep.


Well, I'm home. As in home home. Not college home. I drove out Tuesday afternoon and made it back just to have a quick chat with one of my best friends who went to NYC that same night. Then I went home and my mom went and got me Coldstone. Exciting, right?

Since then, my time has been consumed with going places and seeing people. On Wednesday, I went to my Alma Mater, followed by the chiropractor where I met the new [really hot] physical therapist. I enjoyed that last part mainly because he tried to give me a massage on the table but my chiropractor HAD to cut in.

I was so mad at her, you have no idea.

Then I went shopping with my mom, including taking a trip to my old work to say hi to a bunch of people. Late that night, my bestest best friend and I went to go see "Breaking Dawn" and basically laughed through the WHOLE THING. You already know my opinion on the Twi-hard frame of mind.

Then came Thanksgiving Thursday where I spent the morning playing with my nephews and the better part of the day slaving over sweet potato cupcakes that were absolutely DELISH. Seriously. I made 30 and I'm pretty sure there's only 5 left right now. So. Good.

Today I got to do free laundry (I seriously brought the last 2 weeks of laundry here just because it's free!) and wrap my Christmas gifts. Cuz I'm awesome and already bought everyone their stuff. Then I went to go see the Muppets with some really great friends. Then we got pie. :)

Tomorrow, I have plans with another group of friends first thing in the morning (hence why I have to be up in less than 8 hours) and then more plans with my bestie. And then I leave Sunday. And I have to go early so that I can actually do homework (but I'll probably wind up going to Disneyland....)

So much for a relaxing weekend, right?!

However, you remember how I told you last time that I just didn't feel like I belong? Well, the problem continues here. See...home home just doesn't feel like "home" anymore. I feel like a literal stranger in my own house. Everything is different and I don't like it. What I've really been thinking whenever I'm at my house this weekend is how much I can't wait to go back to California. Does that sound horrible? I love home...but it just doesn't feel like home right now.


I also want you all to be informed that I have given up in pursuit of guys that were mentioned in previous posts. I'm just...done with having it be such a big part of my life. I mean, being a girl and having your roommate and good friends at school all having the same obsession kind of MAKES it a big part of you. But I'm just done with that right now.

As my friends would say, "I am a strong, independent, beautiful black woman and I don't need no man."


I figure it's easier this way. Let me focus on school, on writing, and on finding my own place in this world. Besides, things seem to happen easier when I'm not pushing to make it happen. Let it come to me, not force myself upon it.

Good plan, yes?


Saturday, November 19, 2011

In the Big, Blue World....

Well, ahem...hi.

I feel like playing music. Listen along, readers... 

(pay attention...this song comes to prove a point)

I've explained before that this blog is a form of therapy for me. Well...last night I was in this strange mood, going crazed for reasons I don't feel like explaining. Long story short, I wound up crying with my mom on the phone for a good hour, followed by having nice, long chats with some very good friends of mine.

One of whom, we were partially introduced through this blog. (Funny, the way the world turns, right?) Anyway, talking to him, I realized that this blog is not only a therapy for me lately...but also one of my closest friends in California.

Sure I have a few friends at school and several others who live in the area...but nothing compared to what I had at home. It's to be expected because I only moved here 14 weeks ago, after all. But anyways... This blog is sort of like my confidante. You guys who read it are, for the most part, anonymous. Sometimes you'll leave a comment letting me know you've read...but when it comes down to it, this blog is basically my personal journal (that just happens to be broadcasted over the interwebz).

[Right now, I'm blabbing on to myself. I have a point to prove, I promise. I just need to find it.]

I'm confused lately.

I like my school, but I don't feel like I fit in. I'm considering transferring...again. Possibly somewhere closer  to home. Possibly somewhere 3000 miles away. I've been partially accepted into a study abroad program that would technically give me admission into a school on the opposite side of the country. Hell, I could transfer out of the country.

But despite all of these options, I don't feel like I belong in any of these places. I didn't fit in at home, and I thought California would be the cure. But it really just doesn't seem to be working out. And when I think of transferring, none of my options feel like they would be the right place either. Throughout my entire childhood, I knew I was made differently from everyone else around me. That feeling sort of went away, but here it is again.

I don't belong anywhere.

The older I get, the closer I get to having to find my path and settle down, the more I have to start thinking about the future...the less I feel "right". I've been told that a lot of people feel this way but I just don't know.

Do you see why I was crying on the phone for an hour last night?

Part of this might be my lack of emotional attachment. And yes, I partially mean relationship wise. My friends and family connect me to home. But when my dad passed, I just feel like I can't go back for longer than a break from school. Emotional attachment severed. Out here...there's just nothing for me. No family, few friends (all of whom have future plans outside of this place), and no relationship. Everywhere else in this world is a void too.

I'm like Nemo in a way. There's so many options out there for me.

Anyways, I keep prattling on and I know that this probably isn't making much sense. To summarize: I don't belong. And I don't know what to do about it.

In the biiiiiig, blue world....where do I belong?


Saturday, November 12, 2011

I'll Take a Double Shot of Confusion. Wait, Make it Venti.

I don't know what to do.


It seems like I'm always confused. That's why I have this blog. So I can vent about my being confused. And you guys are here to read, right?


Well. I still haven't written much. I've been so far behind on schoolwork this week that it's not even funny. I'm finally just about caught up but I'll probably be behind by Tuesday.

Can I just say how much I hate college?

Seriously. I'm a writing major. You'd think that as such, I'd be taking classes that require me to do nothing but write, write, write.


All of my classes are reading based. Which sucks ass. Also, looking over future classes here, they're all reading based. 4 courses in writing, one of which I'm already taking...and then 18 of reading. It's ridiculous. Also ridiculous is how impossible it seems to get into these classes at my school because they're all 15 people classes. Frustrating.

Also frustrating is my Academic Advisor who decided to tell me that she doesn't think that I could graduate as a writing major in time, even though I did the math and I should be fine even if I took a semester off. Yeah. Oh, and she told me my intended study abroad was a stupid idea because they don't offer many courses in my major...except none of the study abroad programs do. Yeah. Brilliant.

While I'm venting about things not being right, let me continue by saying that there's this new girl at work that I had to train the other day. Here's how our introductory conversation went.
 Girl: What's your major?
 Me: Creative Writing.
 Girl: Oh. Well you might want to do grad school and become a teacher because Creative Writing really isn't that stable of a career.
 Me: Yeah, it actually kind of is. What's your major?
 Girl: Creative Producing.
 Me: .....................

People are stupid. That's the moral to this story, dear reader. Don't worry about writing an analytical essay about the theming because I can just tell you and save the 6 double spaced pages.

Venti, part deux.

Yes, I realize venti is an the largest size of Starbucks. That's cuz this next is a biggin'.

But do I really have to tell you what this involves?

I mean, really? If you have followed my blog AT ALL in the past 10ish months that it has existed...you'll know exactly what it is.

Yup, you guessed it. Boys.

Blergity schmergity doo.

I think those three words that aren't really words describe everything, don't you? Girls, I bet you'll agree with me. Guys are too freaking confusing.

I'm giving all of my friends all this "advice" on relationships and it all sounds really good (ok, in some cases). But I've never had the sticking experience. As mentioned on earlier episodes...there are options out there for me. But only one truly intrigues me. The others I keep around because there's that feeling in me that really feels like I need something, someone, right now. I mean, I've made it through a year and half of college and still have had nothing, not to mention all the years before then.


You've all heard it before but I just really am confused and in a tough spot and all this other stuff that I don't feel like publishing on the Interwebz.

For know, I guess I'm gonna continue going along feeling confused or whatever the case might be. Maybe I'll try to get ahead on homework.



Sunday, November 6, 2011

Fall back and Disney magic!

Daylight savings is weird.

I mean, does changing the clocks for half the year REALLY make that much of a difference? Really?

I don't think it does.

I mean think of all the people who wake up too early in the Fall, or too late in the Spring.

Think of all the people who needed 24 hours in a day that only gives them 23.

It's ridiculous!

However, I'm really not going to make an argument or anything mainly because, umm, that was simply the witty intro and now it's time to move on.

So, it's November 6. Theoretically I should be a good portion into that book writing thingy.

Like the time today, I sort of fell back. (Ahaha. Puns.) Basically, I really haven't done much since after my last post here on Monday night/Tuesday morning. A few words here or there.

But I have a good excuse,  I promise!!!!


Ahaha, lame, right? I know. However, as a Creative Writing major I obviously get loaded down with so much non-Creative Writing work that I wind up not having time for writing. Irony? I think so.

Also, Tuesday afternoon, I found out that one of my best friends at school needed to move ASAP. So, being good ol' me, I helped her pack half of her room that night and move it to mine. Wednesday was just busy all on it's own thanks to work, school, work, school, experiments, homework, and honor's society. Lots of stuff all day long. BUT...I'm going to Disney World. :3 So excited.

You remember friend who needed to move? Well on Thursday, the plans became set. We'd be moving in together (cuz she really needed a new place and a roommate) to another room. So my Friday basically consisted of me going to class, then doing some Christmas shopping and then packing up basically everything I own.

And Saturday, I moved it all. And all of her stuff. And it took a really long time. And I'm really sore today. But after that, I went to Disneyland where they were doing filming for the Christmas Parade and New Years Rockin Eve. I missed Christmas (that sounds so weird), however OneRepublic was performing for New Years. So me and my friends went and watched a 3 song concert and it was awesome. And I called my BFF from home and she got to listen in cuz I think she really likes OR a bit more than I do. :) And then a CM on Main Street gave me a free brownie cuz I couldn't afford it. And we watched Fantasmic,

Life the last few days has been pretty awesome. Sure makes up for last week.

I think the point that that whole spiel was trying to prove was that I really have had too much going on to do NaNoWriMo. But I'll still work on it. In fact, they have a lovely website where you can check my progress and I'll link you to it: http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/participants/disneydreamin

Don't expect it to change from it's pitiful state for the next few days whilst I move in and get ahead on homework. But I promise I will work!!!!!!!!!

I have so much else I could say but I think I'll leave it with this.

It's raining!


Monday, October 31, 2011

Oh. Oh my.

Okay, so first off...


Secondly, my roommate is in the shower so this might be my last chance update (cuz I need to take a shower and go to sleeps and such).

Tomorrow...which starts in approximately 50 minutes...is November. If y'all remember my last post (or if you even read it cuz Blogger is telling me that it has 0 views...sadddddd) then you'll know that I'm doing NaNoWriMo.

Starting in 49 minutes (11:11!!!!!! make a wish!!!!) I will officially have no life again.

Between school, work, social life (haha, it doesn't exist), more school, and writing 50,000 words...I'll pretty much be living as a hermit. I looked it up, and I don't think blogging counts as word count. Which is really sad.

But it's incentive.

Chelsea needs to write this book (or two...). And I need to try and get 175 pages of it within the next 30 days.



So...dear reader...what's up?

On a personal note, things started looking up a bit for me last night/today. It was Halloween and I got to work and I did arts and crafts and gave out candy and my costume was awesome and I watched Tower of Terror and used the word and a lot. Long story short, after my bathroom flooded yesterday morning, things didn't suck so much as they did the past week.

I hope this means that this next month kind of rocks.

That'd be nice. (:

Anywhom. I really don't know what else to say. Other than NaNoWriMo is in 43 minutes.

Oh. Oh my.

Sorry if updates kind of suck over the next month. Y'all were along for the ride when I was writing my last book. So this will be a lot like that (with the ranging moods and insaneness, etc) except a lot more compact.

Have I mentioned I literally go nuts when I'm writing a book? Like, seriously. I get too emotionally invested. Which is both a good and bad thing. Well, I guess I should refrain and say that it's only if what I'm writing is really good.

This will be. I promise.

Maybe you'll get hints along the way.

We'll see.



Sunday, October 30, 2011

Mental Breakdown and Commitment

Guys, I'm listening to John Mayer.

This is never a good sign.

In the mind of Chelsea...John Mayer=deep, pensive and usually upset.

Here, you can join in.

Remember last post when I was describing my bad mood, etc? Welp, in the last few days...the shit has literally hit the fan. The mental breakdown has officially begun.

Nothing, absolutely nothing is going right.

If I weren't at least somewhat committed to the Creative Writing program at my school then I'd be done, gone. I would transfer schools next year...but where would I go?

I don't belong anywhere, after all.

It's funny because I just realized that the characters of all of my books always feel like they don't belong anywhere they go. In their hearts they know there's a place...but they don't know where that is. I used to believe California was my calling. Now I'm missing home, but that isn't right either. So where is it? I dunno.

So what's got Chelsea's goat?


School (see above), friends (being indecisive and flakey or not calling me back), boys (oy vay), family (miss 'em), writing (belch), reading (I miss it being my recreational sport), people (just in general)... It's all just a jumbled mass of nothingness that's gripped me by the throat and won't let go until it's ripped out my throat.

Too much? Yeah, I'll agree with that.

As I was telling my journal the other night, I just want somebody to give me a big hug and tell me everything is going to be okay (even if it isn't). Someone that I can just lean my head against and feel instantly better. Yeah, THAT kind of someone. But in my current mood and based off of lack-of-experience thus far...I'm beginning to doubt that it will ever happen for me.

"I can't stop loving you, can't stop loving you, with half of my heart."

So why don't we move on to another subject, shall we?

Several of you have been bugging me about writing lately. Well, luckily November starts on Tuesday. For those of you who don't know, November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo for short). The basic premise is to start writing on November 1st and have somewhere around 50,000 words by midnight November 30th. They don't have to be from one story or have a clear, concise idea but it's one hell of a challenge anyway.

Starting at 12:01 AM on Tuesday I'll be starting on it. I've had 2 books with a fairly strong theme that I've been wanting to write since I finished my last book. I'm hoping that I'll be able to commit to it and actually be able to get some good stuff. Hopefully I can fit in the whole 50,000 in around school and work and life. Based off of the last few days, I figure this will be good for me.

I dunno.

I honestly don't know anything anymore.

Chelsea, over and out.

Monday, October 24, 2011

What's Wrong With Me?

More and more lately it seems like I'm not sure what to do.

I'm making friends...but not socializing.

I'm miss my best friend...but we have nothing to talk about on the phone anymore.

I want to start writing...but everything I try comes out sounding terrible.

I want so badly to scream, to shout, to do SOMETHING. Something that will make me feel.

Because here's the thing...I don't know if I'm feeling anymore. I don't know what I'm doing at all.

Honestly, I'm holding back tears here and I don't even know why. Why am I feeling sad? Am I even sad? What do I want? I don't know.

Through all of the new people I'm meeting...I honestly don't get the feeling that any of them get them. Then I'll call my friends from home and talk to them on Skype. These are the ones that I understand. That I feel like I can be myself with and not have to worry about what I say and how stupid it comes out because they'll say something as ridiculous.

I want that here with me.

I wish that I could transplant all of my friends from various parts of the country and just bring them into my dorm and it would be amazing.

A lot of you are my readers, I'm thinking. You hear that? I MISS YOU.

I'm looking at moving out of California in the future. Short term, I'll stay here. Possibly do a study abroad program for 6 months to a year to get out. Finish undergraduate and from there... I don't know what. I've been debating grad school in New York. But it doesn't seem worth it to me. I'm tired of school. I'm ready to get out there and face life. Writers write. And writers can write from anywhere. Maybe London. Venice. Somewhere where I belong.

Ultimately my point in this whole post is that I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

At home, the people were right...but the atmosphere wasn't. Here seems to be the opposite. However, despite yearning for this life for so long, I'm beginning to think LA just might not be for me.

I'm lost.

And my writing. I mentioned this a moment ago. I've been wanting to write. And I have been on some degree. Actually, I wrote 10 pages of a short story for my Creative Writing class. But when I got close to finishing it...I hated it. So it went into the handy dandy "Trash" icon.

Everything I'm putting out lately has been crap. Even my grades are turning to crap.

It's like, in the months since I got out of my first year of college and now, I've lost something. Both physically and metaphorically. I mean, I lost my home, my friends, and most importantly my father. Metaphorically, it seems like my inspiration has withered away. I have all these books in my head that I'm trying to write...but I can't seem to find the will to do them.


There. That helped a bit.

I'm just wondering what's wrong with me. Something is. But I just can't put my finger on it. I just miss my dogs, my dad, my life, my inspiration, and the friends I care about so dearly.

Depressing blogger, over and out.


Thursday, October 20, 2011

Wait for it...


Yes, dear reader, that was the sound of relief.

Of satisfaction.

Of a job well done.

As other adjectives that I really don't feel like googling.

Currently, I'm chillin' in bed. Comfy sweater on, lights out, Josh Groban on.

Take a listen dear reader:

 Ok, it's a sappy song. Get over it.

Anyways. Why am I so comfy and satisfied?

Because midterms are, for the most part, over. I can finally breathe. Over the past week, I've been studying French nonstop, while also writing literary theory essays, reading 17th century absurdism, discovering business general business techniques and relating them to Disney, AND studying the reasons that liberal democracies often don't go to war with one another.


But it's all over now (with the exception of the rest of the semester but still...).

I can't chillax.

Which brings me to my next question.... Sup?

What's up with you reader? I know none of you will ever reply but still...let's pretend I'm interested in what you're doing (I'm kidding. I really am.)

...That was a  really dysfunctional semi-paragraph....

So, step one in my chillaxing came after classes were over today. I went to Sally's Beauty Supply and bought hair dye (again). Can I just say how much I LOVE Sally's? Seriously, I walk into that place and feel like a sorority girl on acid.

Step Two was going birthday shopping for my bestest friend. She's gonna love me.

Step Three: Dye my hair (again). Came out AWESOME. Seriously.  I feel like singing "Part of Your World" and jumping around in a green skirt and purple bra (neither of which I own, btdubs).

Step Four: Checking out fashion designs online. There's this person on Tumblr called disneybound and her shit is off the heeezy. Ok, for those of you who don't speak whatever that was, her stuff is super cute!

Step Five: Chatting with some friends via le interwebz. I don't think I've been on Skype more today than I have been ever before.

Step Five-point-Five: Hand writing a letter to my sister. The OLD FASHIONED way (hence "hand writing"). Also 5.5 because there was some time lapse between the acts of 5 in which I did this.

Step Six: Blogging. Ya hear?!

Step Seven will consist of me watching Hulu until I can't stay awake any longer. Well...at least until I feel like I can adequately function for my 9 AM class tomorrow.

And then staying up until 3 AM the next morning.

Because Step Eight of chillaxing is me going to Knott's Scary Farm which closes at 2AM Saturday morning. Good stuff. :)

Needless to say I will be dead on Saturday, which is great because I'm going to a sorority (SALLY'S!!!) party until 2AM Sunday.


Anyways, not much has happened on the path to writer's salvation. Actually, nothing has happened. I need to write more and start contacting agents and stuff.

(Ok, my room smells like popcorn. Apparently someone is baking in the kitchen below me. Sorry, random thoughts and observations.)

I haven't been to Disney at all this week and probably won't go until November. Which is weird because November is seriously a week and some change away. SCARY (ironic because it's October...month of haunts).

Can you tell this is a dysfunctional post?! Honestly, I'm not writing with much purpose right now.

Wow, how symbolic. Writing without purpose.

Ok, I think we're good. Expect more blog posts from here on out til finals starts (you've got a good 6-7 weeks). I'd apologize about the lack of symmetry on this post, but I'm acute and don't really care.

Puns, so many puns.

Off to the Hulu-mobile!!!!

<3 Chelsea

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Let's Go on an Adventure

It's 12:25 AM.

Honestly, I don't know why I'm still awake.

Ok, that's not true. I do know why I'm awake.


It's been a while, dear reader. The last week...well, it's seemed a lot longer than it actually probably has been.

1. I have midterms next week. I'm freaking out because I legitimately don't feel like I'm prepared for any of this stuff. In previous years, I've gone into midterms and finals without even feeling the need to study. Usually, it's NBD.

I think I chose my classes poorly this year.

Usually they all relate to one another (geology and anthropology; psychology and sociology and philosophy).

But this semester I'm taking business, international relations, writing, lit traditions and french. I feel like I'm all over the board and nothing relates. Hopefully this is the end of my GE's so I can get into the nitty gritty Creative Writing stuff and be happy.

I'm just under a lot of stress with the obcene amount of reading I have to do in my Lit Traditions (200ish due per class day) and how far behind I feel in French 201 (considering I took 101/102 in high school with a less than satisfactory teacher).

To sum it all up: asdhfksjadlfdsgfsdaklfiohfoweahfoaehr89ewr90weurjsdbfvhksbflksd;ljfsdh

Pretty much.

2. Lack of sleep (see previous text).

3. Missing my family and friends a lot. It's Parent's Weekend at school right now. So on top of having to see everyone and their mother (literally) with their dads...I also have to go without my own family.

4. I'm going to Disney a lot to get over the previous 3 things. Kind of counteractive. However, I went with my friend from high school/fellow blogger Hope today (she works there as a DCP). It was pretty awesome. Hope and I haven't really hung out since I was a high school sophomore/junior (strange thinking about that cuz I'm now a college Sophomore) but it was nice just to be with someone from home who I didn't feel like I had to explain my whole life story to. She and I have the same sense of humor in a way. I don't know...it was just nice.

5. My school friends and I aren't exactly meshing at the moment. Too judgmental.

6. Boys. Always boys. I've pretty much given up on main boy. I don't want to...but I feel like I'm just gonna be hurting myself in this whole process so I'm just saying no. On top of that, I have a sneaking suspicion that there are 2-3 others who have interest in me. I don't know who reads my blog (BECAUSE NONE OF YOU COMMENTED ON MY LAST POST--BAD READER) so I'm just gonna have to keep my fingers closed tight on this matter. Let's just say I don't know #1 well enough to judge, #2 would never work out, and #3 probably wouldn't either (despite my wanting it if it ever could). Anyways, that's a bit of a stressor on me.

However, there are other good things happening.

1. I have an audition on Sunday. Super freakin excited. And I think I might be able to do it. More info after everything is said and done.

2. If I don't make it into the thing that previously mentioned audition is for, then I might be going to Florida for interterm in January with my mom.

3. I discovered that not only does interterm last for 6 weeks...but I also get a few extra days because of my awesome finals scheduling. Yay. :)

Anyways...this is a lot of typing and I just feel like going to bed. Hopefully I'll be able to blog again after my midterms are over with.

Peace and sleep.


Friday, October 7, 2011

Jumbled Thoughts From Javajavajava Filled Mind

Helloooooo, dear blog followers.

True story: I just had coffee.

We all know how this ends.

Another true story: When I'm bored I looked at the lovely statistics Blogspot provides me about my readers. And, oh ho ho, are they interesting.

Actually, no they're not. And the fact that I'm bored enough to the point that THAT is the most interesting thing I can think of doing is a bit pathetic.


A lot of you are from Twitter. Which is pretty cool. And kind of weird considering most (nearly all) of my "real life friends" aren't on my Twitter (not that those of you who are aren't my friends...I just don't go to school, etc with you and/or haven't actually met you). Anyways, most of the rest of you guys are from Facebook.

HOWEVER...there are some of you that come from goodness knows where. Apparently, there's quite a few on "Farmgirlforfreedom"'s blogspot.

There's a ton of you from some weird online student website that I've never heard of.

And Russians. Lots of Russians.

Sooooo, dear readers, I'm curious: Where do you come from? Contrary to popular belief, you do NOT have to make a blogger account to comment on my posts. So I need all of you to comment on this and tell me where you hail from.

Because I'm curious.

There's a lot of other stuff I could be doing right now. For example, I have a huge paper due in approximately 5 days that I really haven't done much with (it was assigned the first day of school...). I could be doing that. I could be...doing French homework. Reading for International Relations. Uhhh...pretty much anything but this.

However, right now I feel like doing three things.
1. Blogging [Check]
2. Playing around with my new Mac (my last computer crashed...don't worry, the writing was backed up this time) [Check]
3. Going to Disneyland [Working on this one...but I work tonight. Hopefully my friend ditches her next class]

So as for things I need to do...really none of it is being accomplished. However, the things I WANT to do are doing quite pleasantly.

I don't know what's wrong with me this semester. Throughout all of my educational career, I've had no problems getting to work on my stuff. Getting homework done, acing tests, being on top of it all and having a social life.

But since I got here...well, I have yet to get an A on anything. Not that many of my assignments weren't A-worthy...but I always seem to get chastised by my professor by putting TOO MUCH on my test/paper/etc. So I'll get a B+. Or my Creative Writing teacher, aka--The Snooty Perfectionist, who gave me a b+ on my jaw-drop-worthy piece because it wasn't how he would have written it.

Uhm, hello... I'm the author here!!!

Speaking of authorship, I need to work on getting agents. I have a new list going, but I need to do some more research into the area and start sending out queries. I'm trying to get picked up by the end of the year.

So let's add this to the 'need to do' list.

I've been getting a lot of creative inspiration lately (if you remember my Literary Contractions...). But with all the stuff aforementioned...I just can't find the time or the peace of mind to sit down and write it all down. Last Monday I actually got a bit of a chance because my work (as a Student Technical Advisor) is pretty chill so I can sit and not do much but homework and writing. So far.

Yes, I still do feel like I'm the edge of something symbolic.

And, I think I'm going to Disneyland. Like, right now.

So everyone comment on this.

[Check] Chelsea

P.S. Welp, five minutes later and I guess I'm not actually going. Blerrrrrgh.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Up in Smoke

The villians are taking over Mickey Mouse's dream!

Headed by the evil Maleficent, several bad guys turn fairy tales sour. Pink elephants dance, pirates fight, princesses get...well the princesses aren't really affected.

But my point is, evil reigns.

And it's up to Mickey to save all the good guys.

He confronts Maleficent who gets all PMS-y and turns into a dragon. Mickey, being classy, stands up for himself and stabs her with his magical sword (without even looking!).

And, it a burst of smoke, Maleficent is no more and fairy tales come true ever after.

While this Disney theme park show might sound a little fantasmical (aha, puns...) it still relates a lot to life. Well, at least mine.

There's something most people don't know about me.

When I was in a futile "relationship" and attempting getting over this kid, I had a book full of letters that I'd written to him, valentines, texts we'd sent, and IM chats we'd had.

One of my best friends had a similar book for her guy who was similarly a douche.

We were depressed.

We were also pissed.

Just outside of our part of town was a road that lead to the river. So, one day, we took our books and went down by the water and set fire to our books.

There's something so relieving about seeing all this stuff that used to mean so much to you burn to cinders. Despite the smoke, it was a breath of fresh air.

This act was also illegal, btdubs.

Recently, my roommate got these pieces of paper that you're supposed to write a wish on and set them on fire and watch the wind carry them away (imagine the lanterns from 'Tangled').

We decided to do this together.

But me, being me, fudged it a little bit. I wrote a few different options--the things like boys, money, and stress that have been bothering me lately--on the piece of paper.

A Choose Your Own Adventure type thing, if you will.

So we went outside our room to the outdoor hallway, took the matches (also illegal, btw) and set them aflame.

And these wishes, things I needed to get off my mind, also went up in smoke just like the wishes and happy moments turned bitter that was in my notebook.

Let me tell you, I'm pretty sure all those wishes came true...but not in the way I had planned them at all.

Boys: Welp, got asked out (hence last weeks anxiety attack). But not by the guy I like.

Work: Got a job. That one's pretty straightforward. Sure, it's not at Disney and is kind of not the best but I can live.

Stress: Honestly, I don't remember what I put for this one. So we'll just say that it's taken care of.

As a note, I'm not trying to turn you into Pyromaniacs (don't be Trashcan Man).

My point is, just like Mickey made Maleficent disappear and happy times to come by stabbing her, it is possible for us to get rid of our problems by just taking a stab at getting rid of them. If we let them known, and sacrifice them to the powers that be, then we can all be dancing princes and princesses on a boat. :)


Thursday, September 29, 2011

On the Edge of...Something Symbolic.

There's so much I wish I could explain in this blog. Sadly, it's public and most of you come from Facebook or Twitter. And you know me. So it's awkward. Oh, and the stories (like guys, and funny dumb people, etc) revolve around you.

Sorry about that. Just take it as a compliment. YOU ARE IMPORTANT.

I wish I'd brought my journal with me from home.

You might not know this, dear reader, but ol' Chelsea here kept a journal everyday from May 23, 2007-sometime in summer 2010. It has everything in it: Starting from my first lead role in a play, to my years being depressed and suicidal, to finding my way out, what I thought at the time was love, secrets, dreams, writing, my first and second books...

When I say everything, I almost literally mean it. I had 3 journals and they filled up fast.

I wish I'd brought one with me. I really could have used it post my Monday night post. See, I kind of had this anxiety attack of sorts.

My heart has been racing for the past 3ish days straight. Starting sometime on Monday I began an anxiety attack that lasted all that day, the night, and then Tuesday. Wednesday it was fine.

But I got up this morning and there is was, racing again.

So much has been happening.

School and life in general have been enought. But once you add the whole boy dilemma I've been facing...

It's all so very overwhelming.

And I don't know what to do.

But at the same time I want to take it all in. I want to experience it all and explore my options and start living this life.

With all that's been happening, there's a certain feeling I can't seem to shake.


It's like I'm waiting on the edge of...I don't know. The edge of something symbolic. Anyways, on the edge I feel like I can teeter so many different ways. But, I know that once I do fall, something big is going to happen (if your something symbolic was a cliff, then no...it will not be death. I hope).

As John Mayer would say I'm waiting...waiting on the world to change.

Something big is going to happen.

I can just feel it.

Now let's end with something entertaining.



Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Come What May. And Terrible Puns!

It's 11:26.

Approximately 26 minutes ago, I made a terrible mistake.

I had coffee. That wasn't the mistake though. It was the fact that it was some Folgers crap instead of my Starbucks Via. :(

Well, maybe the coffee was a mistake. I have a class in 9 hours. And I'm not sleeping anytime soon.


What was my last post? Ah, yes, being an Eyre-hard.

Welp, since then I went to Disneyland on Saturday with some new friends. It was pretty awesome.

I got hugged. By a lot of characters. And people. And I saw fireworks and nighttime spectaculars. Twas magical. :)

Then I did homework yesterday.

And today I had class, a job interview (which I scored!!!!) then did some shopping at Disneyland. Cuz I'm awesome.

Anyways. A few weeks ago, I made some huge rant about this guy that I like and how I wish they would step up to the plate.

Welp, since then I've had a semi-obsession with that situation. It's been driving me crazy. That terrible feeling of that inner struggle:

Does he like me?

I don't think he does.

But, wait, he might now.

Am I reading too far into it?

Oh, that was so nice.

She says he never looked away from me.

But he seems to ignore me.

Oh, that smile is so beautiful.

If he likes me, why doesn't he just ask?

I'm going crazy.

So I've made a decision. I'm in college. There should be a variety of opportunities out there for me. I like this kid but I'm not going to kill myself over this possibility of a relationship. There are others. Heck, within the last 24 hours there have been...

I'm not going to gush it out over this blog.

I'm going to write it out. Cuz that's what writers do, write? That was supposed to be a pun. Somehow it's now 12:23 so my punny humor has all but been erased.

Erased? Writer? Eh, it was worth a shot.

Anyway, I was trying to prove a point before I went on that strange coffee-nightynight-induced tangent.

What I was going to say is that I'm going to stress over this what-might-possibly-be-relationship.

I'm going to open my mind to a variety of different options.

I'll let life happen and see what I'm able to take out of it.

Come what may.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Twi-hard? No, I'm an Eyre-hard.


It's been a while, Dear Reader. Like, over a week.

First off, I'm sorry. :(

I really like writing these little nibblets of information for you to gobble up (get it, nibblets? gobble? ok, gimme a break. it's 12:16 AM). As I was saying...

I like doing these posts. It's just my life lately has gone a little something like this:

[otorsegtiolfdmg'fsd]iuewuhfklrsehtuohgiutrdifoeSAndhenrgptrjfwdklhgri45othyuporlsegjkesdhgkjsadf8d9ht67w5438y4w3ryh iusegbFX"dty54ert6464w35y843rgt;rwiehjt65tgbfxcRe/rt5t%$^%$W^

So. Fast forward replay of the last week.

Drove 6 hours home. Saw friends. Saw mommy. Saw my puppies. Surprised my nephews. Watched TV. Yoga. Drove 6 hours back. All in a 36 hour period.

Then Monday I went back to classes which was most awesome. I had to read more of my work for Creative Writing which was intense winning. I might've posted it on here before... I'll look and if not, that'll be my next post. The whole class was lyke ":O!!!!!" Then I went to Disneyland with a friend from school.


(Can I just sidenote how flippin excited I am for Halloween?! Along with Christmas, it's my favorite festive time of year. And I have a flippin awesome costume this year. (:    )

Then Tuesday brought a French test, Wednesday brought boringness and then another jaunt to Disneyland then honor's society meetings.

Can I just say that I think I'm genetically programmed to meet people who like Disney like I do? At my honor's society, I met a girl who loooooves the parks and listens to the Disney podcast that I'm mentioned on just about every week. Then one of my best friends at school I met through planning to go to Disneyland. It's pretty awesome.

Then there was Thursday which I can't even remember. All I know is I went to the gym at 9PM and ran a few miles. Cuz I'm that awesome.

OH, I GOT A JOB INTERVIEW!!! At the Theatre department as Stage Crew. I'm pretty flippin excited. Theatre will always be my first love (sorry, Creative Writing...).

Then today I had one class, spent some time on my costume, then hung out with a friend. We went and saw Pride and Prejudice (the play) out here and it's awesome. (Here's where my English nerdiness comes out just a bit) While the Mr. Bingley in the play was sooooo cute, I'll eternally be in love with the character of Mr. Darcy.
I mean, seriously?! <3

Of course, there's also Mr. Rochester from Jane Eyre....


Ok, enough drooling over sexy actors playing these emotionally rich roles from classic novels that I squeal in delight of while most girls my age do it over fugly vampires and werewolves who can't act worth shit.

Not that I think less of them. Ahem.


I think I'll update more tomorrow or another day or something sometime soon. It's kind of 12:35. I mean, East Coast time, that's 3:35. In the morning. Yikes.

Last time you got "tired, leave me the heck alone" Chelsea. This time you have the "too giddy to do anything right but wants y'all in my life in some form" Chelsea.

See, I do this for you!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

What's My Name? Where's My Room? Where's My Inflatable Zebra?

Okay, I don't have an inflatable zebra.

But this has pretty much been how my life has been for the last week and a half.

I have so much reading homework it's not even funny. I read 150 pages of The Aeneid today. And then 150 pages of stuff for my International Relations class. And that was just today. I have to do that every other day. It's ridiculous.

Then add French homework (F my life on that one), Business homework/reading, and creative writing.

Crap. Creative Writing. The fucking reason I'm in this school.

With all my other homework, this has sort of fallen to the wayside. Yet somehow I promised my teacher that I would have something prepared for Monday.

Did I mention I'm going home this weekend?


Needless to say, I'm exhausted. The lingering effects of summer, the fact I don't have a job to force me to construct my timeline better, and the fact that my dad is on my mind are cluttering my head and I just feel...


Yet somehow, it's 11:35 PM, I have a 7:17 AM wake-up call...and I'm blogging. This is life, people.

I don't even know what I'm doing here.

Otherwise, school has been going fairly well. I am actually meeting new people and having some good times. I joined the English Honor's Society which I'm really excited about (where else can I talk to other nerds like me?!). I have only been to Disneyland ONCE since the Sunday before Labor Day. I know, I'm shocked too. And proud. :)

I've applied to, like, 1000000000 jobs...and still haven't heard back from any of them. Yes, one of them was to Disneyland. And half of the others were in Downtown Disney. Obsessed? Just a bit.


Because I'm kind of going broke at this point, which isn't good because I need money to, like, drive and do laundry and use the freakin' expensive copy machines.

Did I mention I'm going home this weekend?

I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!! :D :D :D

I get to see my mommy, my doggies, my nephews, my doggies, my best friends, my doggies, and watch TV! Did I mention my doggies? Taking the 6 hour drive down after my Friday morning class, and then back up Sunday morning/afternoon. Short trip. But it'll be nice.

Except making up all of the homework previously mentioned. That's not so nice.

I'm really in the mood to write, but I know I shouldn't be doing my writing at this time of night. Blogging, yes. Writing, no. It will suck. And I'll stay up all night.

But I WILL work on it tomorrow. I pwomise. :)

Can you tell I'm tired, Dear Reader?

There was no real theme to this post, but it's OK. Sometimes short and sweet and to the point is all that matters. It's time for bed.

Chelsea, over and out.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Wasting Time, Girly Moments, and Other Life Stories

There are so many things I could be doing right now.

I could be cleaning and organizing my room.

I could be doing my French and International Relations homework that is due tomorrow.

I could be doing shopping for things I still need for my room.

I could be running.

But here's the funny thing--I feel like blogging. It's a bad habit to get into at the beginning of the school year: To be doing this rather than other things that need to be done. But whatever. It's college, I do what I want.

I don't even know what I want to blog about. I just feel like typing this out and we'll see where it goes.

Hmmm...over the last few days I've been going through a variety of emotions. Not as extreme as the last two weeks, but still there. My dad is almost always on my mind. On a few occasions, I've burst into tears thinking about him. For instance, my mom said she found something of his from several years ago. I was going along fine until BAM...face filled with tears. And again last night when I was watching a "He's Just Not That Into You" and Jennifer Aniston's dad has a heart attack.

It's weird. I know it was recent (4 weeks ago as of yesterday) but I didn't expect to be going through these strange periods of highs and lows.

I'm starting to get more and more into school. Met a couple new friends, went to one party, like a few of my classes, started applying for jobs, and tonight I have the first meeting of the English Honor's Society. Trying to get involved as much as I can. I know I can do it this semester, but the rest of the year and 2 years after, I'm not so sure about.  I guess I'll have to figure it out as time goes by.

Ok, here comes my quarterly "girly moment" (Fall 2011 edition).

If you've read my last post ("So There's This Thing"), then I mentioned that I was currently in "like" with someone.

Yes, it is true.

Over the course of this blog--this is the third "like".

The first two didn't work out for their own reasons. And I'm ok with that.

This one might be a bit different. I don't know.

I don't even have his phone number.

All I know is that the one friend I have that's met him too says she thinks he's "showing signs of being totally into [me]".

I'm terrible at relationships, I've decided. Never really ever having one, I don't know what it takes to be in one and how the whole "courting" situation goes. And especially in this day and age when girls can ask out guys...I'm just really confuzzled.

I wish people were clear cut about this. If I had the balls to walk up to this guy and say "Hey, I like you. Maybe we could go out" I totally would. But I'm old fashioned. Plus, I never know if they like me back.

So, really, I wish that they would just be a man, waltz up to me and say "Hey, I like you. Maybe we could go out." Dude, if you read this, and you like me, just freakin' tell me. I'm not saying that I'll say I like you back, but to be able to know without all these false pretenses going on would be great. And it would satisfy my need for old-fashionedness.

Apparently I'm now becoming of the age where several people that I know are starting to get married. My best friend and I were talking about this on the phone the other day. Within the last year, 5 of our friends have gotten engaged or married. I know at least 2 others that probably will within the next year as well.

As for me, I'm scared of getting married. I also mentioned this on my last post. I don't want to become this new person if/when I get married. I don't want to have all of my goals and things I hope to achieve be completely thrown off course.

I need a guy that understands and supports that.

I'm not making much sense to myself. I've been lacking on sleep, apparently. So let's finish this off like any good English student, shall we?

Concluding paragraph:

All in all, I'm happy with my life as of this moment. There may be things that I wish, like family that lives closer and more friends, but I'm content in my lifestyle. Perhaps this guy will admit that he, too, likes me. Every body loves a happy ending, don't they? The happiest ending I could ever imagine is to be content with my life, achieve my goals as a writer and person, be with my family, and maybe--just maybe--find a guy that will want all the same things for me, him and us.

Girly moment over.

The end.

Back to French and International Relations.

Monday, September 5, 2011

So There's This Thing.

So, it's Labor Day.

Considering the majority of the students in my school have parents within a 70 mile radius, it's pretty quiet around here right now.

Well, except that one girl outside who won't stop shouting.

But other than that, most people are gone for BBQ-ing and such.

Not me. Nope. I've been sitting in my dorm room all day: First I talked on the phone for 2 hours, then I Twittered and Facebooked, then I pulled out the books I need to read, then I changed my sheets, then I Twittered and Facebooked, then I put the pillowcases on my nekkid pillows, then I started reading one of my books, Twitter, Facebook, more reading, deep sighing, pulled up my French homework and proceeded to bang my head on the desk at my lack of rememberance of the French language. Ugh. Then more Twitter and Facebook.

And now here I am.

Somewhere in one of those Facebook sprees, I pulled up my friend Hope's blog. Hope is a wonderful person I know from high school and she's currently living 5 miles away from me because she's working at Disneyland for the College Program. It's pretty awesome. And so is her blog.

But anyway, she was nominated for this thing called "Versatile Blog Award". Basically, everyone who's nominated must write 7 factoids about themselves and then link you, the reader, to 5 more blogs.

Apparently, it's a thing.

So I've been nominated from the lovely Hope. You all probably either know a lot of crap about me, or nothing, or just random tidbits.

Let's learn some more shall we?

1) I'm really terrible at writing facts about myself in a numbered and non-roundabout fashion. So this is gonna be fun.

2) My Senior prom cost me $25. $15 for the dress (clearance) and $10 for food (Chinese take-out). That's cuz I'm awesome and I won a contest where I got $100 for David's Bridal which my sister and I used for accessories and also got my tickets for free. It was pretty awesome.

3) As I write this I'm on Skype video chatting with one of my friends from home. It's pretty awesome.

4) I have a lot of friends who have just recently been married or engaged or are about to be married or engaged. Part of yearning for boyfriends and marriage and such, but the other part is scared shitless of marriage. I'm afraid that I'll never meet "Mr. Right", yet at the same time I'm frightened that if/when I do, I'll completely change myself for marriage. Oh, also, I'm currently in "like" with someone who I half think likes me back, half think wouldn't look at me twice. I'll probably do a whole post about this at some point.

5) My dream used to be an actress. I'm so glad that it isn't anymore. I love writing more than I could have ever realized.

6) My music tastes vary widely. Right now, I'm listening to my Gaga/Rihanna playlist. Earlier I had Benny Goodman playing. I think it adds a certain quirk to me.

7) I'm a genuinely funny person once you get to know me. The thing is, I'm so frightened to meet new people that most they usually don't see that side of me for quite some time.

Now, to tag my other bloggers.

1. Tulips to Kiss You With

2. All That is Holly

3. Musings of a Closet Writer

.... Hope is the only other blogger I follow that releases content and I already linked you to her.

So y'all. That's the thing.


Saturday, September 3, 2011

Forms of Inspiration

It is 12:32 AM.

12:32 AM on Saturday.

If you remember, dear reader, my last post consisted of me making an agreement with myself that I would stick it out to Friday of the first week of class and then see if I want to drop out and go home, take a leave, or to stay here.

Welp, I'm still here.

Let me explain a bit (I will anyway so just keep reading):

This week has been full of ups and downs. Sometimes I look back on it, and it seems to have gone by soooo slowly, each moment ticking slower than the one before it. And then other times, it speeds up so incredibly fast that I have to do a double take.

Classes have gone fairly well thus far. I have only male teachers (and I'm sure my female/homosexual readers would like to know that one is very sexy indeed). The classes involve a lot of reading from all different areas, and several projects that look quite compelling. Except French. It's been 2 years since I've spoken French and I threw myself into an Intermediate class where the teacher likes to speak francais 100% du temps (of the time). It's frustrating.

I haven't done much social event stuff, but I have made some friends that I chill with or just have breakfast with. It's fun.

Nights seem to be the hardest part of this process. I miss my mom, my dogs, my nephews, my comfortable bed, and sometimes even my brothers ( :P ).

I still feel lonely because most of the time I am alone in a crowd of people. When by myself and alone, I'm perfectly fine. But to be the odd man out, it frightens me. I don't like being alone.

There's ups and there's downs.

Tuesday night, I called my mom crying and ready to pack my things and head home. She told me to go ask my RA the steps for going home after I took a shower. Sometime before I made it out of my room, I called her back and said that I would give it til the end of the week.

Come Wednesday afternoon, I had my Creative Writing course. Lately, I haven't felt much like writing. All these ideas, no desire to sit down and do it. However, my professor gave us the assignment to sit quietly and write whatever we felt like.

And so I did.

And because this blog is for my writing, I decided to actually post writing tonight. So here's what I wrote.

“Run!” they shouted loudly. “Hurry!”
The men in boots stormed through the house, pushing my family along.
“Pack your things!” they yelled. “Quickly!”
Their harsh German accents were loud, harsh. My instinct was to fight back, but common sense told me that that would only land me in a mass grave.
Quickly, I grabbed the suitcase that I had intended to use when I ran away with Linda. Throwing clothes in, I allowed myself to say good-bye to her in my soul. They said that Jews never came back when they were relocated. I would never see my beauty again.
Across the hall, I heard my father whisper for my mother to hide the few family heirlooms we still had in her apron pocket. The Nazi’s would only steal it for themselves when they ransacked our home after we left. Silently, tears rolling down her cheeks, she did as she was told.
It took less than five minutes before we were standing in front of what had once been our home, in a massive crowd of other star-wearing neighbors. We held hands through the streets as the soldiers marched us to the train station.
We passed by Linda’s home, but I couldn’t bear to see if she was at that window where we had fallen in love so short a time ago. Did she see me? Was she crying at the sight of so many Jews on the way to slaughter?
Onto the train, we piled, hearing the Nazi’s German shouted. Many of us wept, others prayed. The cattle doors shut behind us and we were locked in darkness.
There was no room to sit, to breathe. We could only stand, packed tightly together. My mother and father were on either side of me, frozen with fear. The train began pulling away and there were shouts from all around as we lurched forward.
So many sweating bodies of so many ages quickly began smelling. My neighbors constantly knocked into me with each bump in the track. The prayers and shouts continuing, asking for God or the Germans to save our lives.
But all I could seem to think of was Linda.

It was funny how quickly I caught sight of Paul in the sea of faces.
Just moments before, I had been awoken from my slumber by the harsh shouting just outside the house. Flying to the window, I saw them coming.
Both my enemy and my greatest love.
The soldiers marched them through the town for us all to see the “traitors to humankind”. They were taking them to the last train ride of their lives.
But there was Paul—tall and strong amongst the frightened. He held tightly to his mother and father, whom I’d only seen from afar. He did not look at me, but I could not take my gaze off of him until they turned a corner and were out of sight.
With nothing more than my nightgown on, I sprinted from my room, down the staircase and out the front door. I saw my father, dressed in his finest watching the last of the Jews walking to their death.
“Where are they going?” I asked, although I knew perfectly well.
My father, standing tall and still, took a long moment to answer.
“They are being relocated to a more suitable area for their kind.”
Just a few weeks ago, I would have believed him thoroughly. Before I met Paul, before I learned what it was like to be amongst the Jewish community, before I fell in love and began to have an opinion of my own.
But now I knew better.
“But why?”
“It is the way of the world of my child.” He turned to face me, keeping his face straight. “This evening I will be leaving to oversee their new community. To assure it is to their liking.”
“Your mother and you will be going on holiday until I return.”
“But Papa—”
“Enough Linda. You do as you’re told.”
“But Papa, I would so much enjoy to see their new community.” He looked suspicous at this and I scrambled for reasoning. “I would like to better understand how to accomplish the Aryan quest. To make a better world.”
He considered this for a few moments. The streets outside had cleared so quickly after the Death March had left that you wouldn’t have known it had happened if you weren’t there. That was the Hitler’s master plan, wasn’t it? To make it seem like the Jews had never been here in the first place.
“Very well, Lise. You will accompany me for a few days. But while we are there, you are to speak to no one and to do exactly as told. Do you understand?”
“Yes Papa.”
“Go get ready. We will leave after supper.”
I practically ran to my room, giddy with excitement. A plan had formed in my head.
While my father worked, I would disguise myself and find a way to Paul. From there, we could run away to the United States together. Never having to worry about Hitler or his supreme race again.
Two star-crossed lovers would be reunited once more.

Of course some details have been changed for copyright purposes, but there we have it. I had to read mine aloud to the class (3 of the class of 14 did).

My professor called it both "chilling" and "inspiring". It earned a stamp of approval from a professor who is a published author.

This gave me the spark of confidence that I needed so desperately. I needed to know that I could do this writing thing, that THIS is the reason I came to the school in the first place.

Everything just seems so much better now. It's going to continue going through ups and downs, but I know now why I came to this school. Why I'm being taken from my family and made to go through this struggle.

I can do it. I'm staying until at least the end of the semester, and then we'll see what happens from there.

For a bit of housekeeping, I would like to thank all of my friends that have been so supportive of me during the last few difficult weeks. You have no idea how much this means to me.

However, to the young person who continues to e-mail and attempt to contact me, PLEASE leave me alone. If you choose to continue reading my blog (not recommended), then no more comments. They're rather annoying and I don't need you in my life. The answer will always be no. Thank you.

I always seem to apologize for long posts, but then again most of my posts are long. I figure it makes up for my gaps in actually posting them. So, I hope you enjoyed this time with me. I sure did.