Saturday, November 19, 2011

In the Big, Blue World....

Well, ahem...hi.

I feel like playing music. Listen along, readers... 

(pay attention...this song comes to prove a point)

I've explained before that this blog is a form of therapy for me. Well...last night I was in this strange mood, going crazed for reasons I don't feel like explaining. Long story short, I wound up crying with my mom on the phone for a good hour, followed by having nice, long chats with some very good friends of mine.

One of whom, we were partially introduced through this blog. (Funny, the way the world turns, right?) Anyway, talking to him, I realized that this blog is not only a therapy for me lately...but also one of my closest friends in California.

Sure I have a few friends at school and several others who live in the area...but nothing compared to what I had at home. It's to be expected because I only moved here 14 weeks ago, after all. But anyways... This blog is sort of like my confidante. You guys who read it are, for the most part, anonymous. Sometimes you'll leave a comment letting me know you've read...but when it comes down to it, this blog is basically my personal journal (that just happens to be broadcasted over the interwebz).

[Right now, I'm blabbing on to myself. I have a point to prove, I promise. I just need to find it.]

I'm confused lately.

I like my school, but I don't feel like I fit in. I'm considering transferring...again. Possibly somewhere closer  to home. Possibly somewhere 3000 miles away. I've been partially accepted into a study abroad program that would technically give me admission into a school on the opposite side of the country. Hell, I could transfer out of the country.

But despite all of these options, I don't feel like I belong in any of these places. I didn't fit in at home, and I thought California would be the cure. But it really just doesn't seem to be working out. And when I think of transferring, none of my options feel like they would be the right place either. Throughout my entire childhood, I knew I was made differently from everyone else around me. That feeling sort of went away, but here it is again.

I don't belong anywhere.

The older I get, the closer I get to having to find my path and settle down, the more I have to start thinking about the future...the less I feel "right". I've been told that a lot of people feel this way but I just don't know.

Do you see why I was crying on the phone for an hour last night?

Part of this might be my lack of emotional attachment. And yes, I partially mean relationship wise. My friends and family connect me to home. But when my dad passed, I just feel like I can't go back for longer than a break from school. Emotional attachment severed. Out here...there's just nothing for me. No family, few friends (all of whom have future plans outside of this place), and no relationship. Everywhere else in this world is a void too.

I'm like Nemo in a way. There's so many options out there for me.

Anyways, I keep prattling on and I know that this probably isn't making much sense. To summarize: I don't belong. And I don't know what to do about it.

In the biiiiiig, blue world....where do I belong?


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