Thursday, September 22, 2016

Which Way Do I Go?

I'm bored.

And I say that on so much more than just a surface level.

For so long now, I've felt so utterly bored, searching and scanning for something that makes my heart beat fast and the blood to rush to my head.

For so long, I've been searching for a passion.

I realized the other day, while talking to my mom on the phone, one of the past times that makes me feel extremely old and very young all at the same time, that I haven't felt passion in so so so long.

The last time I distinctly remember feeling a form of passion last for more than a few fleeting minutes or hours was two hears ago, when I was still working as a Trainer at the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland. Training people how things worked, and being able to explain the history to those who visited, and share my passion with them--THAT was what I felt passion for.

Before that, it was probably my first year of college when I was writing for me, writing stories that I wanted to share with the world, the passion I wanted to SHARE.

And honestly that was the longest lasting passion. Writing. For weeks on end I would stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning, typing away at my next great novel, as my brain filled with more and more stories to tell and share. And I was good. I am good. The only difference between then and now is the fact that I seem to have lost my passion.

I don't know where it's gone.

I miss the days where I used to stay up so late with a nonstop thread of ideas, and I couldn't sleep until I had painted them all on the page. I miss the days of bashing my head against the wall because I was so frustrated because I could see point A and point C, but I couldn't figured out how to work B in there. I miss having to run out to the store every week because I constantly was running out of ink and red pens.

Mistake after mistake. Correction after correction. Sleepless night after sleepless night.

I loved it all.

I had never felt so alive.

I miss that.

And I guess what I'm trying to say now is that I'm just so bored of not feeling that passion. I don't know what has changed in that time. Actually, I can't say that exactly truthfully....

A lot has changed in that time. I went to school and got pulled apart by my peers and professors. I was forced to write not what I was passionate about, but about what my professors were passionate about, and my peers were passionate about. But rarely ever what I was passionate about. They didn't want to hear about it, none of them.

And slowly I stopped bothering to do it on my own time. I didn't have the time. And I didn't have the passion. And I didn't have the audience.

And a lot of stuff has happened now. From that, to a pretty bad relationship ending, to working full time... Slowly, and yet quickly at the same time, things started to pile up, started to drown out my passion. And then it was gone.

And here I am, part of me stuck on the bottom of a hole, and the other part of me looking down from the top. Not sure how I got there, and not sure which way is better to go.

And I realize that I've been standing there for so long and it's like right now I'm just bored of it. I need to chose a direction to go. I need to find my passion again.

But I just don't know which way will get me there.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

I Am A Millennial. And I Am Not Alone.

I've been sitting on this a long time.

I mean, not physically sitting on it.

Metaphorically sitting.

As most of you who've been around here probably know, a vast majority of my life revolves around the internet.

I am a part of the Millennial Generation, the generation of kids that have grown up to be known as lazy, irresponsible, and who take things for granted.

But for those of us who are a part of this generation, we know differently. When we were kids, we still went outside and played in the street. We still had sleepovers with friends where we put on makeup and talked about boys all night. We went to elementary and probably most of middle school without a cell phone, and once we did have one, it was only to call mom and dad when they forgot to pick you up after rehearsals. When we were in high school, we still knew how to hold a conversation with our peers, and notes were passed not via text, but via pencil and crumbled up piece of paper.

More than anything, though, we were told that we could and would do anything we wanted, so long as we worked hard enough.

And then we went to college and were faced with the harsh reality of living in this generation. Colleges were overcrowded, and we were underfunded. In our youth, we thought we would never have to go to college for more than 4 years, but when we actually got there, we realized that classes over overcrowded and that class that we NEED to take Senior year is only offered Fall semester and it was full before you even had the chance to sign up for classes. And that one bleep meant you couldn't take 2 required classes your last semester because it was a prerequisite and now you've added an extra year and an extra $50,000 to your debt to get a piece of paper.

And then comes the glorious day when you finally do get your diploma. And you have speeches from scholars of a different era, telling you how blessed you are to grow up in the America of today. How we will go far in life with some hard work. The problem is, you just spent the past 4-6 years of college being told from your professors that you will never amount to anything because it doesn't matter that you go to college anymore, it only matters if you get a job that leads immediately into a career. But you brush them off and still have high hopes.

And when you graduate, you realize how truly fucked you are.

Because the generations ahead of you are all still in the workforce. People are working into their 60's and 70's, and refusing to hire anyone without a Masters degree in an irrelevant subject and 17 years of experience for an entry level position. And you were too busy in college to get an unpaid internship because you were on your own, and you needed to pay rent and feed yourself and pay the $200,000 worth of student debt you had accumulated and you sacrificed a social life to do such. You needed the money to survive. But you had been told you could do anything as long as you worked hard enough.

But no one should have to work for free.

Some of us got lucky and entered the workforce. Were lucky enough, perhaps, to have parents who were able to pay for housing, or schooling, or food, and in turn, they were rewarded with an internship and the opportunity to pursue something they actually wanted to do. But then the rest of us were stuck, still struggling to pay rent and put food on the table and anti-depressants and have completely blown off the student debt because you can't afford all four. And you work a dead end job because 4-6 years of college and a degree and 4-6 years of working a paying job mean nothing in this day and age when you're applying for jobs, and the managers of those companies expect you to have the experience of someone twice your age, but to only pay you half your worth.

And so we escape, however we can, trying to be social in this day and age where anything in the world is just a click away. You really can be anything you want to be, even though it's just an avatar on a screen. And then we are called lazy, and stupid, and irresponsible, and worthless, because we truly KNOW we are worth more than what we are appraised as.

We may be lazy, but we work 2 jobs just to have our bank accounts break even at the end of the day.

We may be stupid, but we know more about history, politics, and the people around us because rather than watch one news source on tv, we are surrounded by so many opinions and ideas, and articles from everywhere around the world.

We may be irresponsible, but we still strive for perfection in everything we do, and we still work our asses off in order to get a millimeter ahead in life.

And we may be worthless, but we know what we are truly made up of. More than any other generation before us, we have learned who we are, and what we want in life. And we will not take no for an answer.

And sometimes its hard. And we fall. And most of us go around silently protesting in our heads, knowing we are right. But outside, we try to act normal. Try to push back the fact that this pressure we have had placed on our shoulders has left a terrible scar, the scar of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and many other things. But those things aren't normal in everyday life.

Which is why we flock to the internet. To be seen and to be heard for who we truly are. To realize that maybe, just maybe, we are not alone in this world. But maybe so many people that surround us are experiencing the same issues.

I was with a couple of friends of mine from college a few of weeks ago, and I was amazed at how much we talked. We hadn't seen each other, or spent much quality time together, since we graduated a couple of years ago. But we spent the whole day together and did nothing but talk. Not even about petty subjects, but about the problems in our heart, things we fear in the world, what our true desires are, what we really truly want to be in life, and our crippling anxiety. And as we each talked, the others would listen. Not just listen, but LISTEN, truly listen. And try to place ourselves into the other's shoes, and ask questions until we understood. And for the first time in what seems like forever, I felt truly understood, like what I thought and said mattered.

For the first time in forever, I didn't feel so alone.

I've been watching a lot of YouTube at work lately because it's nice to have something on in the background. When I was younger, I would watch videos about silly things. But the deeper I got into the sphere, the more I realized how much I loved vlogs about people's daily lives. And so often in these videos, these people, who I feel are my friends despite the fact none of them have any idea who I am, they would apologize for their lives being so "boring" and that "nothing was really happening".

But I'm still fascinated by the way that so many humans live their lives all around the world. The internet has really opened my eyes to the world around me, and truly makes me understand the fact that I am not alone in my struggles, but that hundreds, if not thousands, or maybe even millions, of other humans feel exactly like I do, and go through the same things I do.

And in that way, we are not alone.

And part of me has the desire to spread myself through the internet in much the same way.

As you all know, I try and be extremely open about myself and my mental health issues and the goings on of my heart. And I do that because I simply can't be anything except myself, so why would I even want to hide the only thing I am? A large part of me is considering taking these blogs to the next level, and sharing myself, and all the things that I am in video form. Expanding my reach, and maybe helping someone like me in another stretch of the globe. Reminding others that they are not alone.

I've always said that I want to make a difference in the world, even if it is in just one person. And I was taught growing up that I could do anything I set my heart to.

What if this is my chance?

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

dif·fer·ence [ /ˈdif(ə)rəns/ ]

Like most posts, this is probably gonna be a hell of a lot of word vomit.

I just need to get all of this year and thoughts off my chest.

When last we spoke, I had just transferred to a new area and was having a semi emotional crisis. Well, I have now gotten a new job at a new company (however, I still work at Disney on the side for the benefits cuz why the hell not) and am going through a completely different crisis. Without going into too much detail, I work for a mortgage lending company making profiles to help realtors and loan officers look good for their clients.

It's super easy work.

Also meaningless.

Don't get me wrong, because I love getting paid so much for not doing much at all and not really having to work with people at all because we all know how much I hate people. But within my first week of work I started having a mental crisis because I realized what I want to do with my life, which is something I've always known, but I never realized just how truly important it was to me.

I want to make a difference. And I want what I do with my life to matter.

And this doesn't, and it's a weird feeling because I've had some pretty meaningless jobs in my lifetime. And I never really realized how I ever thought Disney would make a difference in the world, until I realized how much it affected me growing up and how much I thrived to be that for everyone I encountered until I stopped doing it every day.

The other day I went to the Museum of Tolerance, which is the Holocaust history museum here in LA. While I was there, they had an Anne Frank exhibit.

When I was very young I read The Diary of Anne Frank, which pretty much inspired me for the rest of my life. There were two very important things I took from her diary.

The first was the belief that people, no matter what, are good at heart. Even if it doesn't seem like it at time, and god is it easy to want to believe otherwise, it really is a belief I hold true at heart. Everyone is good, or at least has a little bit of good in them. It's also been an inspiration for me, to be a little kinder when sometimes all I can try to be is rude. Or try to be understanding when something really upsets me. I just try to put myself in everyone's shoes, and see things from their perspective.

The second belief is that I just want to make a difference, somehow. Anne didn't know what she wanted to be, but she knew she wanted to make a difference to people, even if it was just one person. And that's always stuck with me. Because sometimes we can be insignificant, honestly, but if I can change just ONE person's life, then maybe I'm just a little bit bigger. And maybe my life has a little bit more meaning.

And that's all I really want honestly. Just to make a difference, somehow.

Not many people understand that about me. And often times it probably comes across wrong when I express my dislike for something. And it's not just because I see something as boring, but because I fail to see how these things would make a truly substantial difference to anyone's lives.

But in other news...

I know I say this a lot.

But I think I've actually given up on dating now.

As many of you who actually know me know, I've had a realistically difficult relationship experience the last few years. Just about 2 years ago, I broke up with someone who I thought was my soul mate and had a horrible time coping. And eventually my coping mechanism (AFTER being an alcoholic for a brief period of time), became to try to love again. So I dated. A lot. I think I've dated half a dozen or so men since then. Some good, some not so good.

And I did love (well, something like that I suppose) again, even if it was only briefly. But that relationship really made me wake up and realize that I was capable of love, and showed me what it was like to be in a real relationship, with someone who truly respected me up until the very end. I saw, in a very brief period of time, what a healthy relationship was supposed to be like.

And like most things in my life, it came to an end, but not bitterly. All good thoughts. And so I continued to date, or try to. And it's just gotten increasingly more difficult. I was on Tinder, A LOT. And I figured because I had successfully dated from there before, that I shouldn't have much of an issue with it. But, towards the end, I was getting tired of that way of meeting people. Of the fact that relationships, or something like that, started forming from convenience's sake. And I feel like I rarely got to know the other person on the other side of the screen, and when I did, it wasn't who I expected or wanted it to be.

And so, after one pretty terrible date, and communication with another seemed to waste away and die with no explanation, I decided to call it quits. I deleted the app. I deleted the boys.

And I've decided that maybe I'll just have to do the good-old-fashioned way of getting to know people. Just happening to meet someone, someday, and getting to know them through conversation, and to allow for the growing of feelings. But I'm not focused on that. And honestly, I could care less about finding a man right now.

Rather, I'd prefer to focus on myself.

I want to become the best version of myself for myself. I've started eating healthier, and stopped eating out as much. Drinking more water, and less soda. Trying to spend more time with the people (and dogs) that are precious to me before it's too late. And maybe just trying to make a name for myself.

And maybe, when I do all of this, I'll truly be able to make a difference.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Don't Judge Me (Too Late)

I don't know what's wrong with me lately.


Honestly I've been going through a lot of changes in my life. Just recently I transferred areas at work again, dropping my full time status, and putting myself in a totally new situation where I know less than a handful of people, and I'm doing things I've never had experience with before. With it comes a lot less stability. I've gone from working 40 hours weeks, Monday-Friday every week, to maybe working 4 hours a week, and who knows when those will be because I'm generally fighting 200 other people for those precious few hours. I went from living paycheck to not being able to live until through the day I get paid.

It's killing me for more than that reason. I don't like change as I have realized by making this transition. I don't like not knowing absolutely everything. I don't like not having technical things for me to learn about and master. I enjoy working with my hands and being able to tell you how things work. And right now I can't do that because I don't know how things work.

More than that I feel absolutely judged every single day. My shirt isn't ironed and pressed. My nametag is slightly off center. My shoes have a slight amount of dirt on them that I haven't been able to wipe away in the 30 seconds since it happened. My nail polish that I spent $40 to have done is starting to crack after a week and I need to have it removed, but I spend 40 fucking dollars on it. Feel judged for wearing a slightly larger vest and shirt size than all the other girls and maybe I should stop eating to help me go down a size because none of them ever seem to eat more than half a salad on lunch breaks.

And maybe some (or most) of it is in my head. But the pressure is getting to me after such a short period of time.

But this job I'm in now is something that I've wanted since I was a little kid, when I was 11 years ago and met a VIP Tour Guide in line for Peter Pan. It's something that my parents wanted for me, and something that my mom has talked about nonstop since I started working for Disney. And now that I'm there, and I can't afford to make ends meet, my mom is nowhere to be seen because there's no way she can feasibly afford to help me out anymore. The fighting about money was bad enough when I was working 25-40 hour weeks, but now that I'm working 4 a week, I don't know how badly this is gonna destroy me.

And I could go back. Could go back to the area I was in before, lose my extra $1.50 that came with my transferring. Get my full time back. Go to where I work with the same people every day that I love and that love me. But I can't get myself to do it. I'm too proud. I know I'm too proud. Because when I interviewed for this position and got it, I got nothing but praise, nothing but well wishes, nothing but people saying "you earned this" or "make us proud". And if I went back, I'd be coming back with my head hanging down low. I'd be coming back with my tail between my legs. This girl is coming back, and she's walking real slow. Just like when I went to Indy from Mansion, I could not give up my pride to go back to the place I had made my place with leaving. And now I can't go from my new role back to Indy.

People may not judge me, but I would judge myself. And that could be a worse fate.

As if work and money and family issues weren't enough, I'm also feeling more alone than ever.

Do you ever feel like everyone in your life has someone except for you? Even if they don't actually have someone, they have the potential to have someone. I feel as if I have no potential. After my clean break (mutual for many reasons) break-up a few months ago, I was content being by myself. I had finally had someone who had treated me well and made me feel special. And when that was over, I knew that I deserved to be treated that way and I wasn't going to settle for anything less.

But time has passed, and I see everyone in my life either dating people, getting married, having babies, or at the very least talking to people that they are interested in and probably are interested in them as well (this feels like high school), even my widowed mother has started dating again, and I'm here feeling like I'm nothing. I wake up alone, go to work, and come home with no one to share my experiences with. No one to go see a movie with. No one to hug when I'm feeling upset with life.

And the sad thing is, is that I don't even know what I want. Part of me wants to go back to the past, try and make it work with guys that it hasn't worked out with for various reasons in the past. And then I realize that things that are in the past are in the past for a reason. They're dead and gone, and like zombies, it's never a good idea to bring them back from where they come from. But there's always that voice in my head that says "But we never had a chance... Maybe if we had the right timing things could work out..."

And I can't get that to shut up.

I just want some proof that I'm not going to be alone forever. I'm almost 23, and most people at my age aren't thinking about forever. But I grew up in a town where all my friends are now married or have babies or both. That's the norm there, and I can't turn off that part of my brain even though I moved 500 miles away and haven't lived in that Podunk town in 5 years. Not to mention all my friends out here are generally older than I am, and are indeed thinking about these types of things.

I just want something real. And I don't want to force it happen. But nothing else seems to be working.

This is always something that's on my mind, but with everything in my life going on, it just seems to be getting louder and louder and for some reason I can't get it to quiet down.

Don't judge me.

I just don't know what's wrong with me.