And I say that on so much more than just a surface level.
For so long now, I've felt so utterly bored, searching and scanning for something that makes my heart beat fast and the blood to rush to my head.
For so long, I've been searching for a passion.
I realized the other day, while talking to my mom on the phone, one of the past times that makes me feel extremely old and very young all at the same time, that I haven't felt passion in so so so long.
The last time I distinctly remember feeling a form of passion last for more than a few fleeting minutes or hours was two hears ago, when I was still working as a Trainer at the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland. Training people how things worked, and being able to explain the history to those who visited, and share my passion with them--THAT was what I felt passion for.
Before that, it was probably my first year of college when I was writing for me, writing stories that I wanted to share with the world, the passion I wanted to SHARE.
And honestly that was the longest lasting passion. Writing. For weeks on end I would stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning, typing away at my next great novel, as my brain filled with more and more stories to tell and share. And I was good. I am good. The only difference between then and now is the fact that I seem to have lost my passion.
I don't know where it's gone.
I miss the days where I used to stay up so late with a nonstop thread of ideas, and I couldn't sleep until I had painted them all on the page. I miss the days of bashing my head against the wall because I was so frustrated because I could see point A and point C, but I couldn't figured out how to work B in there. I miss having to run out to the store every week because I constantly was running out of ink and red pens.
Mistake after mistake. Correction after correction. Sleepless night after sleepless night.
I loved it all.
I had never felt so alive.
I miss that.
And I guess what I'm trying to say now is that I'm just so bored of not feeling that passion. I don't know what has changed in that time. Actually, I can't say that exactly truthfully....
A lot has changed in that time. I went to school and got pulled apart by my peers and professors. I was forced to write not what I was passionate about, but about what my professors were passionate about, and my peers were passionate about. But rarely ever what I was passionate about. They didn't want to hear about it, none of them.
And slowly I stopped bothering to do it on my own time. I didn't have the time. And I didn't have the passion. And I didn't have the audience.
And a lot of stuff has happened now. From that, to a pretty bad relationship ending, to working full time... Slowly, and yet quickly at the same time, things started to pile up, started to drown out my passion. And then it was gone.
And here I am, part of me stuck on the bottom of a hole, and the other part of me looking down from the top. Not sure how I got there, and not sure which way is better to go.
And I realize that I've been standing there for so long and it's like right now I'm just bored of it. I need to chose a direction to go. I need to find my passion again.
But I just don't know which way will get me there.