Sunday, January 24, 2016

Don't Judge Me (Too Late)

I don't know what's wrong with me lately.


Honestly I've been going through a lot of changes in my life. Just recently I transferred areas at work again, dropping my full time status, and putting myself in a totally new situation where I know less than a handful of people, and I'm doing things I've never had experience with before. With it comes a lot less stability. I've gone from working 40 hours weeks, Monday-Friday every week, to maybe working 4 hours a week, and who knows when those will be because I'm generally fighting 200 other people for those precious few hours. I went from living paycheck to not being able to live until through the day I get paid.

It's killing me for more than that reason. I don't like change as I have realized by making this transition. I don't like not knowing absolutely everything. I don't like not having technical things for me to learn about and master. I enjoy working with my hands and being able to tell you how things work. And right now I can't do that because I don't know how things work.

More than that I feel absolutely judged every single day. My shirt isn't ironed and pressed. My nametag is slightly off center. My shoes have a slight amount of dirt on them that I haven't been able to wipe away in the 30 seconds since it happened. My nail polish that I spent $40 to have done is starting to crack after a week and I need to have it removed, but I spend 40 fucking dollars on it. Feel judged for wearing a slightly larger vest and shirt size than all the other girls and maybe I should stop eating to help me go down a size because none of them ever seem to eat more than half a salad on lunch breaks.

And maybe some (or most) of it is in my head. But the pressure is getting to me after such a short period of time.

But this job I'm in now is something that I've wanted since I was a little kid, when I was 11 years ago and met a VIP Tour Guide in line for Peter Pan. It's something that my parents wanted for me, and something that my mom has talked about nonstop since I started working for Disney. And now that I'm there, and I can't afford to make ends meet, my mom is nowhere to be seen because there's no way she can feasibly afford to help me out anymore. The fighting about money was bad enough when I was working 25-40 hour weeks, but now that I'm working 4 a week, I don't know how badly this is gonna destroy me.

And I could go back. Could go back to the area I was in before, lose my extra $1.50 that came with my transferring. Get my full time back. Go to where I work with the same people every day that I love and that love me. But I can't get myself to do it. I'm too proud. I know I'm too proud. Because when I interviewed for this position and got it, I got nothing but praise, nothing but well wishes, nothing but people saying "you earned this" or "make us proud". And if I went back, I'd be coming back with my head hanging down low. I'd be coming back with my tail between my legs. This girl is coming back, and she's walking real slow. Just like when I went to Indy from Mansion, I could not give up my pride to go back to the place I had made my place with leaving. And now I can't go from my new role back to Indy.

People may not judge me, but I would judge myself. And that could be a worse fate.

As if work and money and family issues weren't enough, I'm also feeling more alone than ever.

Do you ever feel like everyone in your life has someone except for you? Even if they don't actually have someone, they have the potential to have someone. I feel as if I have no potential. After my clean break (mutual for many reasons) break-up a few months ago, I was content being by myself. I had finally had someone who had treated me well and made me feel special. And when that was over, I knew that I deserved to be treated that way and I wasn't going to settle for anything less.

But time has passed, and I see everyone in my life either dating people, getting married, having babies, or at the very least talking to people that they are interested in and probably are interested in them as well (this feels like high school), even my widowed mother has started dating again, and I'm here feeling like I'm nothing. I wake up alone, go to work, and come home with no one to share my experiences with. No one to go see a movie with. No one to hug when I'm feeling upset with life.

And the sad thing is, is that I don't even know what I want. Part of me wants to go back to the past, try and make it work with guys that it hasn't worked out with for various reasons in the past. And then I realize that things that are in the past are in the past for a reason. They're dead and gone, and like zombies, it's never a good idea to bring them back from where they come from. But there's always that voice in my head that says "But we never had a chance... Maybe if we had the right timing things could work out..."

And I can't get that to shut up.

I just want some proof that I'm not going to be alone forever. I'm almost 23, and most people at my age aren't thinking about forever. But I grew up in a town where all my friends are now married or have babies or both. That's the norm there, and I can't turn off that part of my brain even though I moved 500 miles away and haven't lived in that Podunk town in 5 years. Not to mention all my friends out here are generally older than I am, and are indeed thinking about these types of things.

I just want something real. And I don't want to force it happen. But nothing else seems to be working.

This is always something that's on my mind, but with everything in my life going on, it just seems to be getting louder and louder and for some reason I can't get it to quiet down.

Don't judge me.

I just don't know what's wrong with me.

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