Tuesday, May 31, 2016

dif·fer·ence [ /ˈdif(ə)rəns/ ]

Like most posts, this is probably gonna be a hell of a lot of word vomit.

I just need to get all of this year and thoughts off my chest.

When last we spoke, I had just transferred to a new area and was having a semi emotional crisis. Well, I have now gotten a new job at a new company (however, I still work at Disney on the side for the benefits cuz why the hell not) and am going through a completely different crisis. Without going into too much detail, I work for a mortgage lending company making profiles to help realtors and loan officers look good for their clients.

It's super easy work.

Also meaningless.

Don't get me wrong, because I love getting paid so much for not doing much at all and not really having to work with people at all because we all know how much I hate people. But within my first week of work I started having a mental crisis because I realized what I want to do with my life, which is something I've always known, but I never realized just how truly important it was to me.

I want to make a difference. And I want what I do with my life to matter.

And this doesn't, and it's a weird feeling because I've had some pretty meaningless jobs in my lifetime. And I never really realized how I ever thought Disney would make a difference in the world, until I realized how much it affected me growing up and how much I thrived to be that for everyone I encountered until I stopped doing it every day.

The other day I went to the Museum of Tolerance, which is the Holocaust history museum here in LA. While I was there, they had an Anne Frank exhibit.

When I was very young I read The Diary of Anne Frank, which pretty much inspired me for the rest of my life. There were two very important things I took from her diary.

The first was the belief that people, no matter what, are good at heart. Even if it doesn't seem like it at time, and god is it easy to want to believe otherwise, it really is a belief I hold true at heart. Everyone is good, or at least has a little bit of good in them. It's also been an inspiration for me, to be a little kinder when sometimes all I can try to be is rude. Or try to be understanding when something really upsets me. I just try to put myself in everyone's shoes, and see things from their perspective.

The second belief is that I just want to make a difference, somehow. Anne didn't know what she wanted to be, but she knew she wanted to make a difference to people, even if it was just one person. And that's always stuck with me. Because sometimes we can be insignificant, honestly, but if I can change just ONE person's life, then maybe I'm just a little bit bigger. And maybe my life has a little bit more meaning.

And that's all I really want honestly. Just to make a difference, somehow.

Not many people understand that about me. And often times it probably comes across wrong when I express my dislike for something. And it's not just because I see something as boring, but because I fail to see how these things would make a truly substantial difference to anyone's lives.

But in other news...

I know I say this a lot.

But I think I've actually given up on dating now.

As many of you who actually know me know, I've had a realistically difficult relationship experience the last few years. Just about 2 years ago, I broke up with someone who I thought was my soul mate and had a horrible time coping. And eventually my coping mechanism (AFTER being an alcoholic for a brief period of time), became to try to love again. So I dated. A lot. I think I've dated half a dozen or so men since then. Some good, some not so good.

And I did love (well, something like that I suppose) again, even if it was only briefly. But that relationship really made me wake up and realize that I was capable of love, and showed me what it was like to be in a real relationship, with someone who truly respected me up until the very end. I saw, in a very brief period of time, what a healthy relationship was supposed to be like.

And like most things in my life, it came to an end, but not bitterly. All good thoughts. And so I continued to date, or try to. And it's just gotten increasingly more difficult. I was on Tinder, A LOT. And I figured because I had successfully dated from there before, that I shouldn't have much of an issue with it. But, towards the end, I was getting tired of that way of meeting people. Of the fact that relationships, or something like that, started forming from convenience's sake. And I feel like I rarely got to know the other person on the other side of the screen, and when I did, it wasn't who I expected or wanted it to be.

And so, after one pretty terrible date, and communication with another seemed to waste away and die with no explanation, I decided to call it quits. I deleted the app. I deleted the boys.

And I've decided that maybe I'll just have to do the good-old-fashioned way of getting to know people. Just happening to meet someone, someday, and getting to know them through conversation, and to allow for the growing of feelings. But I'm not focused on that. And honestly, I could care less about finding a man right now.

Rather, I'd prefer to focus on myself.

I want to become the best version of myself for myself. I've started eating healthier, and stopped eating out as much. Drinking more water, and less soda. Trying to spend more time with the people (and dogs) that are precious to me before it's too late. And maybe just trying to make a name for myself.

And maybe, when I do all of this, I'll truly be able to make a difference.

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