Sunday, October 30, 2011

Mental Breakdown and Commitment

Guys, I'm listening to John Mayer.

This is never a good sign.

In the mind of Chelsea...John Mayer=deep, pensive and usually upset.

Here, you can join in.

Remember last post when I was describing my bad mood, etc? Welp, in the last few days...the shit has literally hit the fan. The mental breakdown has officially begun.

Nothing, absolutely nothing is going right.

If I weren't at least somewhat committed to the Creative Writing program at my school then I'd be done, gone. I would transfer schools next year...but where would I go?

I don't belong anywhere, after all.

It's funny because I just realized that the characters of all of my books always feel like they don't belong anywhere they go. In their hearts they know there's a place...but they don't know where that is. I used to believe California was my calling. Now I'm missing home, but that isn't right either. So where is it? I dunno.

So what's got Chelsea's goat?


School (see above), friends (being indecisive and flakey or not calling me back), boys (oy vay), family (miss 'em), writing (belch), reading (I miss it being my recreational sport), people (just in general)... It's all just a jumbled mass of nothingness that's gripped me by the throat and won't let go until it's ripped out my throat.

Too much? Yeah, I'll agree with that.

As I was telling my journal the other night, I just want somebody to give me a big hug and tell me everything is going to be okay (even if it isn't). Someone that I can just lean my head against and feel instantly better. Yeah, THAT kind of someone. But in my current mood and based off of lack-of-experience thus far...I'm beginning to doubt that it will ever happen for me.

"I can't stop loving you, can't stop loving you, with half of my heart."

So why don't we move on to another subject, shall we?

Several of you have been bugging me about writing lately. Well, luckily November starts on Tuesday. For those of you who don't know, November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo for short). The basic premise is to start writing on November 1st and have somewhere around 50,000 words by midnight November 30th. They don't have to be from one story or have a clear, concise idea but it's one hell of a challenge anyway.

Starting at 12:01 AM on Tuesday I'll be starting on it. I've had 2 books with a fairly strong theme that I've been wanting to write since I finished my last book. I'm hoping that I'll be able to commit to it and actually be able to get some good stuff. Hopefully I can fit in the whole 50,000 in around school and work and life. Based off of the last few days, I figure this will be good for me.

I dunno.

I honestly don't know anything anymore.

Chelsea, over and out.

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