Tuesday, March 10, 2015

An Open Letter For You

Dear You,

Here are some things that I want you to know about me.

My name is Chelsea. I am recently 22 years old. Over my lifetime, I have fallen for you a total of seven times.

The first time was in elementary school, and you were the boy who accidentally dyed his hair pink. Every girl had a crush on you.

The next time was at my new junior high. Again, every girl had a crush on you, and I, an obese 12 year old with no sense of style, tried everything to get you to notice me.

A few years later, after having lost 60 pounds and gained a sense of confidence, I fell for you again. We were great friends, and I thought it was going well, until the day you said you wanted to ask my best friend to formal. I was crushed.

It was years before I fell for you again, this time in high school through a computer screen as we were separated by many miles. After having been so hurt in the past, I was desperate for attention. Desperate enough that I let you treat me like shit time and time again, and, worse than that, let you steal my heart for years.

I was a junior in college the next time I fell for you. And yet again, I let my eager heart run away from my senses. I let you steal so much of me, and then you left me like it meant nothing, and like I was nothing. I hardened my heart, making it harder and harder to let people in.

Then you came around again, and for once, it seemed like everything was wonderful. My heart felt light, and you promised to undo all the damage that had been caused in the past. And for the longest time, I believed you, believing that after all this struggle, all this hardship, I had finally met my golden light at the end of the tunnel. But things turned sour, as they always do, and it wasn't long before you were gone, ripping out my heart and turning that space into a black hole.

I vowed never to fall for you again.

I don't remember most of the time between our 6th and 7th encounter. It was a dark time, and most of it had been covered by shadows and demons. It took quite some time, but eventually, somehow, I emerged from the other side, with some duct tape covering the hole.

And then you number seven came along, and it all started so easily. I didn't even have to try with you, you were kind and nice, and I even admitted that I hadn't felt so good in such a long time. I was careful with you this time, trying to not get too attached, trying to seem flippant, wanting to make you be the one to come to me. But somehow that managed to get the better of me. I fell for you, hard, and as soon as I admitted that to myself, you disappeared, despite all we had shared.

I guess that's what I deserve for falling for you again.

See, the thing is, I don't fall very often, but when I do, I fall hard. It's an endless hole, and I'm free falling, holding your hand, until--


--I crash at the bottom, broken and useless, and you're up at the top of the hole, looking down, and then walking away.

I wish there was a way to control it. It's not like I like falling with all that I have. The simple fact is that I tend to be an all or nothing person.

Either I eat all the food I can, or I won't eat for days.

Either I sleep 2 hours, or I sleep 15 hours.

Either I don't watch any of a show, or I binge watch 10 seasons all at once.

Either I'm super excited and pumped, or I'm feeling down.

Either I'm really outgoing and am out every day, or I spend a week binge watching Netflix alone.

Either I fall for no one, or I fall for you with all that I am.

There's no other way to describe it. When I am dating someone, I can't be casual about it. Either we're not anything, or we're everything. When I fall for you, I can't do it halfway, I can't do it slowly.

The thing is, I know exactly who I am, and I know exactly what I want.

And for some reason, I want you.

And I know that I don't need you. I'm an adult and have survived on my own for years on end, and am more than capable of taking care of myself. But, by god, if I don't WANT you. More than anything.

I know that I want it all. I know that I want to feel loved, want to feel protected, want to feel needed, want to feel included, want to feel special. And more than anything, I want to feel like you feel the way about me as I do about you.

I wish there was a better way to say it.

I want you to want me.

I wish I didn't have to keep repeating myself.

I fell for you. And I fell for you hard.

And someday, I hope you fall for me too.

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