Saturday, March 14, 2015
I'm really tired of being seen as a negative person. I think it might be an issue of having perpetual RBF (or as I call it, Resting Asian Face, RAF), but everyone seems to think that I'm negative, or scary, and doesn't want to talk to me.
Now, I'm used to this. It's been a part of me my whole life, and probably the biggest reason I have problems making friends and influencing people. Now, completely honestly, it's mostly my shy personality. As a young child, I didn't socialize much. I think I had a total of 4 friends from Kindergarten till 8th grade, and never that many at the same time. It was hard for me. I spent all that time at recess reading books and writing Harry Potter fan fiction. And then when I went home, I would be alone, both of my parents working the overnight shift, and I would fend for myself with the internet or the endless VHS's and DVD's at my disposal.
In high school, this changed a little bit thanks to being really active in theatre. People mistook my big personality whilst acting for me, and were more open to approaching me. They didn't understand that the real Chelsea was quite shy and internal. And once I quit theatre, I've had this constant problem.
I'm stuck in my own head.
And it takes me a long time to get to know people well enough for me to open up to them and to trust them enough to show my larger personality, my happier side. The side that I am down to the core.
Because of my RAF, no one thinks I'm happy and nice. I get mistaken for rude or harsh all the time. And my sarcastic nature doesn't help this.
And that's just been the way it was my whole life. And I've learned to accept that about myself.
Until this past week.
While training for my new position at work, I really couldn't have been training with someone more different than me. My training partner is one of the most open and nice and friendly people in the world. She's literally the face of Disney, always smiling, always talking to everyone and anyone, and absolutely everyone knows her and loves her. She's awesome.
But it was hard, having worked with some of these people before myself. They would run up to her, smiling and hugging and happy, and look at me confused as to who I was...despite the fact that we had talked and worked several shifts together over the past couple of months. We got quite opposite reactions, and, for some reason, it was really hard to handle.
It's not that I was jealous of her or anything, she's super friendly and deserves all of the attention. But, fuck man, it sure would be nice for people to recognize me, to look past my blank exterior and realize who I am.
I've been in my old department for 3 years, and in that time have made so many amazing friends. So many, that I never really had a problem making new friends because I was already in the great mindset. People got past my RAF, and got to know the real Chelsea.
And I guess the biggest reason why I'm struggling with this change is that I've haven't had to worry about having or making friends in 3 years. Since I started to get know people at work, I was set. It was so easy. And now, I know so few people. And I'm afraid of making friends with them. And I'm afraid that the friends I already had are going to forget about me too.
And then what will I do?
Am I meant to be all alone again?
And how do I change my exterior so that people are more willing to approach me? How do I get people to see the nice person I already am? It just doesn't make sense to me.
I'm told that I have a beautiful smile. And I always say that my smile has to be earned.
But is my smile beautiful because I don't use it all the time so it's rarity makes it that much better? Or do people just genuinely enjoy my smile?
I just don't understand and I wish that I did.
It's frustrating and I'm tired of this following me around my whole life. I've never had good luck with friends, and worse luck with men, and everyone tells me I look sour. But I enjoy my life so much, and I'm really quite a happy and nice person. But everyone assumes or jokes that I'm just a bitch.
And after a while, I begin to believe them.
Maybe I am a sour bitch. Maybe I'm just mean and not funny or anything. Maybe this is why nobody likes me, and why it takes me such a long time and tremendous effort to make friends.
Maybe I'm just not who I thought I was all these years.
How do I change?
How do I become the person who I believe myself to be? How do I show that to the world?
How do I find the confidence to know I will never be alone the rest of my life because someone will always be there with me because they know and love who I am?
How do I portray myself in a way that people will never forget who I am so easily?
I want that.
I need that.