Friday, February 20, 2015

500 Miles Next Door

How do I start this off after almost two months without any communication?

First of all, Happy 2015. Beautiful. There, off to a great start.

In the past two months, life has kind of exploded.

Starting off the new year, brought me into having my wisdom teeth removed. So a week off of work for that. Then exactly one week later, I flew off for a week in Walt Disney World.

That trip was amazing. I honestly had the time of my life with my friends as we explored the other coast. It was my first adult trip and I'm glad to say, other than some mild frustrations, it went swimmingly. I almost did the inevitable and asked Disneyland to transfer me over to Disney World. And maybe I still will in the future. Who knows?!

I came back and it was back to business. And by that I mean, back to every day normal work day in and day out. My roommates went back to school,  and I found myself a hermit again, sitting in my room all day watching Netflix.

And then changes started happening all at once. After a series of truly crappy days at work, I started looking at other jobs, and even looked into moving back to Arizona. I applied for Full Time, not expecting to get it. And then I found it...

 I have always said that the one class that I wanted to take in college while getting my Creative Writing degree was a class about writing for young adults. As most of you who've known me for quite some time have known, I love writing for anyone between the ages of 10-20. Those are my favorite books to read and consequently to write. But instead I was forced to read works by Tolstoy and Kafka and the other "greats" in the writing world. Important, yes, but not my cup of tea. So anyway, on a whim, I decided to look into the Master's Program at the school I wanted to study abroad at in Glasgow. I scrolled and found nothing until, ding, there it was: A Masters in Children's Literature and Literacy. With that degree, I could teach Creative Writing students exactly what I had wanted to learn all those years.

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

 Ever since I found that page I have been dreaming of going to do that program. I am now in the works to get my passport so that I can start applying.

And then the big thing happened. I got offered Full Time at Disney. And that makes me absolutely...confused. If I took the Full Time, I would be sacrificing a lot: My friends, my Mansion, my trainer status, and even the possibility of me becoming a lead. If I didn't take it,  probably wouldn't be able to afford to stay in California. I took a leap and accepted the spot, but now I'm terribly terribly heartbroken to be saying goodbye to all that I love and the place that has literally become my home over the past three years.

That's the thing that I don't think most people realize about me. Everyone keeps saying I made the right choice, I'm doing the right thing, I'll still be able to talk to my friends, and now I get benefits and it's great. But here's the thing: Everyone who has said this, doesn't know what it's like to be without a true home.

It's been almost 4 years since I moved to California, leaving my family 500 miles away. In that 4 years, I've had a hard time connecting to anything. I moved into the dorms, had a shitty roommate who made me hate college, then switched dorms with a great roommate, but now the two of us never talk anymore. I then moved into an apartment with people I didn't know and for the first time, I felt like I belonged. It was a happy house, for some time. But when it came time to move out, all of our plans to stay together changed. And then, for the following year, I bounced around from apartment to apartment, never truly feeling at home at any of them. It's weird to walk into a place where your name is on the lease and feel like you're an invader in someone else's home. And then came this place, and while I've lived here longer than any other place, it still doesn't feel like home to me. It's too big, too empty, as I'm pretty much the only person home. I have little social life because parking is a nightmare so no one wants to come over and I'm afraid to leave because I might have to sleep in my car at CVS if there's no parking. It's hard, and I'm looking to fix it soon. Maybe another temporary tattoo of a fix though.

So within those years, I started working at Disney, and started meeting some of my best friends in the entire world. I've had so many wonderful experiences in my time there, and have knocked out the entirety of my Disney bucket list. It's all from the area that I work in, where I have met all of my best friends, and the people that mean the most to me in the world. Yes, there is drama. Yes, there is heartache. But there's something so nice about going in to work and seeing all of your friends, who are essentially your only family. I spend holidays with them, work overnights with them, go to parties with them, and get through the hard times with them. And I wouldn't change a moment about it.

And now that I'm moving to a different area that's right next door to my old one for Full Time, and I know I will still see them all, I can't help but feeling like I'm moving 500 miles away from my family all over again.

So yes, I know I made the best decision for myself and my financial future...but I'm going to miss my family so much that I wonder if it's even worth it.

Growing up is hard.

I think everyone understands that struggle. I think everyone knows what it feels like to be alone at some point in their life. In that, I know that I am not alone.

But I still can't help but feeling lonely at times.

It's weird, but it feels like I'm home sick. Not the actual home sick where I miss my mom and friends in Arizona, although that is true, but I don't cry wanting to go back. I'm the kind of home sick where I miss the feeling of being wanted.

It's strange. I thought that this feeling would leave with the holidays, but it has lingered on. I want someone in this world to want me, and want to spend every moment of every day with me. And yes, that is impractical, but I still yearn for that feeling of coming home to someone and feeling at home in their arms.

I want a real family. I want a real life. Right now I feel like I am perpetually stuck in the life of a college kid, going to parties, getting drunk, struggling for rent, not looking for love...

But in complete honesty, I feel so alone. People are going to berate me, saying that I don't need someone to make me happy, that I can live my own life without a man, blah blah blah.

Yes, I know I am very capable of that. I've been doing it for years and years. I've been taking care of myself since I was 10. I got my first job at 16. Graduated high school with honors at 17. Went to college 500 miles away at just barely 18. I've been paying my own rent since I was 18 as well, my own phone bill since 17.  I graduated college 2 months into being 21, and have a full time job starting on my 22nd birthday. I am a strong, independent woman and I know exactly what I am capable of.

But I also know what makes me happy. I know that it isn't HAVING someone that makes me happy, it's making someone happy who makes me happy that makes me happiest. I say it all the time to people, but with me, you have to earn my smile. Yes, I smile a lot when I can, but to get a true and genuine Chelsea smile, one where I can feel my heart squeeze and know that yours is doing the same thing too, that takes real work.

I want a home.

I want a family.

I want someone who wants me.I want to be enough for someone. I want someone who thanks the heavens every day that we are in each other's lives. I want someone who won't let me walk away. I want someone who won't walk away. I want someone who won't eventually get bored of me and leave me hanging. I want someone who wants someone like me. And I want someone who wants me to the do the same for them. I wish I had the power to make someone stay, to make someone realize that I am so worth the struggle it might be to be with me and takes it by the horns,

Because honestly, I've never felt like I was enough for anyone, not my friends, not my family, not anyone I've ever dated. Never. In my whole life. I've felt nothing more than worthless.

I want someone who can change that.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

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