Monday, December 22, 2014

Kindred Spirit

It's been quite some time since we've spoken, hasn't it?

Almost three months.

When I last left you, my life was falling apart, everything going wrong. I can't honestly say that things themselves haven't been any different, however, I personally have been doing significantly better.

First things first, I got myself help. I'd been seeing a psychologist for a few months, and nothing seemed to be working so I quit the medication. But after spending a sleepless night wishing my demise, I decided things needed to change. I went onto a new medicine. The change was almost instantaneous.

The hard times still came, but I was able to smile and move past them, rather than having them ruin my day or life.

I still got beat down, but I simply looked life straight in the eye and kept marching forward.

This has been the past three months.

Me, smiling, happy, trying to survive.

Living. For the first time in my life, I feel like I've actually been living the past few months.

I hung out with friends. Went out to parties. Made spontaneous decisions. Enjoyed all that I had and didn't have in life.

Things have been tough, but I've been making a conscious effort to make the best out of everything that happened to me. I no longer see life as a personal attack, but rather a series of events that helps us determine who we are and who we will be.

Chelsea is back. Better than ever. Moving on. Surviving.

Work has been especially rough, and I foresee a lot of changes in the near future for me, hopefully all for the better. The holidays are especially tough for me, especially because Disney requires me to work through them all.

Not that going home would be much better.

As most of you know, my dad passed away in 2011. Ever since then, holidays haven't been the same in my family. That first Thanksgiving was painful, and I couldn't wait to get back to California after the four day weekend. Christmas was even more painful, a pitiful celebration that essentially ended with my entire family crying, hardly any gifts exchanged.

I started working at Disney just a few months after that, a sort of relief because I dreaded future summers and holidays with my family.

My first Christmas without my family was painful. I spent the day alone at home, until my shift started late at night. Both of my roommates at the time were out of town with their families for the holidays, so it was just me in that small, cold apartment. I went to Denny's with a friend for Christmas dinner, because they, too, had no family nearby.

Last year, it seemed like the holidays were going to be wonderful. I had been adopted into the family of my significant other at the time and they brought me into their home, let me celebrate Thanksgiving with them, and let me decorate the Christmas tree with them.

But, honestly, something was off. I was happy because I love Christmas, but there was a hole in my heart that I couldn't place. A feeling of not belonging, feeling like an intruder in someone else's happy life. I didn't know it at the time, but around that time last year is when I found myself slipping back into depression. At the end of the day on Christmas, my adopted family of the time looked at me and said "Aren't you happy? Isn't Christmas wonderful?" And I could only muster up a smile because somewhere 400 miles away, my mother was celebrating by herself, no doubt thinking about our broken family like I was.

The holiday season this year snuck up on me. Christmas is this Thursday, something so remarkably incredible to me, because it seems like October was an hour ago, August was this morning, and June was yesterday. I went "home" to celebrate the holidays with my mom a week ago, kind of. A weekend where I saw her for a total of 10 hours on the last day I was there. It kind of felt like going down a line kissing babies. So mechanical, where I spent my time wishing I was anywhere else.

And then I came home and I was alone. Very alone.

I haven't seen any of my roommates in more than a few weeks, and it seems like I pay a quarter of the rent for an entire house. I spend the majority of my days at work, trying to get as many 12 hour shifts as I possibly can. Then I go home, walk my dog, fall asleep, and do it all over the next day.

Too busy for friends. And my friends are too busy for me.

The question I keep getting is what I want for Christmas. And each time, I answer the same thing: Nothing. And people tell me that that isn't an acceptable answer, so I give some other pithy suggestion. But the truth is, I really don't want anything. At least, nothing that can be provided as a gift.

What do I want for Christmas?

A lot of things.

Peace of mind that I won't be drowning in debt forever.

To be able to remember what exactly my family did together on our last Christmas as a whole, before Stage IV cancer tore us apart.

To have a well behaved dog.

To have someone I can always go to about my problems and won't turn their back on me, talk about me, or say they're too busy.

Someone that makes me feel like I'll never be lonely again.

Now don't get me wrong, I have a lot of wonderful friends that I would kill for and I'm sure they would do the same for me. I know that I am loved unconditionally by many of my friends, and I never have to worry about them leaving me in the dust. But there's a different kind of love that I've been searching for my entire life.

A kindred spirit. Someone who is always there for me. Someone who I can say a word to, and will drop anything to come be with me. Someone to stay up late watching crappy movies on Netflix with. Someone who just gets me, and would kill for me. Someone who would do anything in their power to keep me in their lives.

I want to never be alone on Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, or my birthday ever again.

I want someone excited to see me, and who wants to hear about my boring day.

Someone who can hold me on my bad days. Someone who will get in the car and drive with me, when all I feel like doing is running away from life. And eventually we will turn back and go home because that feeling will pass, and we'll both feel more alive than we ever have been.

I want a kindred spirit. Not a soul mate. Not a lover. Not a boyfriend. Not an anything.

Just someone for me.

That's what I want this Christmas.

1 comment:

  1. So, I have a feeling that it'll be a while before you read this. If you're anything like me, your old blog is something of an old comfort. I rarely touch mine anymore, and by the looks of it, it seems that yours doesn't get as much attention as it used to either.

    And that's alright, as I'm sure you've come to realize as well.

    To be honest, I don't even remember exactly how I found your blog. I guess I started following it quite a while back and just stuck around reading it from time to time. I remember when your dad passed away, and though I didn't say anything at the time, I wanted you to know that someone out there was keeping you in their thoughts.

    And now, here I am, 4 years later, checking out my old blog and seeing that you still tend to post every now and then as well. I'm glad to read that your life is on the up. You seem like the kind of person that deserves to have good things happen to them in life.

    At this point, I don't even remember exactly why I started to comment in the first place. I guess I just wanted to let you know that as long as you keep writing, someone will keep reading, even if it's just me (whenever it is I get around to my own blog of course!). Keep it up. :)