Tuesday, April 14, 2015


I've always said that all I ever wanted was to be good enough for someone.

Every single man I have ever had a romantic relationship has always left me for something better.

The first boy I ever went on a date with told me he liked my best friend.

The first boy I ever dated left me a week in for another girl.

The next one said he didn't want to wait, and got engaged to the next girl he met.

After that, I said I had strong feelings and 2 weeks later he was in a relationship with someone else.

Next came the relationship where I thought everything would change. He cheated on me once, tried several more times. Once a cheater, always a cheater so I have learned.

After that it was fun, but he stopped so that he could be with another girl who's came up at an opportune moment.

And finally, things were going really good. But apparently I wasn't enough to keep around with the stress of life.

My whole life, I've never felt like I've been good enough for anyone. For my friends, for my family, and for the men I've been with. And I've tried so hard. People think that my rough exterior, RBF, and salty humor means that I'm an angry and mean soul. But in all honesty, I'm trying to keep myself from getting hurt, again.

Because inevitably as soon as I start opening myself up to someone, show them who I am, give them a glimpse into my heart, they're gone by the time the sun comes up.

I know I've mentioned this a million times on here...but what's wrong with me?

What is it about me that makes me so hard to want to love?

All I want in this world is to love. I'm looking for that missing piece to that puzzle. And, as a good friend put it, "I'm so desperate to love that I try to make everything fit into that piece, no matter it's size."

What's so wrong with that?

What's wrong with me?

I'm not looking for much. Someone to laugh with me.

Someone to hold me when all I need is human touch.

Someone who will drink whisky and watch crappy movies with me.

Someone who will sit and actually listen to me when I talk.

Someone who wants me and only me with every fiber of their being.

Someone who understands that I might be difficult at times, but I will do everything in my soul to make up for that.

What's so wrong with that?

When will I be good enough for someone? More than that, when will I just be ENOUGH for someone, and don't leave them wanting more?

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Have the Courage to Be Kind

The last few weeks have been...tough...to say the very least.

And I really don't know why.

But everything just seems...different.

I've been having a hard time when it comes to friends in my life, as you all very well know. I try to keep people on my good side, and keep myself on the good side of people, and when things go awry, I either am left confused as to what has happened...or I became angry enough to actually never want them in my life.

It takes a lot for me to get to that point.

So eager am I for friends and support and to not make enemies, that I constantly let people be rude and abuse me and call me terrible things, but still have them on my Facebook friends list. I will still talk to people who couldn't give two shits about me when it cones down to it. What's worse is I consider myself to be friends with people, who constantly surround themselves with people to talk poorly about me, and then said friend will protect them over me.

And I wish I could say that all of these incidents are about one person.

I wish I could, but this has been the story of all my friendships over my lifetime.

And this just endlessly frustrates me and lately, I'm not taking it anymore.

I'm tired of bullshit. I'm tired of people telling me that they're my friends, and then treating me like a piece of shit, calling me terrible things when I'm not around. I'm tired of people saying that I've been a crappy friend, when all I have tried to do is be kind and honest to them, in order to later spare them. I'm tired of having men say that they want me and need me, only to have them stop talking to me the moment something better comes along. I'm tired people lying to my face. I'm tired of having friends' friends call me names and terrible things, and my friends won't believe me when I try to tell them.

More than anything I'm tired of feeling like I'm not worth anyone's time. Tired of me believing that when people call me a piece of shit, that I start actually feeling like it.

And I'm tired of feeling desperate for being like this.

A few days ago, I went to dinner with someone I've been friends with since we pretty much both started at Disney 3 years ago. The two of us used to be really close, but this was the first time in over a year, almost two, that we actually hung out outside of work. And during this dinner, I realized that I haven't necessarily been the best of friends ever either.

I've hurt people.

I've screwed good people over for personal gain.

I've left people in terrible situations and have never looked back.

I've chosen relationships, or even simple hook ups, over my own friends.

I've bailed on plans by lying and saying that I was busy, but really didn't feel like seeing them.

And I regret every single one of those things that I have done. But it's part of human nature to do some of these things.

But never have I ever in my entire life pretended to be someone's friend when I honestly wasn't. I have never lied to someone's face when they confront me with an issue. I have never tried to turn friends against one another. And I have never shit talked another person that my friend is close to, and if one of my friends ever does, I call them out on it immediately. I never tell my friends that they are liars, and I do my best to tell them the honest truth, even if it hurts.

And I don't understand why that's such a hard concept to understand.

They say your twenties are when you really begin to see who your real friends are. But more than that, I think that your 20's are where you are supposed to learn how to be a real friend through the example of those around you.

When I was younger, I may have done all those bad things to friends, but now that I am older, I could never dream of hurting another human being in the most innocent way possible. I will never take anyone's friendship for granted. I understand that you might not be everyone's best friend, but that doesn't have to mean that you're everyone else's enemy.

Be kind to one another.

And trust people when you know that they care for you. And care for people when you know that they trust you.

And maybe this crappy world will be a little nicer.