Running Away from Dreams

Do you ever have those moments when you realize something and all you can think is "Oh, shit"?

Have you ever realized that you've fallen for someone?

But falling for this person is probably the most stupid thing you've ever done.

Not to mention it's completely futile.

I had that "oh shit" moment yesterday when I woke up in the middle of the night.

A lot has happened to me in the past week in the form of relationships. When I went out with friends, I met a really nice guy. Another asked for my phone number and then a date. I was asked to the movies by yet another. And I had a dream.

I don't usually dream. But when I do it's quite vivid.

Oh get your mind out of the gutter! It's nothing like that. Geesh.

What I mean is that this dream made me realize my feelings for a certain individual with whom a relationship would be absolutely futile. Not to mention impossible. No more details are needed.

All of this in a week.

Why is it that I've never been given so much as a second look my entire life and now when I'm just about to move on with my life...everyone decides to take a look?

Unattainable?

Perhaps. But all of this, and a look back at past experience, have also made me realize something else. And this time it's frightening.

I'm afraid of commitment.

My entire life, I've known that I was meant for bigger and better things than what could be supplied by my hometown. Heck, even my home state can't contain me. And as such, I've also had this sort of...air. I don't know what you would call it.

Illusions of grandeur?

I walk around with my nose held high, never bothering to glance around, but concentrating on the goal ahead. I have a bit of an attitude, I know that. That's just who I am--take me or leave me.

I mentioned all of the things that have happened at home in the past week at home with numbers and movies. But what I haven't mentioned is the fact that I'm running from all of it. As if my life depended on it. I don't want to risk the chance of getting attatched and having to move on with my life anyway.

And so I run.

--Kristen