Saturday, June 25, 2011

Hey There, Nice to Meet Me

You all know I like to talk a lot.

Over the past 31 posts on here, I've done nothing but rant about problems, ideas, and inspiration. Anything that happens in my life, somehow finds its way onto this blog.

I'd go so far as to say that y'all probably think me to know just about everything about myself. Quirky, confident, yes.

When I was writing my last book, I wasn't intending on there being some all over good-for-you theme. My ultimate was basically for the main girl to help save the world by remembering things from her past.

Then the unexpected happened.

As I was finishing it, I realized that this girl had had multiple personas. Over a period of seven years, she had been viewed and made out to be about three entirely different people.

But when the end came, and she had to save the world, she needed to decide who she was--not what everyone else thought she was.

The other day, I was talking with my dad and he said something that he expected me to agree with him about, even though I felt totally different. And then I got to thinking...

(I know I've said something like this before...)

My parents see me as an obedient daughter who can do no wrong...

My friends view me as the crazy girl who will listen to them and is always up for a good time...

Stated above, you guys probably think me confident and quirky...

All these different people see me as someone different. Whenever I'm with them, I've learned to be that person that they think I am.

But I realized that I don't really know who I am.


Underneath what all of these people see in me, who am I? What're my beliefs and ideas? What do I like to do when nobody is watching?

In less than 2 months I will be moving away from my parents, my friends, my work...everyone that I know.

Although surrounded by new things, new people...I will ultimately be alone and able to cast away the things that have held me down over my lifetime.

I'll be able to discover who I truly am.

Who knows...maybe I'll even save the world?

Monday, June 20, 2011

You and Me, We're Meant to Be

Hey guys.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Let me explain what my life has been like lately: wake up, work, home, sleep, wake up, run, work, home, sleep, wake up, work, sleep, work, sleep, run, work, sleep, work, work, work.

Needless to say, I'm exhausted. Working 34 hours a week, when you're so used to working no more than 20 is tough stuff.

So what else have I been up to?

Well, first and foremost, I signed up for my first half marathon. January 29th at Disneyland. 5:30 AM. I'm totally excited and hopefully I can train up enough in time.

Also, I completely went through and edited my latest book. After I'm done with this, I'm going to put it into the computer and get ready to send it off to some agents. :) Also, it's pretty much the first time that I read through that book in completion: I love it.

I started a new book. So far, the prologue (a staple in my writing) is all I have done but it's all planned out in my head. I'm so excited to delve into it some more.

And lastly, I've been able to read some more books. Most recently, I've inhaled Newes from the Dead, the Hunger Games trilogy, and the Fallen series.

Newes from the Dead was OK. Nothing SPECTACULAR but a cute little stand-alone book. Great historical story.

Hunger Games....OMG. AMAZING. It's probably my 3rd favorite series, ever. Which is saying something considering the amount of books I've consumed over a lifetime. Basically, it's about a bunch of kids who are thrown into an arena to kill each other. Trust me. It's awesome.

Fallen & Torment (Fallen series) One word: meh. Like, okay, it's got a sort of interesting plot line. Fallen angels and reincarnation. Cool right? Yeah! Until you factor in the "romance" that's supposed to drive the plot forward. They're destined to be together. That part makes sense. But...they have no chemistry. None. She's just attracted to him and apparently has been for the last several thousand years.

I don't feel it!!!!!

I always enjoy reading so much because I can learn the different elements in stories that I like, that work. And then I can use those very same elements in my own writing.

Remember our woman power discussion? Well that still reigns true.

But this time I need to talk romance with y'all. I mean, any book or movie or play is only about two things at the core: death or sex. Nothing else.

(Most) humans crave a romance in a story. It drives everything forward, makes everything worth fighting for. And what can make this better if it is destined to be.

Come on, we all love fate.

What reading this series has taught me is that romance HAS to be totally believable. Legit. I think some authors have a problem with this because, in their minds, the destined romance seems totally real because they know everything about it.  But they sort of forget to share it with the rest of us.

Romances can be destined.

Philosophers can debated this for centuries. I believe that there are things I am destined to do with my life. There are places that I will have no choice but to go to, whether by plan or by chance. People in this world who I'm supposed to meet and be friends or enemies with. I believe that there is one person, somewhere in this world, that I am ultimately destined to be with. I'm not alone in this belief.

So this is my next goal.

For this next book, I'm going to destiny, fate. My main character will have everything that she loves ripped from her, in order that she should discover the person she is meant to be. Discover her fate everything on her own.

Sort of how I'm planning on discovering my own.

Funny how all of this comes from reading a simple book, huh?

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Operation Status Update

There's a long running joke between my friends and I...


Who am I to jump right into the fray of new ideas after that last posting? If you recall, dear reader, my mind seemed to be racing in just about every direction about running away from dreams of relationships blah blah blah.

At that point, I bet you all were about ready to slam the off button on your computer in frustration.

You want a hashtag that perfectly explains my last post? #teenagegirlproblems

I'm getting over it. Also, dear reader, if you will notice that post was time stamped from some time after 10PM. You will quickly come to realize that my mind is not a reliable source after, oh 9PM.

Right now, it's 8:51. So we better hurry up.

Anywhom, my last post did try to prove a myself. It was a "self-discovery" piece, if you will. Coming to the realization that all of these things are happening. Things you've wished for all your life. And yet I run from them.

Here's the thing. I'm fine right now. With all of it. For the first time in years, I'm finally starting to enjoy life again. I mean, I still have my own set of problems but I'm beginning to accept myself for who I am for the first time.

It's a liberating feeling.

So, let's jump back into that fray, shall we?

There's a long running joke between my friends and I that although I try my hardest to keep myself anonymous (no real name, changing my writings just enough to count, using broad references, etc) a vast majority of you know me. I post this blog on my Facebook and Twitter. That's where most of you come from. You know me.

However, I would like to report that in the last week, my blog has reached yet another continent.

Hello South America!

If you want a count right now, my blog has gone to: the US, Canada, Malaysia, France, Germany, Switzerland, the UK, Brazil, Belarus, and Iraq. Let me know if you have not been counted!

Thank you all for joining me.

And as for remaining anonymous, I do have some more news.

No, I won't reveal my true name tonight. Tonight.

However, when I last wrote on this subject, I did say that my book was done being edited by A. I got it back on Wednesday and oh gosh did I realize how giant it was.

320 pages, dear reader. That's the size of the first two Harry Potter novels combined (ish).

I am currently working on going through and reading A's edits whilst also adding many more of my own. See, I've never really edited it myself (cuz who wants to print off 300+ pages more than they have to?). It's gonna take a while, but it will be finished as soon as I possibly can.

Do you know what that means next?

Agents, dear reader. There is one agent in particular that I will be harrassing as much as I can because I believe we're the perfect fit. And after agents, comes publishers. Comes you purchasing my book at your local bookstore (or e-reader, but those are lame). Comes me having to tell you my real name and the title of my book so that I can push book sales and pay my way through college.

Well, sort of.

Anyway, that's the current status update on that topic.

Speaking of status updates....

Listen to this:

This song is currently on "repeat" on my iPod. Actually, it has been for about an hour and a half. I've become obsessed with it lately.

Listen to the lyrics:

"I think I'm ready to leap,
I'm ready to leave
I'm ready to go"

Right now, this is almost my perfect description. I know I'm commenting on how much I have to look forward to in the next few months: Quitting my job, my sister coming home, going to my new dream school, publishing my life. I'm ready for all of it right now. However, the next set also explains me right now:

"Get me out of my mind,
get me out of my mind."

I know, how does that make sense at all? Well, I've also said how lately I've been losing friends. In the midst of life and moving forward...they've disappeared. I don't believe that I've felt quite as lonely before as I do now.

With a few exceptions, it seems as if no one will communicate with me.

No one wants to hang out.

Texting is non-existant.

All I do lately (when I'm not at work) is sit at home doing playing Spider Solitare or Mahjong Tiles. And doing a whole hell of a lot of social networking.

My mind, lately, is a series of status updates. Something. Anything. Perhaps if this is interesting enough, they'll talk to me. I'll feel like I belong.

Is it wrong to say I want attention? Cuz at this point, I feel like I'm in a deep pit looking up towards the light where the party is. I miss the days when I was in high school or when I volunteered that I was able to make plans and be with my friends at any given moment of the day. My phone was constantly "blowing up". I felt like I was a part of something.

Status update: Table for one?

Is anyone there?

Whilst I did say that I was beginning to accept myself for who I am and that I can move on from certain challenges and harships that I've faced in recent years...this is something I don't know if I can do it.

You more than likely followed me from some social networking site.

I'm not trying to get you to pity me. Hell, you don't have to talk to me if you really don't want to.

But it would be nice.


Friday, June 3, 2011

Running Away from Dreams

Do you ever have those moments when you realize something and all you can think is "Oh, shit"?

Have you ever realized that you've fallen for someone?

But falling for this person is probably the most stupid thing you've ever done.

Not to mention it's completely futile.

I had that "oh shit" moment yesterday when I woke up in the middle of the night.

A lot has happened to me in the past week in the form of relationships. When I went out with friends, I met a really nice guy. Another asked for my phone number and then a date. I was asked to the movies by yet another. And I had a dream.

I don't usually dream. But when I do it's quite vivid.

Oh get your mind out of the gutter! It's nothing like that. Geesh.

What I mean is that this dream made me realize my feelings for a certain individual with whom a relationship would be absolutely futile. Not to mention impossible. No more details are needed.

All of this in a week.

Why is it that I've never been given so much as a second look my entire life and now when I'm just about to move on with my life...everyone decides to take a look?


Perhaps. But all of this, and a look back at past experience, have also made me realize something else. And this time it's frightening.

I'm afraid of commitment.

My entire life, I've known that I was meant for bigger and better things than what could be supplied by my hometown. Heck, even my home state can't contain me. And as such, I've also had this sort of...air. I don't know what you would call it.

Illusions of grandeur?

I walk around with my nose held high, never bothering to glance around, but concentrating on the goal ahead. I have a bit of an attitude, I know that. That's just who I am--take me or leave me.

I mentioned all of the things that have happened at home in the past week at home with numbers and movies. But what I haven't mentioned is the fact that I'm running from all of it. As if my life depended on it. I don't want to risk the chance of getting attatched and having to move on with my life anyway.

And so I run.