Wednesday, May 28, 2014

If You Can't Beat It

Here's the thing:

I've always thought that I was stronger than my depression.

But lately I'm not too sure I am.

 It's been obvious that I've been suffering since somewhere in 2007, with a diagnosis still on it's way. Whenever it called, I would kick it's ass and try to make the best of life.

But lately, I'm having a hard time doing anything: Sleeping, being awake, getting out of bed, smiling, going to work, attempting anything more than 50% when all I want is to give my all.

And it sucks. Because I want to be stronger than depression.

But it's not that easy. People tell you, "smile, everything will be ok if you try". And I try and I try and I try, but it doesn't work. When you're completely miserable, inside and out, it's hard to fake a smile. Most people in my life, however, wouldn't know that I suffer from depression. They write it off as my quirky attitude and keep on going.

And that sucks.

Because more than anything, what I want is a hug. Not a "oh I hope you feel better" hug. I want a hug that says "I will never let you go, not until we beat this thing".

People say you don't need anyone else but yourself. But when you're like me, you can't rely on yourself to be the only positive influence in your life, because it simply won't happen. When you're like me, you thrive off of the people around you. I thrive off of touch, and off of understanding, and off of feeling.

The best feeling in the world to me is the feeling of being loved, despite my flaws.

I don't have that right now. That hurts. I want to be loved.

There's a lot of things that get me down lately.

I just graduated and all my friends are doing these great things with their lives and I'm still working at a job, not a career, and I'm going nowhere fast. It's almost impossible to make rent let alone eat most months and that's simply embarrassing. I stay for the people but the people are changing.

I just don't know what I want to do with my life, except for get married and have kids. That's what I really want to do, but that doesn't seem to be an option anymore because I don't want to fall in love again.

Other than that I don't feel connected with the people around me. I've debated more than once just uprooting myself and moving back home where I was miserable just as much as I was here, except out there I have my mom who I hardly get along with and absolutely no career prospects.

I just want to do great things with my life. I want to make a difference in someone's life like the people that came before me. People who may not have a made a difference in the world as a whole, but changed individual people. My dad was so good at that, but he's been gone for 3 years now and I have nowhere to turn, because my mom can't talk about him without crying and my brother didn't realize how great of a man he was until after he was gone.

I want to feel proud of myself. I graduated with a Bachelor of Fine Arts from a private university. Nothing like this has ever been done in the history of my entire family, except for me. I am the first person to graduate with a degree from a university in the thousands of years my family, and extended family stretches back. And yet I don't feel a sense of pride at all. Graduation felt rushed, and not worthwhile.

What's the point of accomplishing great things when you don't have anyone to share it with?

I keep dealing with this issue. Because nothing seems worth it anymore.

And maybe that's the loneliness and depression talking. Actually, I know that it is. But I don't know what to do about it.

There's so many things I would do if I had the chance, if I could do anything. I'd bring the people that mean the most to be back into my life, we'd discuss our issues, and try to move forward with something that works for both of us. Because right now I feel like I'm the only one suffering and I know that that's terribly selfish of me, but I'm not succeeding in anything at this point.

I know what I want in life, but everyone is telling me that it's the wrong thing and so I have to change my ideals. I know that I want to grow up and get married to the love of my life and to have kids and I'll be happy doing anything at all as long as I had them. But people tell me that that's wrong, and that I am a grown, educated woman and I went to school for a BFA and not an MRS. And so suddenly I have to become something that I'm not. But I really mean it when I say that if I had the right people in my life, nothing else would matter.

Nothing else mattered.

I want to feel alive again.

I want to feel the sun on my face, the warmth hitting by body, the wind in my hair, and to raise my head high to the sky, smile, and feel life rushing through my veins. I want to feel nervous excitement again. I want to feel giddy when I talk about life and how exciting it is.

Depression is terrible. Unless you've suffered from it, you'll never understand. And if you can't beat it, it will drag you under.

And I just need someone in my life. I just need someone to hold me until it is better. Because that's the only way that nothing else will matter again.

1 comment:

  1. I admittedly don't know depression (or much about anything, really), so I'll focus on the part of your post I can relate to, namely the BFA/MRS part.

    You are a grown, educated woman and you have every right to focus your future on the family you want to have. Just because you have a college degree doesn't mean you have to put your career first. This is rather interesting to me, since I don't think I want to have kids or get married, possibly ever. People often tell me that it's wrong and un-womanly of me not to have/want children. (I promise I'm going somewhere with this and not just talking about myself.) So in a way, we hold opposites views, but neither of us satisfies whatever our social circles deem desirable.

    Today, the loudest voices of the feminist movement are concerned with balancing career and motherhood. But to me, if modern feminism is about anything worthwhile, it's about you being the only one to determine what's good and desirable for you–and if that's having a family, go for it! If what you want out of life is a family you should pursue that. Your college education and professional experience will never be wasted. They're valuable because they help form you as a person, and I believe that has value in and of itself. Even if you were to be a stay-at-home mom and maybe homeschool your kids, this education would have immense influence on how you do that, on the children you raise. (Knowing you, I don't think you were necessarily talking about leaving work all together, but I wanted to point that out.) So go out there and follow your dream, live the life you wanna live. (Ok, I know that sounds so easy. It's not. Not even for us selfish careerist folk.