Sunday, June 15, 2014

Emergency Contact: [Blank]

I don't really know where I want to go with this.

The last two weeks have literally been some of the worst two weeks of my life.

Do you ever get the feeling that everything would be better that if just one thing worked out, then everything else would fall into place and seem to suck less (or that you're at least in a better position to take it more positively)? That's where I'm at right now. 

Or how about the feeling that if you were able to just have a hug, a cuddle, and a long cry, you would feel a million times better? That's also where I'm at right now. All I want is to cry. And cry. And cry.

And I guess I have been. Especially the last two days, I have been crying nonstop. When I wake up, as I get ready, during my drive, on my breaks, when I get home, as I lay in the bathtub wanting to drown, and as I go to sleep. That's all I've been able to do.

And I hate that too.

I didn't used to be a sad person. Yes, I've suffered from depression for 7 years, but I haven't been sad. I haven't often thought that giving up on life would be the better alternative. I haven't felt so lost.

I've accomplished so many great things lately. I graduated college. Became a trainer at work. Moved. All wonderful things, and yet they seem to mean nothing to me. And I don't get why. I want them to mean something to them, but when I think of my accomplishments, I think of them as just another action that I'm not able to feel.

I can't feel any of these things no matter how hard I try. They seem to mean nothing to me. All I keep thinking is that I don't have anyone to share these accomplishments with. And what's the point of accomplishing great things if you can't go home and celebrate with people who matter. If you don't have someone to go home and cry to? I was in a car crash the other day and it hit me that I didn't have anyone to help me. What if I had gone to the hospital? No one would have known.

Emergency Contact: [Blank]

Most days lately, I contemplate just moving back home. Giving up on my life here, and moving back home with my mom, the only person in the world I have. But then I scoff at that because I would be miserable at home. I hate home, more than I hate life itself.

I've sacrificed so much over my life time to make it where I am now, and even if it feels like it doesn't matter, I'm not about to just let it go and run home.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

I don't understand that. I am a good person. I've sacrificed so much. I've worked so hard. And yet nothing I work towards seems to work out in my favor. I am always hurt. I am always laughed at. I am always left feeling empty. 

I want to give up.

I just want the pain to stop.

My body has been nonstop killing me the last two weeks. I've had multiple 100* degree fevers, have passed out twice, have thrown up multiple times, suffered three migraines, have literally shit everything in my system out at once, and my spine is committing suicide as we speak. I know I should go to the doctor about this all, but I am too scared, particularly because I have found a lump that I need examined. I don't want to find out the worst. I don't want to know the end is near.

Emergency Contact: [Blank]

Mentality is everything. I'm 100% convinced that cancer only hurts after you find out you have it. Cancer only kills when it's diagnosed and you try to get rid of it. My dad wasn't sick until he found out he had an invader in his lungs. By the end of the summer he was gone.

These are the things I think about on Father's Day at the end of 2 terrible weeks in this life. 
I don't want to die. But living is hard. I don't want to leave behind friends and family, but I wish I had them to enjoy while I'm here.

Emergency Contact: [Blank]

I wish people would stop asking me what I want to do with my life now that I've graduated. Half of the truth is that I don't know. I'm 21 and I'm still young and I have no idea how to take care of myself and make sure I eat breakfast, let alone try and figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. It's too hard and I can't do it. I have nothing to feel passionate about anymore.

The other half of the truth is that I had a plan. I knew what I was going to do and it was going to make me the happiest person alive. I was going to get married and have kids. That is what would make me happiest. But that's not acceptable from a young woman who earned her BFA in a very short time. It's not like that was all I had planned, but the difference is that nothing else would have mattered as much so long as I had someone in my life to share it with. That was all I cared about. I could've been a writer, or a lawyer, or a librarian or a teacher, or a manager at Disneyland and been perfectly happy, so long as I had someone to love me and stay by my side.

I wish none of this mattered. 

I wish it were easy for me to put a smile on my face, and go on with my day as if nothing else mattered.

But it isn't easy. Nothing good in life comes easy. I know full well that even if that one thing in life did go well all of a sudden, it still wouldn't fix everything else that's wrong with me.

But it certainly would help. 

A hug is all I need. A hug, a cuddle, and a good cry might not fix my problems, but it sure as well would help me feel better.

All I want is someone to fill in that blank beside Emergency Contact and remind me that I am not alone.

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