I'm going to be completely upfront and honest with you all right now.
My heart hurts. My heart hurts like it did when I was 15 years old and pining after a boy who was in love with my best friend.
Except this time there is no boy.
And I'm beginning to realize that maybe there never was.
The past few years have been a weird revelation for me when it comes to love. At any given time, there has always been someone that I have been pining after. And, right now, with my last attempt at making something happen, I've pretty much just given up. I'm so incredibly tired of meeting someone, becoming connected to them in the closest way possible, and then having them cut me out of their life as if nothing mattered.
I'm over it.
I'm tired of being hurt by guys who coerce me to talk to them, to tell them everything, who tell me everything, hang out with them, talk to them constantly for days on end, having them tell me that they have feelings for me like they haven't had in a long time...only to have them stop talking to be without a reason why.
And I've said it several times before, and have always given in, but I'm going to say it again: I'm giving up on finding love.
Now this isn't because I'm "heartbroken and don't think there's anyone worthy in this world" or anything like that.
No. Rather this is more of a "I need to spend time focusing on other things--being in a relationship should no longer be my priority in life".
I've had so many amazing opportunities recently. From working LA's Anime Expo, to finding a true passion for what I want to do as a job. There's a chance that I might achieve that goal soon, with just a little work. I'm simply trying to focus on making myself happier for me. Because I'm miserable at my job right now, and I need to get out. New job would so definitely help with that. There's a step.
I'm also in the process of training Thor to be a full fledged service animal. My anxiety has gotten unbearable when I'm not around him, to the point where it's hard for me to go to the store without him. Having something like this would be helpful. Another step to personal happiness.
The hardest part about "giving up on love" is the fact that I can't help but feel like I'm missing out on something right now. Most of my close friends are in healthy relationships, thriving, planning marriages, having babies. And I'm sitting here, struggling to meet someone who wants to talk to me for more than a couple weeks. However, I know it's the right thing to do. The last time I had a romantic confrontation with someone, it ended with me just not feeling anything at all.
I'd rather hold out for someone that makes me feel everything, that I make feel everything, than someone who's as platonic as it gets.