Friday, June 19, 2015

Angry Calm

I'm pissed.

For so long I've been so good at controlling myself and my temper. Been so good at controlling my emotions.

This time last year I was irrational, crazy for a love that didn't last and so utterly lost within my own personal black hole.

There were times where I didn't think I was going to make it through the night. I thought that I would fall asleep and never wake up. And often times, I didn't sleep at all, laying in bed awake all night, mind racing and heart pounding.

And slowly, but surely, I got it under control.

Yes, medication helped. A lot. Also helped was my drive to change my mindset. I wanted to become a more positive person. Someone who had something to live for. Someone who put herself out there. Someone who wasn't terrified of life itself.

And it happened. I became happier. When problems arose, instead of wondering what was so terribly wrong with me and why was the world against me, I became calm. I became better at understanding that sometimes life just happens, and there's nothing I can do to control it. And when my friends were in crisis, I became the calm voice to talk them through the situation. I cared for myself, and I cared for everyone.

And I was calm.

And I was happy.

And I began to branch out from my shy personality. Began to talk to more people. Began to be somewhat spontaneous. Began to be nicer to everyone I encountered.

And I can see how much my life has changed.

I know that there are some things in life that just happen, and it doesn't make them right, but I completely understand that there is absolutely nothing I can do to control them.

And that's all right.

And I was calm.

But then today I snapped.

I'm tired of having people screw me over and taking the high road.

I'm tired of people lying to me and I forgive them in my mind.

I'm tired of people calling me shitty things and trying to do the right thing, only to get brought down again and maintaining a positive attitude.

And more than anything I'm tired of people forcing themselves to be a wonderful, detrimental part of your life, pretending as if they care about you, and then disappearing off of the face of the earth without a word. And I'm tired of sighing heavily and moving on.

For the first time in quite some time I am pissed.

I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle people either lying to me or pretending that they care about me, doing it to get something from me or to get close to me, and then up and deciding that they don't want to be a part of my life anymore, knowing I'm attached. It keeps happening to me, and it makes me want to regress, makes me want to blame myself, makes me want to close up my heart again, and makes me want to undo all of my hard work over this past work.

I'm pissed.

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