The Burden

My brain won't let me type the words I have to say. It's really frustrating because the entire time I was on my way home, I knew precisely the right way to lay it out. But now that I'm here staring at the page, everything goes blank.

I guess the gist of what I'm trying to say is that there's two sides of depression-- the during and the after. When you're in the midst of the depression, you feel like you need to bottle it all in. You feel like you can't talk to anyone about it because you don't want to bother them. You feel like you're in it alone, because you are a burden to everyone. 

You know somewhere in the back of your brain that that's not true.

But the rest of your brain is full of black clouds, full of bars on windows that won't let you see that rational place at the back of your brain. 

It's a war zone and you're lucky you're alive in the first place.

But then there's the part of the "after" depression, cuz, you know, depression is like being an alcoholic, you'll always be one no matter the length of time that passes.

When the worst part of the depression is over, when the black rain cloud that has shrouded your brain for years and years on end finally moves along, you begin to see it in others. And you never want them to feel the way you did. You want to do everything in your power to keep that feeling as far away from them as possible.

You fight with all your might to keep your loved ones safe. You try to take on their battles and you fight off that black cloud that is shrouding their brain like an old enemy. And you toe the lie, because you're doing this because you love them and you want them to know they are not alone.

And the thing that sucks about it, is that you know that they feel the full force of that burden. They know you genuinely care and are not bothered by them, but it's in the back of their brain full of black clouds and bars on windows that won't let them see that place in the back of their brain.

It's a war zone and you just hope they survive.