stronger

I've noticed a repetitive theme in my writing and my thinking and my life dealing with mental illness.

I constantly feel like I'm so detached from the person that I used to be "pre-mental illness". I always strive to be back to that person.

I want to be that person that didn't feel dead inside. The person that took joy in everything. The person that always had a reason to be happy to be alive.

The weird thing is that lately I've noticed I will occasionally start to feel like my old self again.

And the more I feel it, the more I realize that I don't want to be her again. The time that I idolize in my mind never really existed.

She was unhealthy.

She had so many issues.

She wasn't a nice person. To herself or to those around her.

She let her emotions take over Would go blind with rage. Red with jealousy.

And she would let herself fall so far into the black hole of her mind, that it would take days to get out if it didn't destroy her all together.

The more that I sit and think about these things, the more that I realize that depression has always been a part of me and who I am.

I don't want to be the old me anymore.

She's bullshit.

I just want to be one thing.

Stronger.

I want to move forward with life and allow myself to feel my emotions, but not let them overpower my common sense.

I am learning to be kinder to people, including myself. Because everyone is already hard enough on themselves.

I'm not going to let my mind take over anymore, not allowing myself to get destroyed from the inside out.

I strive to build healthy relationships with people and not let myself get the better of me. I want to understand that everyone has a past, including myself. It does not define them.

I accept that I have my issues and that what I am will always be a part of who I am, but it will not define who I will become.

I will not be in denial about who I used to be. But I will not be that person again.

I will be stronger.