It's funny how a loss as big as this can bring up so many questions.
Am I still going to school?
Do we have enough money to get by?
Mom, are you going to move?
Am I going to be ok?
What happens when we die?
Does God exist?
I've mentioned it before on this blog that my views of God and the afterlife aren't exactly set in stone. I don't know if we have a Creator, if things are linked by some form of "the Big Guy" and we all either go to some place of majesty in the sky (or fiery pit of hell). Perhaps we're just beings in this land, stuck here by some scientific commodity. Maybe when we die, our souls are reincarnated.
I honestly don't know.
There's so much I want to believe...but so much that just doesn't make sense to me.
Also funny is how a loss like this makes you want to yearn that there is a Heaven and a God out there so that when we to die, we can join the other departed souls. Before last week, I never wanted that to be true as much as I do right now.
But for now, I'm don't know.
This has been my last week at home. As such, it seems only right to make my rounds to all of my friends and old watering holes.
Everyone knows what's happened to my family. And when I see them, they give me this big sad puppy dog look, expecting me to start sobbing immediately.
The third funny thing is I haven't cried a lot. Well, I cried a lot on the few days following, but by the time his Memorial service came on Saturday, I'd decided I was done crying. He lived, can't we celebrate that? Can't we keep living our own lives?
Yes, I'm sad. And yes, I smile a lot more than frown. That's how I chose to live.
I think that's enough funny things.
I might not be posting for a while now. Tomorrow and Sunday are my last days at home and consquently jam packed with visitations and other activities. Monday, I pack up the car and head towards the coast. Tuesday and Wednesday will be filled with various Southern California sightseeing activities. Thursday is the big move-in date and then orientation starts and goes through part of Saturday.
This time next week, I will be completely on my own a few hundred miles from home.
This is so incredibly scary that I just put three "b's" in "incredibly. Yeah, trembling.
But I think I'm excited. I just need to get through everything in the next 2 days (and pack...).
So, I suppose I'll see you in a couple weeks or so.