Monday, August 29, 2011

Loneliness and Split Decision

Welp. Here I am.

Far away from home, sitting in my new dorm room, fresh out of a weekend full of orientation and Disneyland. Not to mention today's classes.

I'm finally going to live out my dreams and be the person I've always wanted to be.

This should be the greatest moment of my life now, right?

Then why does it all feel so wrong?

Last post I talked about how my dad's passing made me reevaluate my life and choose to live rather than be sad. A week and a half ago, that's exactly how I felt.

But as soon as we got here, everything changed.

I feel like I haven't really been able to accept what's happened to my dad. Like I've moved on to the next hurdle before I've completely jumped over the first one.

I want to want to be here (read that carefully).

But at the same time, I want to go home badly.

Since I arrived life has consisted of a series of ups and downs. My move-in day consisted of me bawling my eyes out and going to go see an on-duty counseler to work through this grief, but she wasn't able to help. The next day, I went to Disneyland and everything seemed beautiful. Saturday, I happily went dorm shopping then to Disneyland with friends. I came home and the sadness started again. I truly considered dropping out of school to go home and deal with this.

Sunday got better: I decided to give it a week, then on Friday decide if I want to stay, go, or possibly take a leave of absence. I went out to lunch and then Disneyland with a new friend, was able to gush about girly things, and felt like I could truly do this. And then that night, the dread and miserable sadness came back.

I've been going through this vicious circle over and over again.

I can't decide what to do. This feels like it will never end. Before my dad passed I felt like coming to this school was my dream. Now I don't think it is. In fact, I don't know if college has ever been my dream or if it was my dad's and I just went along with it. It's all I've ever known.

I don't want to let him down.

But more than anything, I'm feeling this terrible loneliness. My roommate was here for maybe an hour total since she moved it, and that was when she was sleeping. The rest of the time she was God knows where with her own friends. I've been having a hard time making any friends at all. No one knows what I've been going through and even if they did, they wouldn't know what to say.

How many girls lose their dad two weeks before they move 400 miles away from home?

One that I know of.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I'm stuck right now. Stuck between happiness and depression. Stuck between wanting to be here and wanting to be home. Stuck between knowing what I should be feeling.

It's terribly frustrating that I always know what to do but in this case, I'm completely lost. I have no idea what to do.

And that fact in itself is absolutely killing me.

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