I know what you're all thinking.
Another sad post by Chelsea.
Here we go again.
But here's all that I have to say in a nutshell: I'm tired of being unhappy.
Like, really, really, tired of being this way.
And I've been getting a lot of shit for it lately too.
Now I know what some of you are thinking: Why the hell would someone be giving you shit for having depression?
You know, that's a great question.
People tend to think that I have a lot more control over what I say, what I do, and how I feel than I actually do. That's the thing about depression, as well as most other diseases, is that the person that is afflicted has essentially no control over what happens to them. They're forced to live in this body that is killing them from the inside out.
And frankly I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of not wanting to kill myself but not wanting to be alive.
I'm tired of being negative.
I'm tired of feeling like the world is completely against me.
I'm tired of wishing that people would stay or come back into my life.
I'm tired of feeling that people are always leaving me.
I miss the old me. The old, funny, happy, didn't matter what people did because it's not my problem anyway me.
I've been thinking about it a lot lately. It seems that most of my unhappiness stems from the fact that I love people more than they will ever love me--always, as well as the fact that people are constantly leaving.
The more I think about it, the more I guess I realize that there are people in this world who are meant to love more than those around them.
I realize that there are people who when they say the words "I will always be here for you", that they actually mean it.
And I happen to be one of those people.
And part of me thinks that I should change. That I should close off my heart like I said I would a million times before. That I should stop growing connections to those around me.
But then I realize that I can't. No matter what I say or do, I'm always going to be the one that loves more. I'm always going to be the one left behind when others leave me.
So what I'm going to do is accept that. I'm going to accept that if I love someone, they will eventually leave me behind. That's the way that the world works. And I suppose I'm going to have to be okay with that. I will always love more and they will always leave me and that's just the way it is.
And I need to accept that about myself and about the world around me.
I'm trying to make a vow to be happier, in whatever way I can.