Stick with me here.
Here's the thing.
Everyone keeps coming to me to provide love and support.
To which I truly appreciate. Granted, however, I have not given in and I have not talked my issues out with anyone. Admittedly though, no one has forced me into a closed room and forced me to talk. Or let me cry to them. Or simply sit and watch a movie with me.
There's been support. Ish.
The big thing I keep hearing though is, "Chelsea, stick it out. I know it's hard. We all go through tough periods of our life. But soon you'll be back to your old self again."
People seem to have this idea that this "recent" depression has made me forget who I am. Maybe even made me lose who I am.
Here's the thing though: This is who I always have been. I have changed over the years, however, the true core of me has not. You all are just seeing the different colors shining through.
But this color has always been here. This depression goes back 7 years, but before I never used to be so open about it. This idea of me wanting to kill myself is not new: I've probably only had about 100 or so days of the past 7 years (which is well over 2000 days, mind you) where I haven't had this thought cross my mind. Even at my happiest. And it's not like I actually want to kill myself. It's that I just don't want to be alive. To me, there is a difference.
But what I'm trying to say is that I am who I always have been. Still to this day. I think the big problem is that most of you, now clouded by this new color of me, have forgotten who I am instead.
So I'm going to do something kind of strange. I'm going to survey myself, and remind you all who I am behind this specific color. I'm still the Chelsea that you all fell in love with. And I still love me.
What is your name?
Chelsea Cr--- (bleeped for personal security...this part of me hasn't changed)
What do you wish your name was? Why?
Summer. This was supposed to be my name if you go back in the way way back machine, pre-me. However, my parents had second thoughts. But that didn't stop me from wishing it were my name. I used it as my stage name for 4 years of theatre when there were too many other Chelsea's in my class. And if I ever make it big as a writer and decide to use a penname, it's going to be Summer Earl (you heard it here first). I just think it's a pretty name and something that just...fits me in a way that Chelsea doesn't.
What's the most beautiful thing you've ever experienced?
The sunset in Arizona. It's weird to explain, but it happens slow. Real slow. The sun starts going down to the horizon and the Western sky starts burning yellow. The whole sky turns this bright, bright yellow. And then it starts morphing, layers added on. Turning pink, then red, then purple. And finally the sky goes dark blue. It's a million different colors all at once and if you ever see it in it's true glory, you will probably shit your pants. The best part comes next though. When the sky goes dark, and if you're in the right place in the desert, you can look up and see all the stars. And you can literally get lost because it seems like a kaleidoscope in the sky.
When were you most at peace?
There are two times that stick out in particular.
The first was April of last year, and sneaking out to the beach in the middle of the night. It was freezing cold and I had sand up my ass, but literally just sitting in the pitch dark, listening to the waves crash upon the shore in the distance was the most peaceful moment I've ever had. I crave going back to that.
The other is a generalized statement. It sounds cliche, but you know that place that's between awake and sleep? When you're fighting with all your might to stay awake, but it's dark and you're comfortable in bed and in love, and you lose that battle. That moment right before I lose is probably the most peaceful feeling I know.
What's your favorite color?
Purple. But not the regular purple. It's a purple so dark and light at the same time that it's almost gray. Not lavender. Not fuschia. But purple-gray. It's a wonderful sight.
I divide this into categories:
Song from a musical: Breathe, In the Heights
Song from a band: Blackbird, Beatles
Song from a music score: Flying, James Newton
Series (that isn't based on a book): Back to the Future
Film within a series: Star Wars, Episode V
Fairy tale base: Ever After
Movie movie: Princess Bride
Series: Harry Potter
Classic: Pride and Prejudice
Modern: Before I Die
Classic: My Fair Lady
Modern: In the Heights
What would you name your kids?
Boy: Sterling (I've always tried to name my book characters this, but it's never quite right)
Girl: Gemma (Admittedly, only if she were born a ginger cuz how cute is that?)
I'd have to give the name "Earl" to one of the boys as a middle name considering it's a family thing and I have to obey the law. But yeah, I really like Sterling and Gemma.
If you could relive any moment of your life, what would it be?
I wish I could relive the day before my dad died. August 8, 2011. Give him a better hug, consult my feelings more. But mostly to have those extra few hours with him again. He was supposed to have so much more time.
If you could live in any other decade?
Probably the 1980's for the pop culture, the 1940's for the clothing, and the 1890's for the society.
What's your biggest fear?
What's your greatest dream?
To be happy, no matter what.
Christmas when it feels like Christmas. I haven't had a real Christmas in 4 years it seems.
It's weird, but if you light a piece of paper on fire, let it burn, and then water it out. The smell that comes from that is one of the greatest things on earth. If I could bottle that, I would.
All of these things, with the exception of some recent memories, have been who I am for the past who knows how many years of my life. I haven't forgotten who I am. I'm still me. I'm still Chelsea Marie. If it seems like you're the ones who've forgotten who I am, please reread this. Remind yourself that I'm still here.
I might be crying out for help, but it's still the same old me.
Don't lost me in the hue of this other color of me.