Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Once Upon a Time...

Once upon a time there was a girl. She was an average girl, of regular gait and no surpassing marks of beauty. She thought herself quite plain and quite unimportant.

She was just an average girl.

She was a strange girl.

And she was a broken girl.

She walked the Earth for the early part of her life feeling as if she did not belong. As if she were meant to live in a different era entirely. While the other girls around her talked about boys and makeup and clothing, she sat by herself and read and wrote her thoughts down on paper. She created stories of herself, a beautiful young girl, who lived hundreds of years ago and didn't have a care in the world. She went to balls and danced with men and was able to freely live her life, always with her best friend by her side. The girl told her family of her fictional adventures, and they were delighted with her intelligence, and yet concerned about her obsession.

The feeling of not belonging never went away from this girl's consciousness. It followed her, plagued her even. The older this girl got, the more the feeling changed. Transforming to feeling like she belonged in a different era, to feeling as if she did not belong anywhere at all. The more that she lived, the more that this girl believed that she was nothing special to the world.

She had but one desire: To feel as if she belonged, truly, deeply belonged. To feel as if she had somewhere that she was meant to be, and someone that she was meant to be with. True love and true belonging were her desire. She lusted after fairy tale stories, becoming to attached to heroines such as Cinderella and Rapunzel, so full of life, and so full of joy. She dreamed of a life where she met her true love, and there was nary an issue and they lived on to create happy, full lives. She dreamed of a world where she felt as if she belonged.

She dreamed of a world where she felt wanted.

Her whole life she searched for this feeling.

There were some occasions where she felt like she had found it. But it was not to be. She fell too quickly and too hard, and in the end, she was left, cast off, feeling as if she were not good enough. She felt as if she did not deserve to be wanted, or to be loved.

This followed her for years, and slowly, but surely, tore the spirit from this young girl. She still wanted to believe in fairy tales and true love, but she believed that they were not for her. She was nothing extraordinary, and so why should she be treated as such? This young girl, the older she got, began to lose her spirit. And the one thing that she used to be complimented about, the sparkle of her eyes, slowly died out. The world, in it's vicious cruelties, was killing this young girl of no importance.

However, this girl had a strange power that even she could not explain. She had gone her whole life feeling unwanted, cast aside. However, each time this would happen, something strange would occur.  The very people who cast her aside, made her feel her lowest, would somehow come back to her, begging for her to allow them back into her life.

So hurt by their earlier cruelties, she would not allow them, afraid to be hurt again. But time and time again, they came back to her, saying she was the one thing they could not live without. The one thing they could not get out of their minds no matter how hard they had tried. They apologized for their cruelties, for they had not known any better.

This girl did not understand the gift that she seemed to have.

For it seemed that each person that she came into contact with throughout her life, had been thoroughly changed by her. She spent her life feeling alone and unwanted, but truly she was making a difference to everyone she had ever met.

Slowly, this power of hers drove her mad. How could it be that someone who had spent their life unwanted, was suddenly wanted by the people who made her feel so low?

How could it be that as soon as people drew her in and started to make her feel wanted, they suddenly cast her away as if she were garbage?

How could it be that she, a girl of no importance, somehow had made such an impact on the world around her?

How could it be that after she walked away, head low, so many ran after her, raising their hands for attention?

And how could it be that she still never felt as if she belonged anywhere, even with her own family?

She did not understand this gift, nor did she try. It was beyond her scope. She simply walked through life, feeling unwanted, and knowing as soon as she gave up something that hurt it would come to follow her back. She knew that this would eventually be the fate of all those who left her behind.

She walked through life hoping that maybe, just maybe, someday someone would see her for her gifts, see the princess she dreamed herself to be, and vow to never let her go.

She walked through life praying that maybe, if she wished hard enough, there would finally be someone who did anything to stay with her, no matter how average or broken she was.

I walk through life wishing that someday I will be destined to be happy too.

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