I've been thinking a lot lately.
I mean, I usually think things through a lot. Maybe too much.
But lately, it's becoming too much. Here's a few things that have been on my mind in the last few hours:
Wanting a Starbucks, realizing how many calories are in said Starbucks, how I desperately need a new job, how much I don't want to write my English paper (that's what I'm procrastinating on now), different ideas for what to do for my upcoming birthday, going to Disneyland in 2 months, stupid English essay, Ashton Kutcher's butt, wanting a skin for my new ipod, how frustrated I get in crowds, wondering if I'll ever get my books published, my apparent lack of friends lately....
It's this sort of continuing whirlwind of thoughts.
My most recent and nagging is this sort of loneliness I have in my heart. Perhaps its because tomorrow is Valentines Day...and the anniversary of the final break-up I had with the one guy I could have almost imagined living my life with.
I'm young, I know that. And as such, I have this sort of fairy tale romantic notion. I will find Mr. Right, fireworks will go off, life will be better than ever imagined, and I will live on a cloud with him, my unicorn, and the glittery butterflies.
This is the reason I write. To get out my romantic notions. To put myself in the feet of my heroine who always falls in love with the greatest guy in the world. Most likely, there's a problem, but their love never stops. They live, like Katy Perry's song suggests, in a "teenage dream".
This hole in my heart does not seem to ever ease. Especially since I've started falling for this guy. As my sister and I would say any time there's a a new crush...
"So there's this boy...."
I can't help myself. There's no hope for us to ever be together for many reasons. I am positive he feels no attraction for me and I don't even know why I feel the way I do for him. And yet.....
I'm in this continuous state of torment. Feeling so many things, having such a vivid imagination, and constantly having this emotion dangling in front of me...so close and yet so impossibly far away.
The other night I had a dream that someone was quoting lines to Romeo and Juliet to me. Terribly romantic, you'd think: Most any girl's dream. One would believe that until they heard that I told him that I couldn't be with him. And we both cried tears of both love and hearbreak. I was incapable of love.
Valentine's Day is no help to this. Nor is the fact that I think of how many years in my life have passed, how another is about to pass, and...nothing.
I don't go out and party. Don't get drunk on a night out. Don't do drugs or smoke. No one night stands. I'm not one of those extreme extroverts. Perhaps if I did, I wouldn't feel this way. Or maybe it would be worse.
I don't know what else to say. Sure I have lots of ideas...but nothing that will come from concept to words.
I'm lonely. Is that too much to come right out and say? Those two little words....
And yet they sum up the whole of what I feel right now.