Sunday, July 17, 2011

Waking Up on the Wrong Side (of the World)

Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up and ultimately feel...blah?

Sort of empty?

That's how my day started this morning.... Last night, I stayed up late, talked to some friends, and made a few realizations about myself. Including the fact that I'd fallen way too far for a guy friend of mine, despite the fact that I'm moving in less than 6 weeks.

Dear reader, you must know by this time that I have absolutely no luck with relationships. They all either end badly...or never really happen in the first place.

This guy...he's, well, he's hard to read. We're quite close, without being together always. He always talks about liking someone. Perhaps it's me...but somewhere in my life, a seed of doubt has been planted in my mind, always saying "This guy will never like you. No guy will ever like you."

He may or may not be different from the others. With all my heart, I wish that he was.

And with all of my heart, I wish it would work out.

But see, while I was sleeping, the realization sunk in that I will be moving in 5 weeks. And he will be staying. And I'll be left wishing I'd noticed things earlier so maybe fate had path to cut.

On top of that, the friends I talked to last night... I, well, I asked the wrong questions of them. Fights ensued, many in my mind, some in person.

A war rages on in my head, grappling between wanting to tell this guy how I feel, to how stupid I was to have had some conversations.

And this morning, with all of that to sleep on...I woke up wrong. There's a strange feeling inside my heart, inside my whole body, just pulling me down like a dead weight.

But the feeling is emptiness.

Just like last time's loud silence, this is the heaviest emptiness I've ever had.

And I'm stuck here, in my mind...clueless. What do I do? Where do I go? Do I continue to go along with the path of life? Or do I take a shot, even if it doesn't end well?

While working, all of the events from the last 24 hours pressed themselves upon me. And like any writer, I knew that there was only one solution: To write it out. Create a story using the real life events.

Except in that case, it will most likely end up happy.

Life...well, I'm not too sure.

And I can't help but feeling that the sooner I escape from this life, the better. The sooner I start out on my own adventures, the happier things will get.

Today, I realized that my whole life, I've been waking up on the wrong side of the world.

But no more.


1 comment:

  1. "To change one's life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions." ~William James

    You're courageous enough to post about your feeling on here, so just put on your big girl undies and tell that guy how you feel. You don't want to think back in a few months and wonder what if. If he thinks your crazy, which is highly unlikely since he already knows you, then oh well. You're moving in a few months and you can truly put this behind you knowing you tried. And if he returns those feelings, well, as Dr. Malcolm says in one of the greatest movies of all time, life finds a way. :)