On the Edge of...Something Symbolic.

There's so much I wish I could explain in this blog. Sadly, it's public and most of you come from Facebook or Twitter. And you know me. So it's awkward. Oh, and the stories (like guys, and funny dumb people, etc) revolve around you.

Sorry about that. Just take it as a compliment. YOU ARE IMPORTANT.

I wish I'd brought my journal with me from home.

You might not know this, dear reader, but ol' Chelsea here kept a journal everyday from May 23, 2007-sometime in summer 2010. It has everything in it: Starting from my first lead role in a play, to my years being depressed and suicidal, to finding my way out, what I thought at the time was love, secrets, dreams, writing, my first and second books...

When I say everything, I almost literally mean it. I had 3 journals and they filled up fast.

I wish I'd brought one with me. I really could have used it post my Monday night post. See, I kind of had this anxiety attack of sorts.

My heart has been racing for the past 3ish days straight. Starting sometime on Monday I began an anxiety attack that lasted all that day, the night, and then Tuesday. Wednesday it was fine.

But I got up this morning and there is was, racing again.

So much has been happening.

School and life in general have been enought. But once you add the whole boy dilemma I've been facing...

It's all so very overwhelming.

And I don't know what to do.

But at the same time I want to take it all in. I want to experience it all and explore my options and start living this life.

With all that's been happening, there's a certain feeling I can't seem to shake.

Anticipation.

It's like I'm waiting on the edge of...I don't know. The edge of something symbolic. Anyways, on the edge I feel like I can teeter so many different ways. But, I know that once I do fall, something big is going to happen (if your something symbolic was a cliff, then no...it will not be death. I hope).

As John Mayer would say I'm waiting...waiting on the world to change.

Something big is going to happen.

I can just feel it.

Now let's end with something entertaining.

:-)

Peace!

Come What May. And Terrible Puns!

It's 11:26.

Approximately 26 minutes ago, I made a terrible mistake.

I had coffee. That wasn't the mistake though. It was the fact that it was some Folgers crap instead of my Starbucks Via. :(

Well, maybe the coffee was a mistake. I have a class in 9 hours. And I'm not sleeping anytime soon.

Anyway.

What was my last post? Ah, yes, being an Eyre-hard.

Welp, since then I went to Disneyland on Saturday with some new friends. It was pretty awesome.

I got hugged. By a lot of characters. And people. And I saw fireworks and nighttime spectaculars. Twas magical. :)

Then I did homework yesterday.

And today I had class, a job interview (which I scored!!!!) then did some shopping at Disneyland. Cuz I'm awesome.

Anyways. A few weeks ago, I made some huge rant about this guy that I like and how I wish they would step up to the plate.

Welp, since then I've had a semi-obsession with that situation. It's been driving me crazy. That terrible feeling of that inner struggle:

Does he like me?

I don't think he does.

But, wait, he might now.

Am I reading too far into it?

Oh, that was so nice.

She says he never looked away from me.

But he seems to ignore me.

Oh, that smile is so beautiful.

If he likes me, why doesn't he just ask?

I'm going crazy.

So I've made a decision. I'm in college. There should be a variety of opportunities out there for me. I like this kid but I'm not going to kill myself over this possibility of a relationship. There are others. Heck, within the last 24 hours there have been...

I'm not going to gush it out over this blog.

I'm going to write it out. Cuz that's what writers do, write? That was supposed to be a pun. Somehow it's now 12:23 so my punny humor has all but been erased.

Erased? Writer? Eh, it was worth a shot.

Anyway, I was trying to prove a point before I went on that strange coffee-nightynight-induced tangent.

What I was going to say is that I'm going to stress over this what-might-possibly-be-relationship.

I'm going to open my mind to a variety of different options.

I'll let life happen and see what I'm able to take out of it.

Come what may.

Twi-hard? No, I'm an Eyre-hard.

So....

It's been a while, Dear Reader. Like, over a week.

First off, I'm sorry. :(

I really like writing these little nibblets of information for you to gobble up (get it, nibblets? gobble? ok, gimme a break. it's 12:16 AM). As I was saying...

I like doing these posts. It's just my life lately has gone a little something like this:

sadkjfh8ewaour9we0urfkjsadbfiewuyr950ojwedf:SDFGFSdgtiofsdgbj;fsdRF
wq3e454w3'tire':gkdfos:uhypuhyrse
[otorsegtiolfdmg'fsd]iuewuhfklrsehtuohgiutrdifoeSAndhenrgptrjfwdklhgri45othyuporlsegjkesdhgkjsadf8d9ht67w5438y4w3ryh iusegbFX"dty54ert6464w35y843rgt;rwiehjt65tgbfxcRe/rt5t%$^%$W^

So. Fast forward replay of the last week.

Drove 6 hours home. Saw friends. Saw mommy. Saw my puppies. Surprised my nephews. Watched TV. Yoga. Drove 6 hours back. All in a 36 hour period.

Then Monday I went back to classes which was most awesome. I had to read more of my work for Creative Writing which was intense winning. I might've posted it on here before... I'll look and if not, that'll be my next post. The whole class was lyke ":O!!!!!" Then I went to Disneyland with a friend from school.

It's HALLOWEEN TIME!!!!!!

(Can I just sidenote how flippin excited I am for Halloween?! Along with Christmas, it's my favorite festive time of year. And I have a flippin awesome costume this year. (:    )

Then Tuesday brought a French test, Wednesday brought boringness and then another jaunt to Disneyland then honor's society meetings.

Can I just say that I think I'm genetically programmed to meet people who like Disney like I do? At my honor's society, I met a girl who loooooves the parks and listens to the Disney podcast that I'm mentioned on just about every week. Then one of my best friends at school I met through planning to go to Disneyland. It's pretty awesome.

Then there was Thursday which I can't even remember. All I know is I went to the gym at 9PM and ran a few miles. Cuz I'm that awesome.

OH, I GOT A JOB INTERVIEW!!! At the Theatre department as Stage Crew. I'm pretty flippin excited. Theatre will always be my first love (sorry, Creative Writing...).

Then today I had one class, spent some time on my costume, then hung out with a friend. We went and saw Pride and Prejudice (the play) out here and it's awesome. (Here's where my English nerdiness comes out just a bit) While the Mr. Bingley in the play was sooooo cute, I'll eternally be in love with the character of Mr. Darcy.

I mean, seriously?! <3

Of course, there's also Mr. Rochester from Jane Eyre....

:P''''''''''''''''

Ok, enough drooling over sexy actors playing these emotionally rich roles from classic novels that I squeal in delight of while most girls my age do it over fugly vampires and werewolves who can't act worth shit.

Not that I think less of them. Ahem.

Anywhom.

I think I'll update more tomorrow or another day or something sometime soon. It's kind of 12:35. I mean, East Coast time, that's 3:35. In the morning. Yikes.

Last time you got "tired, leave me the heck alone" Chelsea. This time you have the "too giddy to do anything right but wants y'all in my life in some form" Chelsea.

See, I do this for you!

What's My Name? Where's My Room? Where's My Inflatable Zebra?

Okay, I don't have an inflatable zebra.

But this has pretty much been how my life has been for the last week and a half.

I have so much reading homework it's not even funny. I read 150 pages of The Aeneid today. And then 150 pages of stuff for my International Relations class. And that was just today. I have to do that every other day. It's ridiculous.

Then add French homework (F my life on that one), Business homework/reading, and creative writing.

Crap. Creative Writing. The fucking reason I'm in this school.

With all my other homework, this has sort of fallen to the wayside. Yet somehow I promised my teacher that I would have something prepared for Monday.

Did I mention I'm going home this weekend?

Yeah.

Needless to say, I'm exhausted. The lingering effects of summer, the fact I don't have a job to force me to construct my timeline better, and the fact that my dad is on my mind are cluttering my head and I just feel...

Blech.

Yet somehow, it's 11:35 PM, I have a 7:17 AM wake-up call...and I'm blogging. This is life, people.

I don't even know what I'm doing here.

Otherwise, school has been going fairly well. I am actually meeting new people and having some good times. I joined the English Honor's Society which I'm really excited about (where else can I talk to other nerds like me?!). I have only been to Disneyland ONCE since the Sunday before Labor Day. I know, I'm shocked too. And proud. :)

I've applied to, like, 1000000000 jobs...and still haven't heard back from any of them. Yes, one of them was to Disneyland. And half of the others were in Downtown Disney. Obsessed? Just a bit.

THINK OF HOW MUCH MONEY I WOULD SAVE IF I WORKED THERE!!!

Because I'm kind of going broke at this point, which isn't good because I need money to, like, drive and do laundry and use the freakin' expensive copy machines.

Did I mention I'm going home this weekend?

I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!! :D :D :D

I get to see my mommy, my doggies, my nephews, my doggies, my best friends, my doggies, and watch TV! Did I mention my doggies? Taking the 6 hour drive down after my Friday morning class, and then back up Sunday morning/afternoon. Short trip. But it'll be nice.

Except making up all of the homework previously mentioned. That's not so nice.

I'm really in the mood to write, but I know I shouldn't be doing my writing at this time of night. Blogging, yes. Writing, no. It will suck. And I'll stay up all night.

But I WILL work on it tomorrow. I pwomise. :)

Can you tell I'm tired, Dear Reader?

There was no real theme to this post, but it's OK. Sometimes short and sweet and to the point is all that matters. It's time for bed.

Chelsea, over and out.

Wasting Time, Girly Moments, and Other Life Stories

There are so many things I could be doing right now.

I could be cleaning and organizing my room.

I could be doing my French and International Relations homework that is due tomorrow.

I could be doing shopping for things I still need for my room.

I could be running.

But here's the funny thing--I feel like blogging. It's a bad habit to get into at the beginning of the school year: To be doing this rather than other things that need to be done. But whatever. It's college, I do what I want.

I don't even know what I want to blog about. I just feel like typing this out and we'll see where it goes.

Hmmm...over the last few days I've been going through a variety of emotions. Not as extreme as the last two weeks, but still there. My dad is almost always on my mind. On a few occasions, I've burst into tears thinking about him. For instance, my mom said she found something of his from several years ago. I was going along fine until BAM...face filled with tears. And again last night when I was watching a "He's Just Not That Into You" and Jennifer Aniston's dad has a heart attack.

It's weird. I know it was recent (4 weeks ago as of yesterday) but I didn't expect to be going through these strange periods of highs and lows.

I'm starting to get more and more into school. Met a couple new friends, went to one party, like a few of my classes, started applying for jobs, and tonight I have the first meeting of the English Honor's Society. Trying to get involved as much as I can. I know I can do it this semester, but the rest of the year and 2 years after, I'm not so sure about.  I guess I'll have to figure it out as time goes by.

Ok, here comes my quarterly "girly moment" (Fall 2011 edition).

If you've read my last post ("So There's This Thing"), then I mentioned that I was currently in "like" with someone.

Yes, it is true.

Over the course of this blog--this is the third "like".

The first two didn't work out for their own reasons. And I'm ok with that.

This one might be a bit different. I don't know.

I don't even have his phone number.

All I know is that the one friend I have that's met him too says she thinks he's "showing signs of being totally into [me]".

I'm terrible at relationships, I've decided. Never really ever having one, I don't know what it takes to be in one and how the whole "courting" situation goes. And especially in this day and age when girls can ask out guys...I'm just really confuzzled.

I wish people were clear cut about this. If I had the balls to walk up to this guy and say "Hey, I like you. Maybe we could go out" I totally would. But I'm old fashioned. Plus, I never know if they like me back.

So, really, I wish that they would just be a man, waltz up to me and say "Hey, I like you. Maybe we could go out." Dude, if you read this, and you like me, just freakin' tell me. I'm not saying that I'll say I like you back, but to be able to know without all these false pretenses going on would be great. And it would satisfy my need for old-fashionedness.

Apparently I'm now becoming of the age where several people that I know are starting to get married. My best friend and I were talking about this on the phone the other day. Within the last year, 5 of our friends have gotten engaged or married. I know at least 2 others that probably will within the next year as well.

As for me, I'm scared of getting married. I also mentioned this on my last post. I don't want to become this new person if/when I get married. I don't want to have all of my goals and things I hope to achieve be completely thrown off course.

I need a guy that understands and supports that.

I'm not making much sense to myself. I've been lacking on sleep, apparently. So let's finish this off like any good English student, shall we?

Concluding paragraph:

All in all, I'm happy with my life as of this moment. There may be things that I wish, like family that lives closer and more friends, but I'm content in my lifestyle. Perhaps this guy will admit that he, too, likes me. Every body loves a happy ending, don't they? The happiest ending I could ever imagine is to be content with my life, achieve my goals as a writer and person, be with my family, and maybe--just maybe--find a guy that will want all the same things for me, him and us.

Girly moment over.

The end.

Back to French and International Relations.

So There's This Thing.

So, it's Labor Day.

Considering the majority of the students in my school have parents within a 70 mile radius, it's pretty quiet around here right now.

Well, except that one girl outside who won't stop shouting.

But other than that, most people are gone for BBQ-ing and such.

Not me. Nope. I've been sitting in my dorm room all day: First I talked on the phone for 2 hours, then I Twittered and Facebooked, then I pulled out the books I need to read, then I changed my sheets, then I Twittered and Facebooked, then I put the pillowcases on my nekkid pillows, then I started reading one of my books, Twitter, Facebook, more reading, deep sighing, pulled up my French homework and proceeded to bang my head on the desk at my lack of rememberance of the French language. Ugh. Then more Twitter and Facebook.

And now here I am.

Somewhere in one of those Facebook sprees, I pulled up my friend Hope's blog. Hope is a wonderful person I know from high school and she's currently living 5 miles away from me because she's working at Disneyland for the College Program. It's pretty awesome. And so is her blog.

But anyway, she was nominated for this thing called "Versatile Blog Award". Basically, everyone who's nominated must write 7 factoids about themselves and then link you, the reader, to 5 more blogs.

Apparently, it's a thing.

So I've been nominated from the lovely Hope. You all probably either know a lot of crap about me, or nothing, or just random tidbits.

Let's learn some more shall we?

1) I'm really terrible at writing facts about myself in a numbered and non-roundabout fashion. So this is gonna be fun.

2) My Senior prom cost me $25. $15 for the dress (clearance) and $10 for food (Chinese take-out). That's cuz I'm awesome and I won a contest where I got $100 for David's Bridal which my sister and I used for accessories and also got my tickets for free. It was pretty awesome.

3) As I write this I'm on Skype video chatting with one of my friends from home. It's pretty awesome.

4) I have a lot of friends who have just recently been married or engaged or are about to be married or engaged. Part of yearning for boyfriends and marriage and such, but the other part is scared shitless of marriage. I'm afraid that I'll never meet "Mr. Right", yet at the same time I'm frightened that if/when I do, I'll completely change myself for marriage. Oh, also, I'm currently in "like" with someone who I half think likes me back, half think wouldn't look at me twice. I'll probably do a whole post about this at some point.

5) My dream used to be an actress. I'm so glad that it isn't anymore. I love writing more than I could have ever realized.

6) My music tastes vary widely. Right now, I'm listening to my Gaga/Rihanna playlist. Earlier I had Benny Goodman playing. I think it adds a certain quirk to me.

7) I'm a genuinely funny person once you get to know me. The thing is, I'm so frightened to meet new people that most they usually don't see that side of me for quite some time.

Now, to tag my other bloggers.

1. Tulips to Kiss You With

2. All That is Holly

3. Musings of a Closet Writer

.... Hope is the only other blogger I follow that releases content and I already linked you to her.

So y'all. That's the thing.

--Chelsea

Forms of Inspiration

It is 12:32 AM.

12:32 AM on Saturday.

If you remember, dear reader, my last post consisted of me making an agreement with myself that I would stick it out to Friday of the first week of class and then see if I want to drop out and go home, take a leave, or to stay here.

Welp, I'm still here.

Let me explain a bit (I will anyway so just keep reading):

This week has been full of ups and downs. Sometimes I look back on it, and it seems to have gone by soooo slowly, each moment ticking slower than the one before it. And then other times, it speeds up so incredibly fast that I have to do a double take.

Classes have gone fairly well thus far. I have only male teachers (and I'm sure my female/homosexual readers would like to know that one is very sexy indeed). The classes involve a lot of reading from all different areas, and several projects that look quite compelling. Except French. It's been 2 years since I've spoken French and I threw myself into an Intermediate class where the teacher likes to speak francais 100% du temps (of the time). It's frustrating.

I haven't done much social event stuff, but I have made some friends that I chill with or just have breakfast with. It's fun.

Nights seem to be the hardest part of this process. I miss my mom, my dogs, my nephews, my comfortable bed, and sometimes even my brothers ( :P ).

I still feel lonely because most of the time I am alone in a crowd of people. When by myself and alone, I'm perfectly fine. But to be the odd man out, it frightens me. I don't like being alone.

There's ups and there's downs.

Tuesday night, I called my mom crying and ready to pack my things and head home. She told me to go ask my RA the steps for going home after I took a shower. Sometime before I made it out of my room, I called her back and said that I would give it til the end of the week.

Come Wednesday afternoon, I had my Creative Writing course. Lately, I haven't felt much like writing. All these ideas, no desire to sit down and do it. However, my professor gave us the assignment to sit quietly and write whatever we felt like.

And so I did.

And because this blog is for my writing, I decided to actually post writing tonight. So here's what I wrote.

Paul

“Run!” they shouted loudly. “Hurry!”

The men in boots stormed through the house, pushing my family along.

“Pack your things!” they yelled. “Quickly!”

Their harsh German accents were loud, harsh. My instinct was to fight back, but common sense told me that that would only land me in a mass grave.

Quickly, I grabbed the suitcase that I had intended to use when I ran away with Linda. Throwing clothes in, I allowed myself to say good-bye to her in my soul. They said that Jews never came back when they were relocated. I would never see my beauty again.

Across the hall, I heard my father whisper for my mother to hide the few family heirlooms we still had in her apron pocket. The Nazi’s would only steal it for themselves when they ransacked our home after we left. Silently, tears rolling down her cheeks, she did as she was told.

It took less than five minutes before we were standing in front of what had once been our home, in a massive crowd of other star-wearing neighbors. We held hands through the streets as the soldiers marched us to the train station.

We passed by Linda’s home, but I couldn’t bear to see if she was at that window where we had fallen in love so short a time ago. Did she see me? Was she crying at the sight of so many Jews on the way to slaughter?

Onto the train, we piled, hearing the Nazi’s German shouted. Many of us wept, others prayed. The cattle doors shut behind us and we were locked in darkness.

There was no room to sit, to breathe. We could only stand, packed tightly together. My mother and father were on either side of me, frozen with fear. The train began pulling away and there were shouts from all around as we lurched forward.

Useless.

So many sweating bodies of so many ages quickly began smelling. My neighbors constantly knocked into me with each bump in the track. The prayers and shouts continuing, asking for God or the Germans to save our lives.

But all I could seem to think of was Linda.

Linda

It was funny how quickly I caught sight of Paul in the sea of faces.

Just moments before, I had been awoken from my slumber by the harsh shouting just outside the house. Flying to the window, I saw them coming.

Jews.

Both my enemy and my greatest love.

The soldiers marched them through the town for us all to see the “traitors to humankind”. They were taking them to the last train ride of their lives.

But there was Paul—tall and strong amongst the frightened. He held tightly to his mother and father, whom I’d only seen from afar. He did not look at me, but I could not take my gaze off of him until they turned a corner and were out of sight.

With nothing more than my nightgown on, I sprinted from my room, down the staircase and out the front door. I saw my father, dressed in his finest watching the last of the Jews walking to their death.

“Where are they going?” I asked, although I knew perfectly well.

My father, standing tall and still, took a long moment to answer.

“They are being relocated to a more suitable area for their kind.”

Just a few weeks ago, I would have believed him thoroughly. Before I met Paul, before I learned what it was like to be amongst the Jewish community, before I fell in love and began to have an opinion of my own.

But now I knew better.

“But why?”

“It is the way of the world of my child.” He turned to face me, keeping his face straight. “This evening I will be leaving to oversee their new community. To assure it is to their liking.”

“Papa—”

“Your mother and you will be going on holiday until I return.”

“But Papa—”

“Enough Linda. You do as you’re told.”

“But Papa, I would so much enjoy to see their new community.” He looked suspicous at this and I scrambled for reasoning. “I would like to better understand how to accomplish the Aryan quest. To make a better world.”

He considered this for a few moments. The streets outside had cleared so quickly after the Death March had left that you wouldn’t have known it had happened if you weren’t there. That was the Hitler’s master plan, wasn’t it? To make it seem like the Jews had never been here in the first place.

“Very well, Lise. You will accompany me for a few days. But while we are there, you are to speak to no one and to do exactly as told. Do you understand?”

“Yes Papa.”

“Go get ready. We will leave after supper.”

I practically ran to my room, giddy with excitement. A plan had formed in my head.

While my father worked, I would disguise myself and find a way to Paul. From there, we could run away to the United States together. Never having to worry about Hitler or his supreme race again.

Two star-crossed lovers would be reunited once more.

Of course some details have been changed for copyright purposes, but there we have it. I had to read mine aloud to the class (3 of the class of 14 did).

My professor called it both "chilling" and "inspiring". It earned a stamp of approval from a professor who is a published author.

This gave me the spark of confidence that I needed so desperately. I needed to know that I could do this writing thing, that THIS is the reason I came to the school in the first place.

Everything just seems so much better now. It's going to continue going through ups and downs, but I know now why I came to this school. Why I'm being taken from my family and made to go through this struggle.

I can do it. I'm staying until at least the end of the semester, and then we'll see what happens from there.

For a bit of housekeeping, I would like to thank all of my friends that have been so supportive of me during the last few difficult weeks. You have no idea how much this means to me.

However, to the young person who continues to e-mail and attempt to contact me, PLEASE leave me alone. If you choose to continue reading my blog (not recommended), then no more comments. They're rather annoying and I don't need you in my life. The answer will always be no. Thank you.

I always seem to apologize for long posts, but then again most of my posts are long. I figure it makes up for my gaps in actually posting them. So, I hope you enjoyed this time with me. I sure did.

--Chelsea