Once, Always

Can I tell you guys a story?

4 years ago, in August of 2011, I moved myself 400 miles away from home to attend college in Southern California at Chapman University.

Two weeks prior to moving, my father passed away.

In that short span of time, I not only lost him, but moved far away from my remaining family. I was completely and utterly alone. Not to mention, I had transferred, therefore I did not have a solid group of acquaintances like anyone who came in with Freshmen Orientation had the benefit of having.

To say that my first semester at Chapman was miserable would be an understatement.

I had 2 friends, and after only a couple of months of school, I wasn't even friends with one of them. I drove myself home as often as I could, at least once a month if I could manage. But it became hard because I was also struggling to support myself. I had no job, no money, no family nearby, and what family I did have was struggling to pay off my father's medical bills and grappling with his lost income.

By the end of my first semester, I was looking for school's to transfer to the following year. Again.

I went home for Christmas and was able to spend 5 weeks there, constantly dreading having to move back to school and what would await me there.

In late January of 2012, I moved myself back to SoCal, hoping that somehow this would be different. As soon as I arrived back, my roommate and only friend greeted me, and told me she wanted to go through recruitment to join a sorority. And my heart immediately fell because I knew what would happen. She would join a sorority and become so involved with her sisters that I would once again be left all alone. And so I decided to take a big step and go through recruitment with her.

In the beginning, I was thinking of joining the same sorority that she wanted, Alpha Gamma Delta. The first few days of February, we went to Open House, where we had the chance to meet girls from the 3 sororities doing Spring recruitment. I trudged myself around to all the different tables, and gave each of them the chance. And then I walked up to the last table belonging to Phi Sigma Sigma.

The girls at this table immediately greeted me with immense kindness. One of them made a comment about my Harry Potter shirt I was wearing and it was instantaneous love. We discussed Harry Potter, Doctor Who, Disneyland, and studying abroad, all things that I considered to be a major part of my existence. This girl worked at Disney. This one studied at University of Glasgow. That one wrote Harry Potter fan fiction on the same website I had when we were 12 years old. I spent over an hour talking to these girls and they practically had to pry me away from the table at the end of the event.

After 6 months at Chapman, I finally felt like I knew where I had to be.

And so I went through Recruitment, which involved going to several events over the next few weeks. Each time I got an invitation to all 3 houses, and each time I would go for just a few minutes to the other 2, only to come running back to Phi Sig with open arms. I love the girls there and they loved me.

It was no surprise when I got my bid to join them. And I cried with happiness for a moment and then excitedly signed my bid and ran off to celebrate with them.

Just a few days later, a group of us went to Disneyland together, and I felt so connected to these girls so soon. We ran around the theme parks, talking about our past and our future, likes and dislikes, and why we were happy to be where we were.

Of course I got the negative comments. The idea that I paid for my friends, only to try and defend myself and tell the haters that joining this sisterhood only gave me the opportunity to meet 100 wonderful women that I otherwise probably have never crossed paths with. No one understood why little nerdy, quiet Chelsea would join this group of girls who was seen as only something that wore matching shirts and sang songs.

But there's just so much more to it.

While in your new member phase, they pair you with another girl that is like your Big Sister or Mother. Bigs and Littles. My big and I were an amazing match, and she brought me to her Big and Grandbig (therefore my Grandbig and Greatgrandbig)'s apartment. We all sat together doing homework and watching How I Met Your Mother and Doctor Who together. Other girls would come over and we would do the same thing. We would go to Disney together, hang out at school, go to the beach, all kinds of things. We were honestly a family.

At the end of that semester I wound up moving into that apartment with my Grandbig and GreatGrandBig and it was the best living situation I could have ever imagined. We all went to school together and would sit together on the carpet of our apartment for hours on end talking to one another.

At the beginning of the next semester, one year after I had moved out to Southern California, we did Fall Recruitment, where we had a new group of young girls join our sisterhood. They were a small class, but I guarantee you to this day I could still tell you all their names and my first impression of them all. Amongst them was my future Little (who then became my best friend and then my roommate). She and I were an amazing pair, and she felt the same way that I did about Phi Sig.

It was like a family. For the people who really didn't feel like they belonged anywhere on campus.

It was home.

And our family has expanded. From the line above me to my little to my grandlittles, we are always a close knit bunch.

It has been just about 4 years since I met Phi Sigma Sigma, and in that time, I have not only made some of my best friends for life, but have graduated with so much love and support, and have now been to 2 weddings for my sisters and I intend on attending many more.

I graduated in 2014. But the sisterhood has never left.

Amongst my group of friends in my small sisterhood, I have girl's that I know will be in my life forever. In fact, if I were to get married, almost every single one of my bridesmaids would be from my sorority. Frequently I still get together with these girls I spent so many sleepless nights with doing homework and singing and anything else you can think of. We have group text messages. We get together for Wine Nights. We go see movies together. Go on adventures to the fair or to the city.

Currently I live with my little, who is still an active member of this sisterhood.

And this is where the struggle comes.

Because yesterday they made the announcement that they would be closing the doors to our chapter, and having them step peacefully off campus, never to accept a girl who feels like she doesn't belong on campus again. And it breaks my heart because I have a whole family who feels the same way about joining Phi Sig as I did. We poured our hearts souls into something that we cherished, welcoming girls who really didn't feel like they had ever belonged, and showed them that they had a home.

I have a sisterhood of at least 300 girls that I have met through being a part of this sorority. And in the blink of an eye, they will be gone. And there's nothing that I can do about it. And that makes me so angry and frustrated.

We have a saying in Phi Sig that goes something like this.

"Once a Phi Sigma Sigma, always a Phi Sigma Sigma."

It is a part of our creed, and we constantly say it to one another, whether graduated, disaffiliated, or just going through a rough patch. It means that no matter what, our sisterhood will always be together, and we will always stand up for one another.

And now it just makes it even harder to say. Because yes, we will always have each other.

But what about the girls that will never have us? Even if we were never the biggest chapter on campus, we always were a family, and there were always girls who grew into wonderful, successful, beautiful women because of this sisterhood. And now some of those girls will never know what it's like to have such an amazing support team. Those girls will never know what it's like to belong. To have a family made of those who are not just blood.

They will never know what it's like to be a Phi Sigma Sigma.

Not just once, but always.

Givin' up on Love

I'm going to be completely upfront and honest with you all right now.

My heart hurts. My heart hurts like it did when I was 15 years old and pining after a boy who was in love with my best friend.

Except this time there is no boy.

And I'm beginning to realize that maybe there never was.

The past few years have been a weird revelation for me when it comes to love. At any given time, there has always been someone that I have been pining after. And, right now, with my last attempt at making something happen, I've pretty much just given up. I'm so incredibly tired of meeting someone, becoming connected to them in the closest way possible, and then having them cut me out of their life as if nothing mattered.

I'm over it.

I'm tired of being hurt by guys who coerce me to talk to them, to tell them everything, who tell me everything, hang out with them, talk to them constantly for days on end, having them tell me that they have feelings for me like they haven't had in a long time...only to have them stop talking to be without a reason why.

It sucks.

And I've said it several times before, and have always given in, but I'm going to say it again: I'm giving up on finding love.

Now this isn't because I'm "heartbroken and don't think there's anyone worthy in this world" or anything like that.

No. Rather this is more of a "I need to spend time focusing on other things--being in a relationship should no longer be my priority in life".

I've had so many amazing opportunities recently. From working LA's Anime Expo, to finding a true passion for what I want to do as a job. There's a chance that I might achieve that goal soon, with just a little work. I'm simply trying to focus on making myself happier for me. Because I'm miserable at my job right now, and I need to get out. New job would so definitely help with that. There's a step.

I'm also in the process of training Thor to be a full fledged service animal. My anxiety has gotten unbearable when I'm not around him, to the point where it's hard for me to go to the store without him. Having something like this would be helpful. Another step to personal happiness.

The hardest part about "giving up on love" is the fact that I can't help but feel like I'm missing out on something right now. Most of my close friends are in healthy relationships, thriving, planning marriages, having babies. And I'm sitting here, struggling to meet someone who wants to talk to me for more than a couple weeks. However, I know it's the right thing to do. The last time I had a romantic confrontation with someone, it ended with me just not feeling anything at all.

I'd rather hold out for someone that makes me feel everything, that I make feel everything, than someone who's as platonic as it gets.

Angry Calm

I'm pissed.

For so long I've been so good at controlling myself and my temper. Been so good at controlling my emotions.

This time last year I was irrational, crazy for a love that didn't last and so utterly lost within my own personal black hole.

There were times where I didn't think I was going to make it through the night. I thought that I would fall asleep and never wake up. And often times, I didn't sleep at all, laying in bed awake all night, mind racing and heart pounding.

And slowly, but surely, I got it under control.

Yes, medication helped. A lot. Also helped was my drive to change my mindset. I wanted to become a more positive person. Someone who had something to live for. Someone who put herself out there. Someone who wasn't terrified of life itself.

And it happened. I became happier. When problems arose, instead of wondering what was so terribly wrong with me and why was the world against me, I became calm. I became better at understanding that sometimes life just happens, and there's nothing I can do to control it. And when my friends were in crisis, I became the calm voice to talk them through the situation. I cared for myself, and I cared for everyone.

And I was calm.

And I was happy.

And I began to branch out from my shy personality. Began to talk to more people. Began to be somewhat spontaneous. Began to be nicer to everyone I encountered.

And I can see how much my life has changed.

I know that there are some things in life that just happen, and it doesn't make them right, but I completely understand that there is absolutely nothing I can do to control them.

And that's all right.

And I was calm.

But then today I snapped.

I'm tired of having people screw me over and taking the high road.

I'm tired of people lying to me and I forgive them in my mind.

I'm tired of people calling me shitty things and trying to do the right thing, only to get brought down again and maintaining a positive attitude.

And more than anything I'm tired of people forcing themselves to be a wonderful, detrimental part of your life, pretending as if they care about you, and then disappearing off of the face of the earth without a word. And I'm tired of sighing heavily and moving on.

For the first time in quite some time I am pissed.

I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle people either lying to me or pretending that they care about me, doing it to get something from me or to get close to me, and then up and deciding that they don't want to be a part of my life anymore, knowing I'm attached. It keeps happening to me, and it makes me want to regress, makes me want to blame myself, makes me want to close up my heart again, and makes me want to undo all of my hard work over this past work.

I'm pissed.

Enough

I've always said that all I ever wanted was to be good enough for someone.

Every single man I have ever had a romantic relationship has always left me for something better.

The first boy I ever went on a date with told me he liked my best friend.

The first boy I ever dated left me a week in for another girl.

The next one said he didn't want to wait, and got engaged to the next girl he met.

After that, I said I had strong feelings and 2 weeks later he was in a relationship with someone else.

Next came the relationship where I thought everything would change. He cheated on me once, tried several more times. Once a cheater, always a cheater so I have learned.

After that it was fun, but he stopped so that he could be with another girl who's came up at an opportune moment.

And finally, things were going really good. But apparently I wasn't enough to keep around with the stress of life.

My whole life, I've never felt like I've been good enough for anyone. For my friends, for my family, and for the men I've been with. And I've tried so hard. People think that my rough exterior, RBF, and salty humor means that I'm an angry and mean soul. But in all honesty, I'm trying to keep myself from getting hurt, again.

Because inevitably as soon as I start opening myself up to someone, show them who I am, give them a glimpse into my heart, they're gone by the time the sun comes up.

I know I've mentioned this a million times on here...but what's wrong with me?

What is it about me that makes me so hard to want to love?

All I want in this world is to love. I'm looking for that missing piece to that puzzle. And, as a good friend put it, "I'm so desperate to love that I try to make everything fit into that piece, no matter it's size."

What's so wrong with that?

What's wrong with me?

I'm not looking for much. Someone to laugh with me.

Someone to hold me when all I need is human touch.

Someone who will drink whisky and watch crappy movies with me.

Someone who will sit and actually listen to me when I talk.

Someone who wants me and only me with every fiber of their being.

Someone who understands that I might be difficult at times, but I will do everything in my soul to make up for that.

What's so wrong with that?

When will I be good enough for someone? More than that, when will I just be ENOUGH for someone, and don't leave them wanting more?

Have the Courage to Be Kind

The last few weeks have been...tough...to say the very least.

And I really don't know why.

But everything just seems...different.

I've been having a hard time when it comes to friends in my life, as you all very well know. I try to keep people on my good side, and keep myself on the good side of people, and when things go awry, I either am left confused as to what has happened...or I became angry enough to actually never want them in my life.

It takes a lot for me to get to that point.

So eager am I for friends and support and to not make enemies, that I constantly let people be rude and abuse me and call me terrible things, but still have them on my Facebook friends list. I will still talk to people who couldn't give two shits about me when it cones down to it. What's worse is I consider myself to be friends with people, who constantly surround themselves with people to talk poorly about me, and then said friend will protect them over me.

And I wish I could say that all of these incidents are about one person.

I wish I could, but this has been the story of all my friendships over my lifetime.

And this just endlessly frustrates me and lately, I'm not taking it anymore.

I'm tired of bullshit. I'm tired of people telling me that they're my friends, and then treating me like a piece of shit, calling me terrible things when I'm not around. I'm tired of people saying that I've been a crappy friend, when all I have tried to do is be kind and honest to them, in order to later spare them. I'm tired of having men say that they want me and need me, only to have them stop talking to me the moment something better comes along. I'm tired people lying to my face. I'm tired of having friends' friends call me names and terrible things, and my friends won't believe me when I try to tell them.

More than anything I'm tired of feeling like I'm not worth anyone's time. Tired of me believing that when people call me a piece of shit, that I start actually feeling like it.

And I'm tired of feeling desperate for being like this.

A few days ago, I went to dinner with someone I've been friends with since we pretty much both started at Disney 3 years ago. The two of us used to be really close, but this was the first time in over a year, almost two, that we actually hung out outside of work. And during this dinner, I realized that I haven't necessarily been the best of friends ever either.

I've hurt people.

I've screwed good people over for personal gain.

I've left people in terrible situations and have never looked back.

I've chosen relationships, or even simple hook ups, over my own friends.

I've bailed on plans by lying and saying that I was busy, but really didn't feel like seeing them.

And I regret every single one of those things that I have done. But it's part of human nature to do some of these things.

But never have I ever in my entire life pretended to be someone's friend when I honestly wasn't. I have never lied to someone's face when they confront me with an issue. I have never tried to turn friends against one another. And I have never shit talked another person that my friend is close to, and if one of my friends ever does, I call them out on it immediately. I never tell my friends that they are liars, and I do my best to tell them the honest truth, even if it hurts.

And I don't understand why that's such a hard concept to understand.

They say your twenties are when you really begin to see who your real friends are. But more than that, I think that your 20's are where you are supposed to learn how to be a real friend through the example of those around you.

When I was younger, I may have done all those bad things to friends, but now that I am older, I could never dream of hurting another human being in the most innocent way possible. I will never take anyone's friendship for granted. I understand that you might not be everyone's best friend, but that doesn't have to mean that you're everyone else's enemy.

Be kind to one another.

And trust people when you know that they care for you. And care for people when you know that they trust you.

And maybe this crappy world will be a little nicer.

[Blank]

I'm really tired of being seen as a negative person. I think it might be an issue of having perpetual RBF (or as I call it, Resting Asian Face, RAF), but everyone seems to think that I'm negative, or scary, and doesn't want to talk to me.

Now, I'm used to this. It's been a part of me my whole life, and probably the biggest reason I have problems making friends and influencing people. Now, completely honestly, it's mostly my shy personality. As a young child, I didn't socialize much. I think I had a total of 4 friends from Kindergarten till 8th grade, and never that many at the same time. It was hard for me. I spent all that time at recess reading books and writing Harry Potter fan fiction. And then when I went home, I would be alone, both of my parents working the overnight shift, and I would fend for myself with the internet or the endless VHS's and DVD's at my disposal.

In high school, this changed a little bit thanks to being really active in theatre. People mistook my big personality whilst acting for me, and were more open to approaching me. They didn't understand that the real Chelsea was quite shy and internal. And once I quit theatre, I've had this constant problem.

I'm stuck in my own head.

And it takes me a long time to get to know people well enough for me to open up to them and to trust them enough to show my larger personality, my happier side. The side that I am down to the core.

Because of my RAF, no one thinks I'm happy and nice. I get mistaken for rude or harsh all the time. And my sarcastic nature doesn't help this.

And that's just been the way it was my whole life. And I've learned to accept that about myself.

Until this past week.

While training for my new position at work, I really couldn't have been training with someone more different than me. My training partner is one of the most open and nice and friendly people in the world. She's literally the face of Disney, always smiling, always talking to everyone and anyone, and absolutely everyone knows her and loves her. She's awesome.

But it was hard, having worked with some of these people before myself. They would run up to her, smiling and hugging and happy, and look at me confused as to who I was...despite the fact that we had talked and worked several shifts together over the past couple of months. We got quite opposite reactions, and, for some reason, it was really hard to handle.

It's not that I was jealous of her or anything, she's super friendly and deserves all of the attention. But, fuck man, it sure would be nice for people to recognize me, to look past my blank exterior and realize who I am.

I've been in my old department for 3 years, and in that time have made so many amazing friends. So many, that I never really had a problem making new friends because I was already in the great mindset. People got past my RAF, and got to know the real Chelsea.

And I guess the biggest reason why I'm struggling with this change is that I've haven't had to worry about having or making friends in 3 years. Since I started to get know people at work, I was set. It was so easy. And now, I know so few people. And I'm afraid of making friends with them. And I'm afraid that the friends I already had are going to forget about me too.

And then what will I do?

Am I meant to be all alone again?

And how do I change my exterior so that people are more willing to approach me? How do I get people to see the nice person I already am? It just doesn't make sense to me.

I'm told that I have a beautiful smile. And I always say that my smile has to be earned.

But is my smile beautiful because I don't use it all the time so it's rarity makes it that much better? Or do people just genuinely enjoy my smile?

I just don't understand and I wish that I did.

It's frustrating and I'm tired of this following me around my whole life. I've never had good luck with friends, and worse luck with men, and everyone tells me I look sour. But I enjoy my life so much, and I'm really quite a happy and nice person. But everyone assumes or jokes that I'm just a bitch.

And after a while, I begin to believe them.

Maybe I am a sour bitch. Maybe I'm just mean and not funny or anything. Maybe this is why nobody likes me, and why it takes me such a long time and tremendous effort to make friends.

Maybe I'm just not who I thought I was all these years.

How do I change?

How do I become the person who I believe myself to be? How do I show that to the world?

How do I find the confidence to know I will never be alone the rest of my life because someone will always be there with me because they know and love who I am?

How do I portray myself in a way that people will never forget who I am so easily?

I want that.

I need that.

An Open Letter For You

Dear You,

Here are some things that I want you to know about me.

My name is Chelsea. I am recently 22 years old. Over my lifetime, I have fallen for you a total of seven times.

The first time was in elementary school, and you were the boy who accidentally dyed his hair pink. Every girl had a crush on you.

The next time was at my new junior high. Again, every girl had a crush on you, and I, an obese 12 year old with no sense of style, tried everything to get you to notice me.

A few years later, after having lost 60 pounds and gained a sense of confidence, I fell for you again. We were great friends, and I thought it was going well, until the day you said you wanted to ask my best friend to formal. I was crushed.

It was years before I fell for you again, this time in high school through a computer screen as we were separated by many miles. After having been so hurt in the past, I was desperate for attention. Desperate enough that I let you treat me like shit time and time again, and, worse than that, let you steal my heart for years.

I was a junior in college the next time I fell for you. And yet again, I let my eager heart run away from my senses. I let you steal so much of me, and then you left me like it meant nothing, and like I was nothing. I hardened my heart, making it harder and harder to let people in.

Then you came around again, and for once, it seemed like everything was wonderful. My heart felt light, and you promised to undo all the damage that had been caused in the past. And for the longest time, I believed you, believing that after all this struggle, all this hardship, I had finally met my golden light at the end of the tunnel. But things turned sour, as they always do, and it wasn't long before you were gone, ripping out my heart and turning that space into a black hole.

I vowed never to fall for you again.

I don't remember most of the time between our 6th and 7th encounter. It was a dark time, and most of it had been covered by shadows and demons. It took quite some time, but eventually, somehow, I emerged from the other side, with some duct tape covering the hole.

And then you number seven came along, and it all started so easily. I didn't even have to try with you, you were kind and nice, and I even admitted that I hadn't felt so good in such a long time. I was careful with you this time, trying to not get too attached, trying to seem flippant, wanting to make you be the one to come to me. But somehow that managed to get the better of me. I fell for you, hard, and as soon as I admitted that to myself, you disappeared, despite all we had shared.

I guess that's what I deserve for falling for you again.

See, the thing is, I don't fall very often, but when I do, I fall hard. It's an endless hole, and I'm free falling, holding your hand, until--

BOOM

--I crash at the bottom, broken and useless, and you're up at the top of the hole, looking down, and then walking away.

I wish there was a way to control it. It's not like I like falling with all that I have. The simple fact is that I tend to be an all or nothing person.

Either I eat all the food I can, or I won't eat for days.

Either I sleep 2 hours, or I sleep 15 hours.

Either I don't watch any of a show, or I binge watch 10 seasons all at once.

Either I'm super excited and pumped, or I'm feeling down.

Either I'm really outgoing and am out every day, or I spend a week binge watching Netflix alone.

Either I fall for no one, or I fall for you with all that I am.

There's no other way to describe it. When I am dating someone, I can't be casual about it. Either we're not anything, or we're everything. When I fall for you, I can't do it halfway, I can't do it slowly.

The thing is, I know exactly who I am, and I know exactly what I want.

And for some reason, I want you.

And I know that I don't need you. I'm an adult and have survived on my own for years on end, and am more than capable of taking care of myself. But, by god, if I don't WANT you. More than anything.

I know that I want it all. I know that I want to feel loved, want to feel protected, want to feel needed, want to feel included, want to feel special. And more than anything, I want to feel like you feel the way about me as I do about you.

I wish there was a better way to say it.

I want you to want me.

I wish I didn't have to keep repeating myself.

I fell for you. And I fell for you hard.

And someday, I hope you fall for me too.

500 Miles Next Door

How do I start this off after almost two months without any communication?

First of all, Happy 2015. Beautiful. There, off to a great start.

In the past two months, life has kind of exploded.

Starting off the new year, brought me into having my wisdom teeth removed. So a week off of work for that. Then exactly one week later, I flew off for a week in Walt Disney World.

That trip was amazing. I honestly had the time of my life with my friends as we explored the other coast. It was my first adult trip and I'm glad to say, other than some mild frustrations, it went swimmingly. I almost did the inevitable and asked Disneyland to transfer me over to Disney World. And maybe I still will in the future. Who knows?!

I came back and it was back to business. And by that I mean, back to every day normal work day in and day out. My roommates went back to school,  and I found myself a hermit again, sitting in my room all day watching Netflix.

And then changes started happening all at once. After a series of truly crappy days at work, I started looking at other jobs, and even looked into moving back to Arizona. I applied for Full Time, not expecting to get it. And then I found it...

 I have always said that the one class that I wanted to take in college while getting my Creative Writing degree was a class about writing for young adults. As most of you who've known me for quite some time have known, I love writing for anyone between the ages of 10-20. Those are my favorite books to read and consequently to write. But instead I was forced to read works by Tolstoy and Kafka and the other "greats" in the writing world. Important, yes, but not my cup of tea. So anyway, on a whim, I decided to look into the Master's Program at the school I wanted to study abroad at in Glasgow. I scrolled and found nothing until, ding, there it was: A Masters in Children's Literature and Literacy. With that degree, I could teach Creative Writing students exactly what I had wanted to learn all those years.

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

 Ever since I found that page I have been dreaming of going to do that program. I am now in the works to get my passport so that I can start applying.

And then the big thing happened. I got offered Full Time at Disney. And that makes me absolutely...confused. If I took the Full Time, I would be sacrificing a lot: My friends, my Mansion, my trainer status, and even the possibility of me becoming a lead. If I didn't take it,  probably wouldn't be able to afford to stay in California. I took a leap and accepted the spot, but now I'm terribly terribly heartbroken to be saying goodbye to all that I love and the place that has literally become my home over the past three years.

That's the thing that I don't think most people realize about me. Everyone keeps saying I made the right choice, I'm doing the right thing, I'll still be able to talk to my friends, and now I get benefits and it's great. But here's the thing: Everyone who has said this, doesn't know what it's like to be without a true home.

It's been almost 4 years since I moved to California, leaving my family 500 miles away. In that 4 years, I've had a hard time connecting to anything. I moved into the dorms, had a shitty roommate who made me hate college, then switched dorms with a great roommate, but now the two of us never talk anymore. I then moved into an apartment with people I didn't know and for the first time, I felt like I belonged. It was a happy house, for some time. But when it came time to move out, all of our plans to stay together changed. And then, for the following year, I bounced around from apartment to apartment, never truly feeling at home at any of them. It's weird to walk into a place where your name is on the lease and feel like you're an invader in someone else's home. And then came this place, and while I've lived here longer than any other place, it still doesn't feel like home to me. It's too big, too empty, as I'm pretty much the only person home. I have little social life because parking is a nightmare so no one wants to come over and I'm afraid to leave because I might have to sleep in my car at CVS if there's no parking. It's hard, and I'm looking to fix it soon. Maybe another temporary tattoo of a fix though.

So within those years, I started working at Disney, and started meeting some of my best friends in the entire world. I've had so many wonderful experiences in my time there, and have knocked out the entirety of my Disney bucket list. It's all from the area that I work in, where I have met all of my best friends, and the people that mean the most to me in the world. Yes, there is drama. Yes, there is heartache. But there's something so nice about going in to work and seeing all of your friends, who are essentially your only family. I spend holidays with them, work overnights with them, go to parties with them, and get through the hard times with them. And I wouldn't change a moment about it.

And now that I'm moving to a different area that's right next door to my old one for Full Time, and I know I will still see them all, I can't help but feeling like I'm moving 500 miles away from my family all over again.

So yes, I know I made the best decision for myself and my financial future...but I'm going to miss my family so much that I wonder if it's even worth it.

Growing up is hard.

I think everyone understands that struggle. I think everyone knows what it feels like to be alone at some point in their life. In that, I know that I am not alone.

But I still can't help but feeling lonely at times.

It's weird, but it feels like I'm home sick. Not the actual home sick where I miss my mom and friends in Arizona, although that is true, but I don't cry wanting to go back. I'm the kind of home sick where I miss the feeling of being wanted.

It's strange. I thought that this feeling would leave with the holidays, but it has lingered on. I want someone in this world to want me, and want to spend every moment of every day with me. And yes, that is impractical, but I still yearn for that feeling of coming home to someone and feeling at home in their arms.

I want a real family. I want a real life. Right now I feel like I am perpetually stuck in the life of a college kid, going to parties, getting drunk, struggling for rent, not looking for love...

But in complete honesty, I feel so alone. People are going to berate me, saying that I don't need someone to make me happy, that I can live my own life without a man, blah blah blah.

Yes, I know I am very capable of that. I've been doing it for years and years. I've been taking care of myself since I was 10. I got my first job at 16. Graduated high school with honors at 17. Went to college 500 miles away at just barely 18. I've been paying my own rent since I was 18 as well, my own phone bill since 17.  I graduated college 2 months into being 21, and have a full time job starting on my 22nd birthday. I am a strong, independent woman and I know exactly what I am capable of.

But I also know what makes me happy. I know that it isn't HAVING someone that makes me happy, it's making someone happy who makes me happy that makes me happiest. I say it all the time to people, but with me, you have to earn my smile. Yes, I smile a lot when I can, but to get a true and genuine Chelsea smile, one where I can feel my heart squeeze and know that yours is doing the same thing too, that takes real work.

I want a home.

I want a family.

I want someone who wants me.I want to be enough for someone. I want someone who thanks the heavens every day that we are in each other's lives. I want someone who won't let me walk away. I want someone who won't walk away. I want someone who won't eventually get bored of me and leave me hanging. I want someone who wants someone like me. And I want someone who wants me to the do the same for them. I wish I had the power to make someone stay, to make someone realize that I am so worth the struggle it might be to be with me and takes it by the horns,

Because honestly, I've never felt like I was enough for anyone, not my friends, not my family, not anyone I've ever dated. Never. In my whole life. I've felt nothing more than worthless.

I want someone who can change that.

And there's nothing wrong with that.